Disagreement over orthodontic treatment

OllysMum_2

I'm not sure this is a "bad" relationship - in many ways I can see a bit of "us" in this. My partner is tight as a drum, and spends nothing that isn't essential. I'm a bit more "relaxed". :whistle: He has six figures in the bank, owns some property, (we live in my house) and continues to save furiously. I sometimes rib him about it - saving for what? He has no children so it's not as if it's for their future. It's just the way he is...not a bad way to be.

If I said I was thinking about spending £4k on something he didn't see as absolutely necessary, he would be the same as the OP's BF. He would fret, and go on about how it's not needed. I wouldn't let that stop me.

I did spend a lot of money on my teeth (in my forties). He doesn't think there's much of a difference (and didn't agree they were bad before) , but so many people noticed/commented on how happier I look, how well, how fit etc. The real difference was that for the first time in my life I could smile broadly and laugh uproariously. I'm not exaggerating when I say it changed my life. Best money I've ever spent.

Errata

Fanmail wrote: »

Hi Brighton belle - he has a will, and I am the sole beneficiary. The house has no mortgage.

It's worth considering that he can easily change it without your knowledge. Not saying he will, just saying he can. You seem to be fairly sensible about finances, why not take responsibility for your own pension arrangements?

Birdie85

The point of having savings is to allow yourself to spend it when you really want to spend it! This is not something that you've decided you want on a whim since you've lived with your crooked teeth for 41 years!

Last year I had laser-eye surgery and my OH supported me throughout and it was paid with *our* joint money rather than my own savings as he knew how much it meant to me.

You should definitely get your brace, surely the earlier you do it the better value it is as you'll have longer to enjoy your perfect smile (IYKWIM! This was the argument I used when talking OH around to my treatment!). You never know what problems could be caused in time if they're not fixed either, best to put a stop to it now.

I wonder if another reason he's trying to stop you from getting the brace is because he's worried you'll change once your teeth are fixed? Some men can be funny about their wives/girlfriends drastically changing their appearance due to a little hidden insecurity... could he be worried about you becoming more confident and chatting up guys with your new smile?! I could be way off but you never know...

LannieDuck

This is something you've put a lot of thought into and have considered over a number of years. It's not a whim, and it means a lot to you. Given that, I have to agree with those who say he sounds a bit controllling.

I also agree that you need to take a look at your finances as an individual and make sure you're protected should the worst happen. He is - he owns a house.

Fanmail

Thankyou all for replying. In terms of financial security, well, all of my savings are my own and while I agree about a pension, for the moment I am putting the max into an ISA monthly, and the rest into savings. All of these replies have been very helpful.

Errata

financially, we seem to having a kind of parent-child relationship rather than one of equals, and I don’t like feeling that way.

Very bluntly ......... if you stop behaving like a child he won't be able to behave like a parent.
If you can save £4k in a few months, and you say you can, then your joint savings will be more than enough for a deposit on a BTL (unless you're aiming for something on Park Lane). So ........... you should be looking now at what's for sale. Are you? Ignoring your desire for braces, what steps are being taken to find a property; if nothing's happening then he may be more interested in the £££££ stacking up in the savings account than actuallly doing something concrete with them.

purple45

I can't help but think that here is someone who has become so blinkered by the masterplan that he has forgotten that life is for living and being happy too. Unless you can get the blinkers off and try and get a balance, that is not someone I would want to be spending my life with. I like being in a relationship where we work together on our common goals and happiness too.
Good luck, I hope you get your teeth fixed. x

pandora205

I had braces in my 50s (the traditional Ugly Betty type) and they have made an amazing difference to my looks. I did it initially as the wear on my bottom teeth was so great I was doomed to lose them if I didnt but the spin off effect is I look years younger (though I did go on to have whitening and some bonding to finish the job).

I wish I'd done it years and years earlier but still had a mortgage and family then. I'm really pleased I've done it though.

Incidentally, there are advantages with having a pension such as tax relief, that you won't get with a buy to let property. And be cautious with regard to the future when you don't have a stake in the current property. Life can change very quickly.

Purleygirl

He could be worried that you will become more attractive to other men. It's like when some relationships break down when the woman loses a lot of weight and the man feels insecure. Or it could be that he's just being blokey and thinks it's money wasted on vanity, he likes you the way you are so can't see what the fuss is about, my husband would be the same unless I really insisted. So what to do? Well this is what I would do (!) I would book an appointment for a consultation with the orthodontist, it cost us 70 quid in Northern Ireland three years ago for our daughter. You can ask loads of questions and you'll get a report about possible length of treatment and usually an option to pay monthly.

Tell your husband about the visit and then you can tell him that there could be problems if your wisdom teeth emerge with overcrowding and pain unless the crookedness is addressed now. I dunno, just exaggerate. But intend it. Don't discuss it any more until you've had the consultation, pay for it monthly. Go for the treatment, wear your braces and carry on as if he agreed to it and was fine. The more you talk it up, discuss it, feel he's not on your side, worry about it etc the more likely it's not going to happen.

1. Consultation
2. By the way, I had the consultation, yes as I thought there are definitely going to be problems if and when my wisdom teeth emerge.
3. Book the treatment, pay monthly.
4. Commit to your braces.
5. Behave as if he agreed to it all along.
6. Enjoy your new smile

swampduck

In some ways I can see where this man is coming from - but does he have perfect teeth?
I only ask because he may see this as a frivolous expense but if he has a lovely unselfconscious smile then he may not understand your feelings about this and may well be thinking what a waste of money! But that said you have every right to spend your money as you wish - I bet nothing is said if you have a hair do or invest in a home colour kit - these are things that make you feel good about yourself why should your teeth be any different?
For what it's worth my other half does not have perfect teeth but if he said he wanted to do something about it - I'd move heaven and earth to help him do it!! Your OH should supporting and encouraging you if it makes you happy!!

Swampy