Disagreement over orthodontic treatment

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I am hoping you can help me withan issue I am having – or even just offer an opinion; a little bit ofbackground first:

My boyfriend and I have beentogether for four and a half years. We have a house in a village; the house is owned by him; there is no mortgage. I make a monthly contribution to the ‘fabric of the house’ in general (for bills etc.) and we share all costs for the weekly shop, booze, food, going out etc. etc. We are happy and committed, and we are saving hard to hopefully put a deposit on a buy-to let in the future as an investment or pension. We both earn OK –mid-20s. We don’t have an extravagant lifestyle, we don’t have any children; we are both incredibly fortunate to be in the position we’re in, given the economic climate. I have an ISA and other savings totalling about £15,000 (including an unexpected PPI refund) – he has savings of about £18,000. If you asked him, he would say he is tight – he is certainly careful with money – and it is him I have to thank for my finances dramatically improving in recent years, through him enabling and encouraging me to save for the future. I never thought I would enjoy saving! I generally manage to save around £700 a month.

The issue is this: for many, many years, I have been unhappy with my crooked teeth. I first researched adult braces two years ago and when I talked to my boyfriend about it, he said he considered it a waste of money (£3,750) and that I should concentrate on saving, so the subject was dropped. However, the issue hasn’t gone away and I still desperately want a brace, so recently I looked into it again as I heard there was a new method that may be cheaper (therefore I could maybe sell the idea to him more effectively). However, the cost for this method has turned out to be roughly the same as the treatment I’d looked into two years ago. When I got home, I explained about the treatment and attempted to have a rational, friendly discussion with him about it again, but I am getting nowhere.

The cost of the treatment is absolutely not a problem for me but it is for him, and he flatly refuses to support me or encourage me with it. I feel despondent– it seems as if this was my last shot at it; I’ve explored every single orthodontic option, in great detail, for years but we just can’t come to an agreement about it. I have tried every possible angle with him to try and reassure him – it’s expensive, but we both earn well; I have savings; I am committed to our long term financial plan; we don’t have a mortgage; I could make the money back up in a matter of months. I don’t feel he understands how important it is to me, and I want to go into it knowing I have his full support and backing (I don’t think I could just go ahead and do it regardless).

His opinion is this: it’s a wasteo f money; he understands I want his support but he doesn’t feel able to give it; that it’s a fallacy that I can ‘make the money back up’ because once it’s gone it’s gone, so I’ll always be £4k behind; that both of our jobs could go at any time and if they do, £4k is a lot of money; we should be saving every penny we can. He has stated that he “cannot stop me doing it”, but with this there seems to be a tacit threat, or implication, that it may adversely affect our relationship. I can see his reasoning and I understand it all – up to a point. But should that then mean that we never, ever treat ourselves, or spend ANY money ever, in case something happens to our jobs? I could understand his resistance better if we still had a mortgage and were struggling to make ends meet. It makes me feel that he doesn’t trust me with money and, financially, we seem to having a kind of parent-child relationship rather than one of equals, and I don’t like feeling that way.

I’d like to stress that in every other regard the relationship is fantastic – it’s only this particular issue that is becoming a bit thorny. My opinion is that although £4,000 is a lot of money, should I not go for it while I am able to afford it and am still young-ish (41)? I do not have any expensive habits (shopping,shoes, handbags, clothes etc.). It seems the more money I accumulate, the further away the possibility of having a brace becomes; for the first time ever in my life I am able to afford something I desperately want and I hoped there would be room for compromise at least, even if he is not completely won over by the idea. Am I being unreasonable?

Claree__x

If this is something you've been wanting for years and it's something that is going to make you happy - then do it. Sure, he'll sulk for a while but he's not going to lord it over you forever.

IMO he has no right to make you feel bad about it. He should be encouraging something that will boost your happiness. It's not something you just want on a whim!

cte1111

I don't think you are being unreasonable. It's your money and you should be able to spend it as you wish. You are already paying your fair share of day to day expenses, so why not?

What are you and your boyfriend saving up for? It's obviously good to have a safety net, but it does sound like you've both already got that in place. Life is for living, not just for saving for a rainy day.

It sounds like your partner is rather controlling, to me that would be a problem in a relationship.

Upsidedown_Bear

Your teeth, your money. End of.

FBaby

I'm confused. What are you saving for it is to afford some things that means so much to you? I am all for responsible finances and not spending you don't have for things you don't need, but surely, in your situation, you should be able to spend some of your savings on what you want, unless the savings are essential for something you made a real commitment to.

Is it that the buying a buy to let is a set plan for him with a clear timescale and he feels that this will hold it up, or....is it a case that because it isn't something he would spend the money on, it is a waste of money for anyone.

My partner has just spent about this amount on a .....bicycle... definitely a waste of money to me, but it means a lot to him. He has the money so I supported him completely, even though we are also getting married this year. Next year, I intend on spending my savings on exactly the same thing than you. My front teeth have gone crooked and unfortunately, they are going worse each year and I am getting self-conscious about them. I know he will support me because he actually probably agrees that it needs doing, but regardless of what he thinks, I would go ahead just because it means a lot to me and that should be enough to receive his support.

daska

I think you should go for it as well, but maybe you could soften it a bit by suggesting that you continue to save, but for both. If you're putting in £700 to saving towards the BTL then commit to continue saving £400 for that and £300 for the orthodontic work. You'll have what you need saved in a year but the joint pot will continue to grow.

If he doesn't agree to that then I'd book yourself in on Monday and pay it out of your existing savings

LEJC

There are times that you should save,and yes you are doing that...but there are also times that you should spend....If its something that will increase your confidence and how you feel about yourself and you have the funds and ability to do it,then that should be your decision to do...and good luck to you.

Kynthia

You are an adult and he can only treat you like a child if you let him. It's your money, you'll make more money, you aren't getting into debt, you have a sufficient safety net, you are working, you have a secure roof over your head, it's not a whim but something important to you, you've discussed it with him, you've given it lots of thought and done plenty of research.

Seems like a no-brainier to me. You only get one life and what are you saving for?

whitewing

I sort of understand your bf's point of view because I do most of the financial juggling in our house. My DH seems to continually want to upgrade the car, for example. There are things that I agree to that are important to him but remain unimportant to me, but I do get the benefit of it, particularly his happiness. I think your teeth are probably one of those kind of situations - resist for ages but when it happens, he'll maybe wonder why he was so against it.

Does he actually agree that there is an issue with your teeth, ie it is only the cost, or does he think your teeth are fine the way they are?

Spreading the cost out may help him deal with it. Can you get it spread over interest free installments (but still have the money in an account).

Can you raise some of the money by selling something?

pigpen

You are a grown woman asking for permission for a medical procedure?!!?? It may be cosmetic but really?!

Does he ask your permission for everything?

You work for the money.. you can't take it with you when you die so what is the point in having it if you are not going to use it for something that will bring you happiness???

Get the appointment made you don't need him to ok it you are an adult!!

I am horrified you are even asking!

peachyprice

Of course you're not being unreasonable!

The savings are YOURS too, not his, he has no right to tell you what you can and can't spend the money that YOU have saved out of your own hard earned money.

It really isn't any of his business how much money you have in your own savings account, it's not for him to keep tabs on how much you have and how much you spend.

Just do it, he'll get over it. And if he doesn't, well is he really the sort of man you would want to spend the rest of your life with?