Everyone wants my son, nobody wants me?

wiggywoo9

Well, here's the backstory. My dad comitted suicide (set himself on fire) after my mum rejected him time and time again after asking for help. My dad had bipolar and when I was around 6/7 she didn't want to deal with him anymore and kicked him out.

I had my first relationship at 17, who I was engaged to and we tryed for a baby, but when at 18, I did get pregnant, he left as he didn't want it. I had to move back in with my mum, who I have issues with. When I first went out with my ex, she tried everything to break us up, threatening to 'send me' to my dad's as a punishment (which then as we didnt understand bipolar etc was terrifying, like being exiled). She actually made me homeless then cos I refused to give up my ex and I ended up living with him for half a year before moving away to uni.

So after I was pregnant, after my 1st year at uni, I had to move back in with my mum as my rented place had a violent housemate who tried to punch and kick me (not sure why, the other housemate was great). I had my son and we stayed at my mums for a while, with various issues sprouting up frequently. I had PND after giving birth and was badly depressed- my mum started to reject me then, was not understanding and actually used it against me.

We (me and my son) were made homeless when my mum tried to take my son forcibly and kick me out alone. She asked to take him somewhere and I simply had said no, as he was having dinner and was ready for a nap. She didn't acknowledge this and got my two sisters and one of their boyfriends, to take my son, put him in the car and were going to go anyway. Obviously, I fought back, got my son and tried to get down the street to a friend. My sister told everyone I was mad, had mental health issues and attacked me to take my son, who they took back to the house and locked the doors. I called the police, hugely upset, finally got my son back and went to stay at my nan's, now homeless.

Over the next month I was threatened and everyone looked at me like I was crazy. The pressure to be calm when I was stressed to the max and fight off PND I'd got rid of months before, it was tough. I was told to leave my nan's after a week and spoke to my uni; there I stayed with my son as a lodger with one of the staff. I now have my own HA flat, have worked hard to furnish it and raise my son alone.

However, my mum still sees my son, her arguing that it is good for him. She has him overnights sometimes and things settled between us a bit. Now and then she flares up over the tiniest things (me wanting some of his old toys back) and says nobody would do anything to support me if not for Alex and some hurtful things. I feel proud of what I've done- I could've sunk into depression and ruined my son's life but no, I've fortified it and been strong. She has done nothing at all to support us, no help, no encouragement, just criticism, and I've done it all my own money too. I don't want her acting this way, I want someone to care for me rather than just acting as my son's prop and a background thing.

I'm HER daughter- I couldn't act the way to my son she acted to me. There's been no apology and its implied she assumes I'm the one at fault and she's putting up with it! It hurts to feel like I've no support from anyone as I have no other family, no friends as I commute to uni and am not 'fixed' in one place and no-one to talk to. The uni friends I do have, I confessed everything to, and they just avoided the topic and ignored it! If I told you my dad killed himself, I'd offer an ear and support, not act like its embarassing!

I've got my ex coming on Sun to start seeing my son and I've got mixed feelings about this too- am I still the 'prop' for the one everyone REALLY loves? I do still love him stupidly enough even though I put him annd he put me through so much. I just don't know. I need family but no matter what I do, I'm the 'exiled', crazy, mad, bad and dangerous one. I've never done anything to hurt anyone, just felt low in myself and I was punished for this.

Sorry for the rant, it feels better letting it out. Its a scar that I need to start healing as I often have to just remind myself I can do it- after all, who else would listen?

Lara44

You've been through a lot, can you access your Uni's counselling service?

pigpen

For a start I wouldn't be allowing a crazy grandmother looking after my child.. She is responsible to some degree for your dads death and your depression and homelessness.. do you think she will be any better for your son? Or is it possible she is telling him how horrible you are?

Family are not always the ones you can rely on.. dump the lot of them and find yourself some loving caring people.

Blood may be thicker than water but it is more easily poisoned and bad for you!!

gingin_2

I remember some of your other threads. I am sorry that you are still in a dark place. I agree with Lara, you need counselling.

Please don't let your issues with yourself and your family ruin your son's opportunity to have his father in his life. It sounds like your son needs his dad to be there for him more than ever. He is your ex and it is natural that he would want to see his son, look at the positive side of that. You have to overcome your issues about yourself and your relationship separately to that of his relationship with his son.

Wishing you all the best

podperson

*hugs* I remember your previous posts, and you have been through such a lot. Your mum is a real piece of work by the sounds of it. You say she's currently seeing your son because she thinks it's 'good for him'. What do you think? You're his mum and you have the right to say whether your mum sees your child or not.

As mentioned above, counselling might be an idea for you to be able to talk it all through with someone in a neutral environment. Your uni may offer this or you could ask for a referral from your GP. I'm sorry your friends don't seem very supportive - perhaps they just didn't know what to say rather than not caring?

It sounds like you are an extremely strong person and have overcome a lot to be a good mum to your son. You should be proud of that and don't let your mum or anyone else make you feel otherwise x

balletshoes

a couple of things wiggy -

You have your son and he loves you.

Your ex doesn't love you and you shouldn't expect that - he's your ex.

In an ideal world, your mum would love you and show you unconditional love, support, respect and help. We don't live in an ideal world, and you know now that you can't expect any of that from your mum.

I do think you could use counselling to help you with your dad's suicide, and to be honest I think thats a subject that your uni friends may well try to ignore because they wouldn't have the first clue how to deal with that. And unless they are really close friends you've know for years, they might have been surprised that you're trying to discuss it with them.

Concentrate on what you do have - you have your son, and together you have unconditional love.

miss_independent

Sorry you've had such a horrid time

You've been through so much at a young age.

When you say you "need" family - is this practically (i.e childcare, financial help?), emotionally or both? I think maybe your Mum is affecting your self esteem so much that you can't see yourself in a good light ("nobody wants me"). If I were you, as hard as it is, I'd break contact with your Mum and you sister. The older your son gets, the pattern the way things are, I reckon they will try and manipulate him against you. Going it alone is hard but don't allow yourself to keep being abused and pushed down just because you are afraid of feeling alone.

You WILL meet people who genuinely care for you. There is alot of truth in the saying "Friends are the family we choose for ourselves". The more you get brought down by your family, the harder you will find it as you will start to believe their bullsh!t yourself and think there is nothing good about you. Its not you, its them. Break away. For you and your son. Don't let them mess with his head like they did with you and your dad.

thehappybutterfly

I agree with the others - cut contact with your family. They messed you up - they're going to do the same to your son. Lord knows what granny's saying to him. She sounds totally unhinged.

I'm really pleased that you have your own flat and that you managed to keep your uni place. Please please focus on what you do have. Don't worry about your Uni friends 'ignoring' what you've told them. Some people, most people probably, will have never come across anything resembling your life to date and just don't know what to say.

I would suggest that you don't speak about your past to your new Uni friends. For a couple of reasons. I say this from experience - the more you talk about your past, the longer you'll live in it, and people will get tired of hearing about it. You should see the faces of all the in laws when me, my sister and my brother get together You can see them all thinking the same thing - "oh here we go - another depressing trip down memory lane". By all means, meet with a councellor to get your head straight and help you find a way to move on but your friends are your new friends for the new you - not the old you. Let her go.

Oh I'm really pleased for you Wiggy! You have a great opportunity here to turn your life round. Don't ruin it!

sassyblue

wiggywoo9 wrote: »

I'm the 'exiled', crazy, mad, bad and dangerous one. I've never done anything to hurt anyone, just felt low in myself and I was punished for this.

Sorry for the rant, it feels better letting it out. Its a scar that I need to start healing as I often have to just remind myself I can do it- after all, who else would listen?

Now OP, get one thing straight, they can say what the hell they like - you don't have to agree with it! :mad: You had PND and you say your mum rejected you, like she did your dad??

Sorry, but your mum sounds a nasty person, you can love her but not like her behaviour. As others said l'm not sure l would let your son go there, in any case the first time she put me down in front of your DS or did anything detrimental she wouldn't have him anymore.

To me it sounds like you are coping well with what life has been like for you, maybe there's jealousy involved - you have got away from the negative environment after all.....

Hope you can get some counselling, make more friends and limit the time you spend with your mum, she is going to have to start treating you with respect or she's going to lose you.

xxx

Mojisola

wiggywoo9 wrote: »

I now have my own HA flat, have worked hard to furnish it and raise my son alone.

I remember your earlier threads - this is brilliant news!

However, my mum still sees my son, her arguing that it is good for him. She has him overnights sometimes and things settled between us a bit. Now and then she flares up over the tiniest things (me wanting some of his old toys back) and says nobody would do anything to support me if not for Alex and some hurtful things.

I feel proud of what I've done- I could've sunk into depression and ruined my son's life but no, I've fortified it and been strong.

You should be proud - the odds were against you and nobody was supporting you but you've got you and your son to a much better place.

She has done nothing at all to support us, no help, no encouragement, just criticism, and I've done it all my own money too. I don't want her acting this way, I want someone to care for me rather than just acting as my son's prop and a background thing.

I'm HER daughter- I couldn't act the way to my son she acted to me. There's been no apology and its implied she assumes I'm the one at fault and she's putting up with it! It hurts to feel like I've no support from anyone as I have no other family, no friends as I commute to uni and am not 'fixed' in one place and no-one to talk to. The uni friends I do have, I confessed everything to, and they just avoided the topic and ignored it! If I told you my dad killed himself, I'd offer an ear and support, not act like its embarassing!

There are two issues - one, wanting support from people who can't or won't give it - there's nothing you can do about this. As you can't change them, being around them and not getting the support you want could be detrimental to you.

I suspect your uni friends might be out of their depth and don't know how to respond to your problems. You've already dealt with more problems that some people have in their whole lives and many uni students are hardly more than school kids.

I wouldn't let your mother have the care of my son, especially not overnight. You know how she is with you - do you really think she's a wonderful, caring person when she has him? I'd be worried that she would be drip-feeding her evil views to him and trying to turn him against me.

I've got my ex coming on Sun to start seeing my son and I've got mixed feelings about this too- am I still the 'prop' for the one everyone REALLY loves? I do still love him stupidly enough even though I put him annd he put me through so much. I just don't know. I need family but no matter what I do, I'm the 'exiled', crazy, mad, bad and dangerous one. I've never done anything to hurt anyone, just felt low in myself and I was punished for this.

Sorry for the rant, it feels better letting it out. Its a scar that I need to start healing as I often have to just remind myself I can do it- after all, who else would listen?

Rant away on here - it's a valuable release valve.

It's good if your ex is going to keep contact with his son but you need to distance yourself emotionally from him.

I would seriously think about cutting yourself off as much as possible from your family. All they are doing is making you feel bad about yourself - they are toxic and you don't need that in your life!

Get whatever counselling help from the GP or the uni. You're so strong, you will get the life you want for yourself.

LannieDuck

I also remember your previous thread, and the way you coped with a very difficult situation was quite inspiring. You've got a stable home for your son, and (if I remember rightly) are in a position to continue your education and finish your course so that you can get a good job.

You've done brilliantly. I'm sorry that your family can't see that.

I think you're right to allow your ex to have a relationship with his son. Hopefully that'll work out, but I wouldn't expect too much in the way of friendship between you and your ex. That way anything will be a bonus.

I'm sorry your friends aren't supportive. Maybe they don't know quite how to react. I'm not sure I would in their position. Instead of trying to use them as a sounding board, find a councillor, and keep your friends as friends.

I'm sure you'll manage to build a support network around you and your son, but it's likely to take some time.