Everyone wants my son, nobody wants me?

The_Magnificent_Spoon

Hey, I know how you feel - it hits so hard when those who are meant to love and care for you unrelentlessly, torture you.

I've been through it, and while it has shaped who I am to some degree, I rejected the attitudes of the people around me and became the complete opposite. I know how my parents made me feel, and I would never wish it on anybody.

Nobody can take your happiness away if you do not let them. Always remember this, and repeat it to yourself whenever things are difficult. Stay strong and do not let them take your happiness.

X

Top_Girl

Wiggy Woo, you are my life twin [to a degree].

My mum has bi polar, set herself on fire, didn't die, but I have chosen to cut her out of my child's life as she became increasingly unstable and unpredictable. She, by her own admission, gets herself stable on meds but then thinks she can reduce her own dosage, or lies to her doctors about her stressful situations, so they can't help her manage her stress or her medication accordingly. I know it isn't her fault she is ill, but it isn't my fault or my child's either and I won't allow my child to feel like I did when I was around her when I was young.

My dad doesn't care about me, but he doesn't care about my child either so we see him for guilt visits at Christmas or Easter, nothing more.

I am studying for mine and my child's future at the moment, whilst working part time to support us both, with no family support at my end and no respite apart from his dad having him every other weekend; whilst the man is a joker in every other respect, he is, to be fair to him, a good dad.

Stay strong for your child and remember, you can pick your friends, you can't pick your family, but you can choose who is in your child's life and if them being in your child's life is likely to have an adverse effect on your child, then cut them loose.

meritaten

Top_Girl wrote: »

Wiggy Woo, you are my life twin [to a degree].

My mum has bi polar, set herself on fire, didn't die, but I have chosen to cut her out of my child's life as she became increasingly unstable and unpredictable. She, by her own admission, gets herself stable on meds but then thinks she can reduce her own dosage, or lies to her doctors about her stressful situations, so they can't help her manage her stress or her medication accordingly. I know it isn't her fault she is ill, but it isn't my fault or my child's either and I won't allow my child to feel like I did when I was around her when I was young.

My dad doesn't care about me, but he doesn't care about my child either so we see him for guilt visits at Christmas or Easter, nothing more.

I am studying for mine and my child's future at the moment, whilst working part time to support us both, with no family support at my end and no respite apart from his dad having him every other weekend; whilst the man is a joker in every other respect, he is, to be fair to him, a good dad.

Stay strong for your child and remember, you can pick your friends, you can't pick your family, but you can choose who is in your child's life and if them being in your child's life is likely to have an adverse effect on them, then cut them loose.

what an incredible post! hun, you are an inspiration to us all!

Top_Girl

meritaten wrote: »

what an incredible post! hun, you are an inspiration to us all!

Thank you, what a lovely thing to say.

meritaten

you posted in a very matter of fact manner, you gave your history without being overly dramatic, you also gave hope to the OP. I would say you are extremely well balanced and show that you can overcome adversity!

wiggywoo9

Thank you all, I just wanted to say that my mum and dad were never married and that my son is 22 months so he doesn't understand if people say anything about anyone. I don't know if you can get counselling via NHS without having serious mental health issues? In any case, I really don't want to go down that road, it makes my custody of my son very precarious as my mum has used depression against me before.

Mojisola

wiggywoo9 wrote: »

Thank you all, I just wanted to say that my mum and dad were never married and that my son is 22 months so he doesn't understand if people say anything about anyone.

That's not going to be the case for much longer, though.

meritaten

wiggywoo9 wrote: »

Thank you all, I just wanted to say that my mum and dad were never married and that my son is 22 months so he doesn't understand if people say anything about anyone. I don't know if you can get counselling via NHS without having serious mental health issues? In any case, I really don't want to go down that road, it makes my custody of my son very precarious as my mum has used depression against me before.

She wont know about it hun! counselling is completely confidential! and a court would not hold you having counselling against you - quite the opposite! it shows maturity and self awareness. and yes you can get it on the NHS and universities often have a counselling service.

your son may be only 22 months old - but, he will pick up on negative feelings hun. so be careful with him and your mother.

Top_Girl

wiggywoo9 wrote: »

Thank you all, I just wanted to say that my mum and dad were never married and that my son is 22 months so he doesn't understand if people say anything about anyone. I don't know if you can get counselling via NHS without having serious mental health issues? In any case, I really don't want to go down that road, it makes my custody of my son very precarious as my mum has used depression against me before.

You can if you need it. Go in and explain how you're feeling and what you've been through and let the doctor decide.

Your mum doesn't need to know you're having counselling, it's got nothing to do with her. Also, depression won't have your son taken away from you unless you are really hurting him with it. Asking for counselling shows that you recognise you may have a problem but you are wanting to deal with it, it is pro-active and indicative of good parenting.

Finally, I am now having counselling after thirty odd years of refusing it, out of fear that history would repeat itself with my mum and fear that asking for help somehow made me weak/an unfit parent/crazy. It doesn't. Again, it shows that you want the best for your son.

Feel free to PM me if you want to talk about this, but I have been there. Asking for help isn't a sign of weakness, or a mental health issue, it is a sign of strength and the capacity to realise you might need some assistance to deal with things xx

amyloofoo

Hi Wiggy,

Hope you're well and that you and your LO are snuggled up out of this wintery weather. I remember you from your past posts, are you still in the Coventry area? I only ask because I used to live and study around there so have a pretty good working knowledge of the sort of mental health and social provisions in the area. I appreciate that a lot of the things you were worried about have been thoroughly addressed by others, but I thought there were still a few things I might be able to help with.

First of all, you're doing incredibly well. You've had a really tough time and have worked hard to keep yourself and your son safe and in a really positive place. It's so impressive that you've been able to continue with your studies throughout and are now in your own place and able to ensure that your son isn't witnessing all the negativity and arguments of staying with your mother. Whenever you start to feel low about what you don't yet have, remember how far you've come and how hard you worked, and *know* that you can achieve everything you've been dreaming of in the future.

Your Dad: It sounds as though you've never had any help or counselling about this? I'm someone else who had a bipolar father who committed suicide, and there are organisations out there who can help. SAVE are an American organisation, but they have some great resources on coping with grief, and Coventry MIND are very active and helpful, particularly with accessing talking therapies and group work. Don't worry about talking to them, they have a duty to respect your confidentiality (with the exception of you disclosing that you are a danger to yourself or others), and would not share information with your Mum, GP or any other individual except with your informed consent.

Accessing Counselling: There's a very helpful programme which has been rolled out across Englad called IAPT (Increasing Access to Psychological Therapies) which aims to help people to self-refer to CBT and other talking therapies without needing to go through endless assessments and waiting lists. It's completely free, confidential (except for safeguarding issues as above) and you can refer yourself with a simple telephone call. Details for the Coventry service can be found here. The call can take a little while, so make yourself comfortable and allow yourself as much time and privacy as you need. If you're concerned about the cost of the call then ask them to ring you back.

Your Mum: She has done some horrible things to you, and I can understand why you're angry. Having said that, it's not helpful (as Fluffnutter said) for posters to blame her in any way for your father's suicide. That was the personal decision of a man who was profoundly unwell and attributing blame to anyone is completely inappropriate. It sounds as though she would also benefit from some counselling, I know your parents weren't together at the time of your father's death, but it must still have been shocking for her to learn of her child's father's suicide. My parents were no longer together at the time of my father's suicide, but I know in my heart that my mother will never truly be 'over' it, and that every now and then I will remind her of him. None of that justifies her behaviour towards you, but perhaps if she could also be persuaded to access therapy, she may be better able to cope with the issues she faces.

Ultimately you have to make the decision about what's best for your little boy - is your mother being a positive role model for your child at the moment? Whatever happens, you need to remember that you're not the mad or bad person she makes you feel like - you're a strong woman who is a good Mummy to your little boy, and who has survived a lot that would have broken others. Admitting that you need help, that you're feeling low, and that you may need some support doesn't change any of that.

Your ex: It must be incredibly difficult and stressful to be in love with someone, share a child with them, and not be in a relationship. Despite that, you're continuing contact which is doing what's best for your little boy, have you accessed any support from a group such as Gingerbread?

Amy xx