Hoarding - Springing Ahead

Happygreen

Hello, all!
In the final stages of painting DD2's room so soon all her new furniture will go in, then her boxes. She also wants my old TV to play her SNES, lol. I took one of her small old shelves and out it in my room as I had a very untidy corner with -imagine what - papers! My promise to myself, sort them once horrid weather season starts!
Small bag will go to CS today .

mothernerd

My total is slowly creeping up. Have been struggling with lurgy (cough, cold, sore throat and tight painful chest) but others have complained about it knocking them for six so feeling like less of a wimp.

DS1 came to dismantle a bed and do some little jobs at the 'up for sale' house. He says no one will want the bed but I have plans to turn it into kitchen shelves (solid wood pieces about 1" thick). However he made some disparaging comments about the state of both houses. Glad the jobs got done but could have done without the criticism (too tired/ ill to respond). Also fell over whilst gardening (in a chair) and had to wait for him to get back to pull me up. Knocked the wind out of my sails and didn't do the shrub a lot of good (I pulled it back upright but haven't been back to check on it since).

This weekend I have had 5 25 year olds in residence. Have so far collected and washed all the pots, empty cans to the recycle bin and rubbish out. Chocolate cake eaten and sweets hidden. Wardrobes made it into my (current) room before the guests departed. Have cleaned as much of the floor as I could get at and filled nearly two wardrobes with clothes (they were all on my bed) having put three units in place (will form a wall to give DS3 and his gf privacy - very big room as I knocked down the landing wall to give extra space when the boys were small).

Going to take my time moving things around. DS3 is currently occupying the front room - he moves between the single bed and the sofa. When I have rearranged the rooms (with as much of his stuff as possible hidden away behind doors - wardrobes have top boxes and cubby holes) I plan to evict him from the front room. When we have extra bods I am hoping the single bed can be brought up here.

Tried to sell a few things the other day but the shop no longer buys them (they did when my things were stuck in the attic). They have recommended an auction place so hoping they could come and take smaller stuff and some pieces of furniture. Worried about money as house has not yet sold and will be fewer viewers/buyers as winter draws on.

katkin

My mother-in-law is a hoarder and I feel it is having a negative impact on her. No one in the family really speaks about it, they avoid it (and her home) and therefore spending time with her. On any occasion it has been brought up or help offered to "tidy / sort it out" she has been defensive and angry - even fallen out with people about it.

I really like my MIL, am fairly new to the family (7 years) and make the effort to spend time with her and visit the house. She's 74 and has various health problems I can see contribute to the situation she's in. She's too proud to ask for help and doesn't want anyone interfering in her "stuff".

On my last visit the hoarding and clutter was a lot worse, things are getting unhygienic. She can't stop buying and adding to it and is unable to dispose of or sort out the mess. This situation not only includes the house but her garden.

So far my tactic has been to not let it come between spending time with her and enjoying her company etc. I've not commented on the mess, though family have asked how I can stand being there...

When I am visiting I try to help out and offer to take things to recycling etc, but she is not keen for me to do that. However, when she comes to stay with her son and me she does seen to enjoy our fairly minimalist and tidy home. She has mentioned she wishes she could be with family more often - I think she'd really like to escape the chaos and mess around her daily.

The hoarding is at the level that there is hardly any room to move anywhere, some rooms are piled high and cannot be used. The kitchen is particular bad - there's no space to even make a cup of tea without balancing it on a dozen other things. There's flies and food left out uncovered. There's a lot of household waste left lying about and her 2 dogs are leaving their mess amongst all this too.

I'm very worried about her, as are her family. Can anyone give us some advice about how to approach this before an accident or some ill happens to her because of it?

dragonette

This sounds like a welfare issue - what would you like to be the outcome?

GreyQueen

I'm sorry that your MIL is in this position, katkin, and that it's impacting her life and her availability to share family visits. Thank goodness you are there for her.

Hoarding is a form of mental illness and what you describe is far beyond the everyday messiness/ bit-too-much stuff/ could-be-cleaner homes that most of the population could hold their hands up to. The combination of dog mess, uncovered food, flies, and rooms being inaccessible/ unusable for their intended purposes is worrying.

From the pov of outsiders, we tend to treat these things as logistical issues, and thus offer practical help and support; removing stuff, cleaning, re-organising etc. From the pov of the hoarder herself, this is the last thing they want to do, and is incredibly threatening. The usual behaviour is to shut right down, become angry with the would-be helper, and even re-double the hoarding behaviour.

Your MIL is the same age as my Mum, who is starting to get frailer, and I have concerns about your MIL maybe falling over stuff, having stuff fall all over her and trap her, the home being a fire risk and a health hazard. If the garden becomes a hazard which is attracting rats, the neighbours could choose to complain to the local council, who may inspect and decide to intervene under environmental health legisilation.

Is it possible to take professional advice, even on an anonymous basis, from someone (GP? Social Services?) about what forms of help there may be out there for A Lady in her position?

It's such a shame to think of her struggling like this and missing out on family time.:(

mothernerd

Excellent thoughtful post GreyQueen. I read yesterday but have been thinking over what I wanted to say (mostly covered by GreyQueen).

Katkin your MIL is obviously depressed as well as the hoarding problem. The stuff surrounding her probably makes her feel safe (when did it start? how long has it been going on - don't need to tell us, just a list to jot down before approaching professionals). However in the situation you describe, she probably feels unable to take action anymore. Is she getting help from her GP ie already on medication.

Have other family members backed out of the situation altogether (you say they are concerned but also don't know how you spend time there). I have helped a depressed (male) friend clean his house, even when I was depressed myself, but we went very slowly as I know that when you are struggling someone else coming in feels intrusive and 'too much of a rush'.

I am the world's worst housewife (I do try to keep it from being a health hazard) but even when things were at rock bottom (DS3 and I were involved in an accident when he was six months old, I suffered PTSD for two years whilst trying to study, do business paperwork, keep three children and a house going - OH (ex for many years) was 300 miles away, supposedly earning money but gambling it all before we saw any of it) I was too ashamed to let anybody into my house to help. I was doing things like throwing the boys' clothes down for washing when they went in the bath, but then it could take me days to get them across to the washing machine and put them in. Admittedly I didn't sleep for six months after the accident (saw the wrong doctor who was useless and didn't go back to my own GP for six months, wasn't referred to for counselling - did get help after six months but getting better was a long slow process).

Hugs for you and your MIL and we are here if you need to talk.

thriftwizard

Katkin, your MiL is very lucky to have someone caring & sensitive like you to help her - far too many people just steam in, all guns blazing, demanding that the hoarder "just tidy up!" and then get angry & disgusted when they don't comply. Not realising that quite often, the hoarder themselves doesn't actually like or enjoy the resultant mess; maybe doesn't even want to go back there, after a break. But there's something protective about it, a bit like a caddis fly larva's home, plastered together out of random stream-bottom bits & bobs to keep the sensitive larva safe from all the predators & traumas of riverbed life whilst it grows & changes.

I think you need to try to work out what she's hiding from, or not quite recovering from. I have a tendency to hoard; I can tackle the mess, and not add to it, when I'm feeling confident & energetic, but as soon as someone starts to moan about it or I start to feel undermined & unappreciated I'm likely to take on some daft project that gobbles up yet more room. One or two of my friends have had similar tendencies; in one case, she stopped hoarding when her ex dumped her, & now (happily remarried) runs a perfectly ordinary, normal home. You'd never guess that this was the girl who paid thousands of pounds to have a container-full of (literally) mouldy books, cheap fitted carpets and out-of-date paperwork shipped across the Atlantic... She never said a word when they were together; was very supportive of him in fact, but I think the emotional neglect & constant misunderstanding was a crushing weight for her to bear.

In another case, the girl concerned has a serious underlying health problem that affects her moods & sleep patterns. It's a very real chemical imbalance that has only recently been diagnosed; for many years she's been struggling on, feeling terrible, the mess getting worse & worse, not letting anyone into her home for fear of judgement, and putting a good face on so no-one guessed... and her family (OH & two children, one now adult & the other a teen) colluded to present a perfect picture to the world, as the chaos got more & more extreme behind closed doors. It was only when she collapsed & was rushed to hospital & finally diagnosed, treated, & starting to feel better that she was able to begin to tackle things. She and I agree that the fear of judgement, of people thinking that you're not coping, is one of the biggest factors in allowing hoarding to take hold in your life & home.

So - look for some kind of initial trauma or ongoing health or emotional problem, and that fear, grounded or otherwise, of other people's judgement. And let the rest of the family know that what she needs is not to feel judged & found wanting, but to be supported & appreciated, and then maybe she'll feel strong enough, and valued enough, to do something about it.

thriftwizard

Yesterday I took a car-load of stuff to the tip & only returned with a small handful of books! (3 of them eminently saleable, 2 to read & return or donate.) Then I went to pick up a job-lot from one of the local charity shops; I buy these in regularly & they have previously been one of my downfalls, as I have tended to put them to one side for later reference, then find them again 6 months later. But this time I have managed to clear it through in record time; there were 4 bags of stuff, from which I have extracted one bag of stuff to sell (and quadruple my money on) a tiny handful of bits to be used, and Freegled the rest! Some has already been picked up & the rest is going on Thursday; the gentleman concerned had a vehicle problem, or he'd have picked it up already. He's been before so I know he will come. It is all useful stuff, but I don't need it and even the bits that might be saleable aren't relevant to what I do.

I've also sorted out 4 boxes of random stuff that was summarily ejected from DS3's room; fair enough, it's not his. Or mine, come to that. So the owners were confronted with it last night & made to sort it out, and most of that has gone off to the Tip this morning. One nice hurricane lantern came back, which will be on my stall come Thursday. And I tackled the washing mountain; with 7 inhabitants, 3 of them sporty types & 2 dancers, you can imagine how much builds up in no time at all. There's a big bag of unclaimed bits in the living room; anything not claimed by tomorrow evening will be donated to the Salvation Army.

If it were't for the fact that I only have to turn my head to see a large pile of homeless gunk still awaiting sorting, I'd be celebrating! But hey! onwards & upwards...

mothernerd

I am having a good day too. Started slowly last week, decided if I moved something every time I came back from the loo (middle of the night but pills made me sleep most of the day) it would help. yesterday I moved at least 3 wash baskets of stuff (easy to carry and accommodates various items).

DS3 and I had baths last night and this morning I lined the bath (thought it was a plastic sheet for decorating but might be a kite or a cape). Anyway it covered the taps and the base of the bath (so if a tap drips nothing will get wet) and have filled the bath. Base layer DS3's bedding (he's sleeping downstairs but this lot went on his bed for the 2 days beloved was here).

Then a bolt of curtain lining, large boxes (mostly material), small boxes (sets of drawers with stationery and embroidery threads plus shoebox size with candles/ cards etc). All in layers so I have a flat surface to build on. Small plastic drawers with my clothes in on top and odds and ends tucked in. End nearest the window is up to my head height. Hoping to do some more yet.

Plan for tomorrow is to have a bath and wash my hair. So I want to start with DS3's current room empty - I have a space on the floor big enough for the bed drawers to be stacked. The shelves I have in front of the window are now empty so the bed base could go there. Need to put up a curtain rail (DS3 couldn't be bothered and I am only just getting ok on steps again). DS3 and I can move my bed without dismantling if we turn it on it's side.

Key point is that (even if plan slows down) at no point do I want to be without my bed. After that I hope to move and arrange my stuff in the small room. DS3's stuff can wait till I feel like sorting it out (his bed needs repairs so I might as well do it properly, will declutter odd screws and bits as well. Have bath and wash hair and collapse.

Have also done two loads of washing (mainly stuff hiding on the floor in DS3's room) and put two loads out to dry (one in basket, one in washer). Rain proceeded to pelt down but I don't care. The cleaning rags are all out there (have a few left) so cleaning will have to wait - I have enough to clean the window in my new room. Haven't been able to get to it since DS3 has been in there. I take my life in my hands when I try to get to it to let some air in.

Also made a quick trip to the Town Hall (only straight across the car park) as the post contained a threatening letter about unpaid Council tax). Came up on the computer as all ok. I said they could have decided that before they gave me a heart attack. Asked about bin not being emptied at 'up for sale' house (garden waste over the summer) and he said I should definitely complain if it happens again.

dragonette

Wonderful to read all your progress, I've had good intentions but poor health for a while. A lot of my food sensitivities are having full on allergy reactions now so I'm pretty drained by that.

You have also reminded me to send a message with lots of hugs to my hoarder-ex. I get very drained and stressed being in a hoard, which was a real problem when we lived together. We are still very close and I visit every week (and occ do lil things to help out - wash a couple of dishes more than we need etc. Mental health is so interwoven with hoarding, from this distance I can see how the peaks and troughs fit with his depression.

I'm in a diff position - due to my current health I need to as much clear space as poss, things to be easily accessible and easy to see (or I forget I have it!). Well, I can keep dreaming and gradually move towards it!