Hoarding - Springing Ahead

whitewing

I never felt pretty as a child but am surprised when I look back at rare old photos that I was fine really. It was lack of self-esteem that made me unattractive not my physical body. And the clothes etc was beyond what I could control as a child. Nb I am not talking about lack of money here - a huge number of people can literally make themselves look good in a sack - it was the lack of 'care' from the adults in my life. My MIL always looks fantastic because she has the ability to add a flower in her hair, pop a belt on. This is because she looks at herself in the mirror and generally likes what she sees. Because she has been brought up to know that she is very special to her family and that generally people will like her, she likes herself and therefore takes care of herself. I am more committed now to accept myself and work with how I currently am. This means buying shoes that fit but if I have a choice buying or seeking out the ones with a decoration, the skirt with the extra details etc. My blouses are very nice - still many sizes bigger than I'd like to be buying but they are ladies' blouses not oversized men's T shirts and I look so much better for it.

raphanius

Hi...can I join the conversation? All of this is so relevant to my life. *holds up hand* My name is Debs and I am a hoarder. I'll tell my story.

Recently my OH (also a hoarder) and I separated after 26 years together. Over those years we collected a lot of stuff together, mainly books but there were other offshoots...hobbies etc that created clutter. Now he has moved out I am faced with the monumental task of dividing our stuff into what I want to keep, he wants to take into his new life and what must be thrown out/donated.

We both hoarded because we each have deep seated psychological problems obviously, things linger from childhood and in my OH's case his first marriage. We both tried to be people we aren't and its your post GreyQueen that prompted this confession. My OH's fantasy lives (I love the way you explain it) were great rock guitarist mixed with DIYer with a little boy lost. My fantasy existence was something like Barbara from the good life mixed with crafting culinary diva. I had mother issues too and know the clothes hoarding thing only too well. My default is jeans and a t-shirt with converse or DM's I do have an array however of frocks I hate, very unflattering skirts, boots, coats and jackets. The skirts and frocks were to please old fashioned mum who hated jeans. I can't work out the coat thing and the boots from my teen years when I was trying to impress my peer group. My weight has fluctuated over the years so a lot of it doesn't even fit. Its tragic.

The crafter/culinary diva has lead to groaning cupboards, two freezers permanently full of food plus a hoard of magazines I intend to organise into a recipe/craft folder 'when I have time' some of these magazines have now gone in the recycling btw.

The goodlifer was a total delusion that I could actually grow things and eat the rewards of my labour. I'm not green fingered, never have been and never will be so why do I bother? Again its a childhood thing my dad could and did grow anything and kept the family in lovely fruit and veg and some of my happiest memories are watching him garden and helping mum preserve the proceeds of his talents. I have a neighbour with an allotment, I will gift him my plant pots and seeds. Its a start.

We both hoarded books (we reckoned on 2000 of them) as a joint venture in madness. OH had a set of encyclopedias cruelly taken from him when he was a child and handed to some relative who his dad thought was more deserving so that's why he hoarded books. I just joined in, it was who we were and what we did.

One particular item I am at war with is a board game my dad bought me when I was about ten or so. I think my mum bought our gifts but he bought me this specifically and I can't bear to throw it out. He died when I was eighteen and I never got over it so that one object is holding everything else in place all over the house.

I need help. I have begun decluttering. Half a dozen boxes have gone to charity and loads of stuff has gone to the bin/recycling but its just the tip of the iceberg.

Oh and we home educate our son....still have most of his childhood toys. so you can imagine...

A lot of our hoarding stemmed from insecurity, a what if we throw it out then need it scenario, that stemmed from a lack of money as well. We are both changing slowly, the other day I got rid of some posters OH was saving and purely by chance he 'needed' them. I had to confess to chucking them and for the first time since I met him he didn't go mad at me for throwing something of his out.

thanks for listening

Florenceem

I have washed and dried the jeans that Mr F aka womble fetched home. They are diesel make so good quality denim - now cut into pieces. I will show a photo of what I make from the jeans.
Mr F often comes home with clothes - people here just seem to lose/dump them. I wash and press anything that could be sold and Mr F takes them to the charity shop. Any items of clothing that are past it are taken to the charity shop for their rag collection - they get money for weight of clothes in bags.
As I was writing this - Mr F has fetched home an item of furniture that a neighbour has put outside - it is in my hall - already polished to go to the charity shop. It is quite heavy and we don't have a car - may ask the local Hospice shop to collect.

lobbyludd

hello raphanius, welcome to the thread

you've made a great start, I split from ex 5 years ago, and sorting through the stuff took me years after so you're way ahead of where I was

sorry for all the updates, wardrobe, broken chair and the rest of a car full of stuff to either cs or recycling centre. including a small box of rubble I was storing in the loft - yes that was very hard to get rid of LOL.

whitewing

raphanius,

So sorry that your dad died at the end of your childhood. Maybe it would help the hoarding for you to have someone to talk to that you can acknowledge the pain of that loss in all its scary enormity. I'd keep the board game anyway - we may be dehoarders but we honestly don't throw away everything!

lostinrates

Ok, a nother weird thing.....I don't wear night clothes to bed, but do wear them in the evening or on my 'mornings off' doing the animals weekends some times. I also ( as a sick person need to keep some in store in case I need to go into hospital). Yet I seem to have an insane number of night clothes.

MrsAtobe

Ha, my fantasy self is tall, willowy and blonde - two out of three with the help of a bottle isn't bad - and swans around dressed in linen, silk and cashmere. Fantasy self is immaculately groomed with a house to match, and turns out gourmet meals and cakes to die for, dahling.

Linen, seriously, with a springer spaniel? The reality is *cough* somewhat different, jeans and fleeces mainly, although today I do seem to have managed a cashmere socks and jumper

ginnyknit

I have a small stash of well loved clothes. I wore long layered skirts to work with boots or sandals and have my little (well not so little) black dress but none of which have seen the light since I started pushing a wheelchair or wrangling Dgs places. Its now jeans or yoga pants with a few choices of tops. I have best jeans for rare trips out and always change out of them when I get home. I do have a collection of boots and trainers which I swop and change but bought a pair of short flat boots last week for £5 with fringing round and they are heaven to wear. My old self was the person i always wanted to be - I was lucky I found me quite early on but she is wrapped in tissue paper and gently placed in a drawer waiting to come out and play again.

The epiphany of getting rid of a huge amount of crafty stuff is coming along nicely, just have to finish packing it all and putting it on freecycle. It feels so good to have reached this point and am looking forward to the actual removal of the stuff.

lostinrates

ginnyknit wrote: »

I have a small stash of well loved clothes. I wore long layered skirts to work with boots or sandals and have my little (well not so little) black dress but none of which have seen the light since I started pushing a wheelchair or wrangling Dgs places. Its now jeans or yoga pants with a few choices of tops. I have best jeans for rare trips out and always change out of them when I get home. I do have a collection of boots and trainers which I swop and change but bought a pair of short flat boots last week for £5 with fringing round and they are heaven to wear. My old self was the person i always wanted to be - I was lucky I found me quite early on but she is wrapped in tissue paper and gently placed in a drawer waiting to come out and play again.

The epiphany of getting rid of a huge amount of crafty stuff is coming along nicely, just have to finish packing it all and putting it on freecycle. It feels so good to have reached this point and am looking forward to the actual removal of the stuff.

This what I hang on to, I don't want to put her out. I knew who I was, liked me well enough to rub along with me till the end then life got in the way. Life's interference is beyond my control and not welcome, making way for it entirely ( getting rid of the loft stash) is to me like saying ....yeah, ok....I give in, I accept this as my lot forever. And I don't!



Anyway, I made progress yesterday, not quite half way through the job, plus got a black board painted on the wall in the utility room. Not feeling I had to through stuff out has helped, I have a little pile of stuff I can through out.

I have some other stuff to do this morning but I'd like to get the same about of stuff sorted through today.

lobbyludd

I won't be getting rid of much today, as it's thundering and flinging down. Have brought down a few more things from the loft, but need to organise the various 9th squares before I get more down.

I've half done the freezer, am noting the contents and will then do the same with the larder.

The kids and I managed to have breakfast together at the table which was lovely.