Come to the end

Teta

Hello everyone, I couldn't find an introduction section so I'll just jump in

I think women are often moody and have emotional manipulation tendencies more than men, I'm a woman and guilty for it too even though I was more in the past and once I became concious enough about it, I started eliminating it fast.

When we are not feeling good emotionally (she was ill, plus marrigae problems) moods and manipulation become much worse... so I wouldn't take too much at heart what she said even though I know it's easier said than done.

I think you really need to talk when you are both calm and open to discuss about solutions, not just problems. A vacation together sounds like a good opportunity...

But then again, you two are really the only ones who know the whole story and it's up to you to decide, according to what your heart says, not anyone here.

Good luck and best wishes!

dktreesea

Person_one wrote: »

No, it isn't, not in isolation.

If it isn't true then its a hurtful thing to say, that doesn't make it abusive.

I think you'ld have to be on the receiving end to determine whether, for you, comments like that would be abusive. In this case, this seems to be one criticism of the OP in an ongoing bad situation.

The wife probably hopes to inspire the OP to "do better" via all the criticism, perhaps to love her and cherish her in the Mills and Boon way she aspires to - to become her ideal man. But who wants to be ruled, to live their lives according to someone else's ideals? I, thank goodness, don't live with an idealist. But I wouldn't last all that long if I did. I would probably be saying, "There's the door. Leave your keys behind," long before our long suffering, from the sounds of it, OP.

The truth is some partners will never see the good in their other half.

Person_one

dktreesea wrote: »

I would probably be saying, "There's the door. Leave your keys behind,"

See, I think that sounds at least as cruel and 'abusive' as "you're a bad husband".

Dunroamin

dktreesea wrote: »

Being told you are a bad husband (or a bad wife) is abuse, imho.

No, I think that's being rude and unkind but hardly abusive.

FBaby

Going on about abuse in a relationship when all we've had is one side of the story is pointless. In the case of many relationship breakdowns, it is a result of misunderstanding and differences of interpretation of events.

The OP's wife might be 'excessive' rather than 'abusive' but at the same time, it would appear as if she is dealing with a massive overdose of frustration. Is that due to an issue of expectations, or indeed, something to do with OP, who doesn't understand her frustrations, we don't know.

In the end, to salvage this relationship, you will both need to be prepared to work very hard towards it. You both need to decide if you are prepared to invest the efforts or not. Very often, one reaches the point of mental exhaustion and decision that the investment is not worth any longer. You've been going around circles for some time now, so whatever you are doing together is not working. Because of lack of understanding how to go about it, or because the motivation isn't there any longer, only you know.

My advice would be to sit together and be completely honest: Are you both ready to give it one more go, but not by pretending things will just get better as you've seem to believe in the past, but by going to regular counselling and following their recommendations. It will most likely involved putting all your resentments on the side, and doing things not to make you feel better but make your partner feel better, which is not easy to do at all when you are at the state of your relationship and both really want a lot from the other.

marisco_2

FBaby wrote: »

Going on about abuse in a relationship when all we've had is one side of the story is pointless.

I disagree with this comment. Many people on this forum have experienced abuse first hand and recognise it when people state what is going on in their relationships. Something the OP may not have realised themselves or be struggling to come to terms with. This forum is great in that it raises concerns that it is taking place and in many incidences links are given for the OP to contact organisations and take further advice.

These organisations that have abuse victims contacting them on a daily basis only have one side of the story too. They dont dismiss what they recognise going on, they offer a listening ear and advice. Yes of course they are trained to do this. However If you have experienced abuse first hand you too can recognise what is going on. To say nothing is irresponsible in my opinion.

FBaby

So what if the OP's wife came over and describe similar things? Then maybe she would be in an abusive relationship too?

My ex partner said and did things that could on their own could have been constituted as abuse but I can categorically say that he was never abusive. It is just that when a relationship goes wrong, and a lot of resentment and anger build up, some things can be said or done that can be hard and seen as abusive (I'm not talking about being beaten up, locked up or threatened of their lives).

marisco_2

FBaby wrote: »

So what if the OP's wife came over and describe similar things? Then maybe she would be in an abusive relationship too?

Absolutely if the OPs wife claimed that he treated her in the same ways she has treated him, then yes she would be in an abusive relationship.

Abuse goes way beyond threats or being beaten up or locked up. It often starts with emotional abuse very subtly. One of the most damaging forms of abuse. Bruises from physical abuse heal over time. The scars from emotional abuse never leave a person. Abuse always escalates and can eventually encompass physical harm, isolation, lack of access to funds etc. Those are just the tip of the iceburg.

To recognise signs of it and not feel able to point it out before it could lead on to more harm would be irresponsible.

FBaby

I don't know, I feels that the notion of abuse is sometimes easily branded alongside unhappiness.

I do agree with what you say, emotional abuse can be destroying, but I think there is a big step between stress in a relationship and actual abuse.

My ex partner used to shout out me and manipulate me, but I would never have considered it abuse because I wasn't scared of him, didn't stay with him because I felt I had no choice, I did because until the end I hoped we could work it out. I didn't feel I couldn't possibly respond to his attitude or felt I had to avoid upsetting him at all costs.

I don't feel that this is the case for OP in this thread or the others. He is sad that things are not working out with his wife and wish they could go back to what they had. She sounds extremely unpleasant and controlling, but it takes more than for it to turn into actual abuse. At least that's my take on it.

Dunroamin

marisco wrote: »

I disagree with this comment. Many people on this forum have experienced abuse first hand and recognise it when people state what is going on in their relationships. Something the OP may not have realised themselves or be struggling to come to terms with. This forum is great in that it raises concerns that it is taking place and in many incidences links are given for the OP to contact organisations and take further advice.

These organisations that have abuse victims contacting them on a daily basis only have one side of the story too. They dont dismiss what they recognise going on, they offer a listening ear and advice. Yes of course they are trained to do this. However If you have experienced abuse first hand you too can recognise what is going on. To say nothing is irresponsible in my opinion.

I agree that many of us have experience of abusive relationships and this is why I think it's irresponsible to put what is basically rude and thoughtless behaviour in this category. It really does nobody any good to bandy the word "abuse" round so readily and just means that those who actually are abused will have more problems having their situations believed and understood.