Come to the end

accountingbod

So i told my wife that i dont know how to move forwards in our marriage any more.

We have had a lot of troubles in the past mainly with arguing and i moved out about 10 days ago with a view to us having some space.

She became ill at the beginning of the week when i was due to go out on my leaving do with work as starting a new job in 10 days time.

I offered to not go out and come and look after her instead but she said to go. I said before i went i could come and cook her some dinner/pick up food etc...

She then told me that i never offered to stay over and that she was upset by this and that she didnt want to see me until she was better and told me that i was a bad husband. She then hung up on me.

We have argued a lot but i have done everything i can to be a good husband to her and when she said this to me something inside of me really changed.

I offered to help her in so many other ways but when i brought this up, she said that anyone could have offered to do this and that me not offering to stay over and look after her was what she wanted and she felt like she had an absent husband because i didnt do this.

We are living seperately at the moment but we had agreed that i move back in the day after my leaving do which was yesterday.
Needless to say this didnt happen and she has told me that i need to draw a line and that she was upset and she tried to apologise for what she said.

The fact is though that i dont think you just say to someone 'you are a bad husband', ignore eveything i tried to do and instead focus on something i got wrong and throw that at me.

I have always been there for her and tried to be the best i can be.

I just dont know how to move forward with things anymore and told her today that i think it's over.

She blames me for not drawing a line and moving on.

We are supposed to be going on holiday for a week together on Friday and then me start a new job after the bank holiday.

I feel so terrible but know that there are some things i dont deserve to be told.

Has anyone else here ever felt like they did everything they could to make things work but their other half could never see the good in you? She may have said it in the spare of the moment but some things once said just cant be taken back that easily.

Is it my problem? MY self-esteem is so low at the moment

Paddles

I would take what she said with a pinch of salt because I know when I'm ill I can be like a bear with a sore head. In fact I've managed to upselt someone just this week because I was so ill I repeated a confidence without thinking. I feel terrible about it, but my head was fuzzy and I didn't grasp what I was saying until it was too late...

Anyway if you still love your wife, I would say even if you don't move back yet, go on the holiday together, it might do you both good to get away and spend some quality time together!

I hope it works out for you, you sound really down in your post.

chrisv24

I don't think it is your porblem, but obviously we are only getting one side of the story.

Deep down when she told you not to come rounds she probably wanted you to.... but you are not a mind reader!

Her saying you are a bad husband is extremely harsh but if you think that was one step too fat and believe you both would be happier by going your separate ways, then you are doing the righ thing imo.

Alikay

You seem to be focussing on small specific things like her stating "You are a bad husband" rather than the biggie -that you've moved out and your marriage may be over for good.

Have you looked into going to Relate?

Katie__3-2

I realise things seem bad now if youre feeling low and youve got alot of other things going on at the moment with changing jobs, but I wouldnt end your marriage over what I would see to be a throw away comment on your wifes behalf.

Just go on holiday together and see how it goes, itll probably be a sink or swim get experience.

sassyblue

Sorry to hear things are no better OP. You've told her you think it's over but l would go on the holiday and see if being away can salvage anything.

I can understand why you're feeling worn down as she's continually putting you down as you've said before. Does she ever apologise for saying what she does?

marisco_2

accountingbod wrote: »

The fact is though that i dont think you just say to someone 'you are a bad husband', ignore eveything i tried to do and instead focus on something i got wrong and throw that at me.

I have always been there for her and tried to be the best i can be.

I just dont know how to move forward with things anymore and told her today that i think it's over.

I feel so terrible but know that there are some things i dont deserve to be told.

Has anyone else here ever felt like they did everything they could to make things work but their other half could never see the good in you? She may have said it in the spare of the moment but some things once said just cant be taken back that easily.

Is it my problem? MY self-esteem is so low at the moment

I remember reading all of your other posts about the problems that are ongoing in your marriage. Each post contains incidences where your wife has treated you with contempt, spoken to you in an attrocious way and there have been elements of emotional abuse toward you.

In each post you have understandably come across anxious, upset, confused, drained and as if you dont know whether you are coming or going. Your confidence and self esteem has been chipped away to such an extent that despite recent nasty behaviour from your wife you are questioning yourself and wondering what more you could do. Asking if this is your problem.

To be frank with you this is not your problem. You live with someone who shows narcissistic tendencies and is happy to treat you badly. All the while not accepting this and deflecting her failings onto you. Before anyone jumps on me for holding such opinions these have not been formed solely on what has been disclosed in this thread but also from the many others.

You deserve better OP and in my opinion you have done all that you can. Life is too short to be with someone who chooses to treat you so badly.

foxwales

Be selfish, think of yourself, life is to short to spend what little time we have in an a constant state of unhappiness.

It may be difficult at first, for you both, but you will both benefit from it. You will rediscover who you are, what you are about and what ultimately makes you happy.

Know that just because your relationship ended, doesn't mean you failed or didn't try to hold it together; it's just run its course.

Life long relationships in my opinion are an antiquated view, we appreciate our short time much more.

Good Luck

MarilynMonroe_2

Could pronlems be heightened due to stresses of you rnew job?
Also if you want your marriage to work, tell your wife you love her every day and always remember she is right, and smile and nod!

Also dont act on any suggestions here, I did that and regret it.

Person_one

If I recall correctly, your wife suffered a bereavement very recently, have I got the right poster?

How is she coping with that? Grief can have a huge effect on how people behave.

Dunroamin

It sounds like the holiday has come at exactly the right time as you'll have plenty of space to discuss things and decide about your future.