Come to the end

pigpen

I am evil when ill.. I cry at anything and everything and if someone says the wrong thing I say mean things which I don't mean, I just feel so bad I don't know how else to express anything.

I'd possibly ignore that one comment and look at the rest of your life together .. go on the holiday, see if you can rekindle some of the old feelings if not it may be time to move on for both of your sakes.

whitewing

Go on holiday and have a proper chat. Good luck to you both. You have to rub a few corners off each other - that's normal - but if you are constantly disappointing each other then you will have to draw the line at some point. I don't think right now is necessarily the best timing with your holiday/Easter coming up.

dktreesea

People put up with abuse in relationships for years. Sometimes a day comes when one of the partners has a lightbulb moment. OP, it sounds like you have had yours. You next step would be to ask yourself a series of questions, e.g.

Does being with this person make me happy?
How would I feel about living alone?
If, after splitting the assets, I could, say, only afford a 1 bedroom flat, how would I feel about living that way after, say, living in a house for so long?
If I end up being seen by our circle of friends as the rogue in all this and lose all my friends, how will I feel about/cope with this?

If you don't think you could manage splitting up, then ask yourself this:

Am I prepared to try and live up to my wife's expectations?
If she judges me to be a failure on this score, am I prepared to live with the resulting abuse?

Dunroamin

dktreesea wrote: »

People put up with abuse in relationships for years. Sometimes a day comes when one of the partners has a lightbulb moment. OP, it sounds like you have had yours. You next step would be to ask yourself a series of questions, e.g.

Does being with this person make me happy?
How would I feel about living alone?
If, after splitting the assets, I could, say, only afford a 1 bedroom flat, how would I feel about living that way after, say, living in a house for so long?
If I end up being seen by our circle of friends as the rogue in all this and lose all my friends, how will I feel about/cope with this?

If you don't think you could manage splitting up, then ask yourself this:

Am I prepared to try and live up to my wife's expectations?
If she judges me to be a failure on this score, am I prepared to live with the resulting abuse?

The OP hasn't mentioned being abused.

FBaby

You have a serious communication problem it would seem. One event, you feel you were very supportive, she feels you let her down. Different expectations, different perception of the event, whatever it is, you seem to be on a different planet, speaking a different language and the more resentment grow, the worse it is going to get.

Is it a case that she is completely unreasonable with her expectations, that the more you give the more she wants? Is it a case that you are completely clueless at understanding her needs? Does she fail to listen to you, do you fail to listen to her? Are you both so engross at how the other is treating yourself that you are forgetting to think about the impact of your own actions on the other?

Can you go back to speaking the same language? How do you do it? Couple communicate differently, so it is not about the right or wrong way. My partner hates with a passion all 'serious discussions' and will avoid it each time. He sees them as conflict, I see them as clearing the air. The way it works is that I try my best to resolved any conflicting feelings I have and avoid the 'discussions', but it matters don't get resolves, it comes out usually a bit out of the blue and almost inevitably leads to a unpleasant argument. Doesn't sound good, but it then clears the air, my partner thinks it through and this usually prompts some change. Thankfully, these are not often. Hopefully, we will learn to avoid these discussions leading to arguments, but in the meantime, at least, it means that we do take into consideration each other's feelings and act accordingly.

You've reach the stage where you seem miles away understanding each other's feelings and needs. I think the only chance your relationship might have is to find a way to 'listen' rather than 'tell', but maybe this has already been tried and failed. Sometimes, the knowhow and will just isn't there anymore.

sassyblue

Dunroamin wrote: »

The OP hasn't mentioned being abused.

He's being verbally abused and says he has been for a long time. Abuse is abuse.

sassyblue

marisco wrote: »

You live with someone who shows narcissistic tendencies and is happy to treat you badly.

Glad you think so too, last time l said he should look narcissism up someone took offence because OP's wife had just been bereaved. But this has been going on too long, bereavement or not she sounds cruel.

londonsurrey

OP, have you saved a copy of the thread you deleted, because aren't you going over pretty much the same ground again?

Person_one

sassyblue wrote: »

Glad you think so too, last time l said he should look narcissism up someone took offence because OP's wife had just been bereaved. But this has been going on too long, bereavement or not she sounds cruel.

Ah ok, I have got the right poster.

I didn't 'take offence', I just thought it was way OTT to diagnose narcissism because somebody who had lost a close relative just days ago wasn't able to put their grief aside when their husband was being needy.

OP, it sounds to me like you know you want to leave your wife but you are desperate not to be the 'bad guy' in the situation. Just do it, you don't love her and you don't want to stay with her so get on with it like ripping a plaster off. People separate all the time.

beckysbobbles1

I really agree with others that maybe you should go on holiday to talk properly.

Although it seems you have made your mind up about ending the relationship, I think your wife deserves the time for the two of you to talk.

We all say things in the heat of the moment that we later regret and I think this is sopmething your wife did.

It is slightly different but my ex woke up one day and said he was confused about what he wanted from our future, so he decided to stay over a friends for the evening.

The next day he decides to leave me and move out. I was never given the opportunity to discuss our feelings and this affected me for a bit.

Everyone deserves to be heard and I think by sitting down with your wife you can both disucss what you want from life.

With regards to your low self-esteem, please seek some help from a counsellor as everyone deserves to feel happy and if you can not be happy with yourself, how can you expect someone else to be happy for you?