whinge

Pollycat

mellymoo74 wrote: »

How is that trying to help? The inference I took from it bearing in mind Im under a lot of pressure to attend was that I cant think shes lovely if I dont sit with a whole heap of people in a church to say goodbye the normal way.

Sorry your friend felt bad grief is not pleasant .

I was trying to make the point that you might regret not going.

Sorry you didn't 'get it' and inferred something that wasn't in my post. :cool:

In my first post I suggested you might like to sit at the back and not interact with those relatives you seem not to like.

You know, sometimes grief makes you not able to see the wood for the trees - I thought it might be like that for you.

Are you having a go at your OH who:

is trying to get me to call them and to go to the funeral I cant because I need to stay sane.

In the end, it's you who has to decide and you who has to be happy with that decision.

Mojisola wrote: »

Why were the police involved - do they usually go looking for estranged relatives?

In my first reply, I was concentrating on the issue of the OP choosing not to go to the funeral but I think that sounds strange, Mojisola.

podperson

If you don't feel you would benefit from going to the funeral then it's entirely your choice. There are lots of ways to remember and say goodbye to your nan that don't involve having to sit through a service. Tbh I've never got anything out of funerals, I've usually just gone to offer support to others there.

I just wanted to mention the fact that the police contacted you, as others have said it is unusual and while I'm not suggesting in any that it's dodgy, is it possible that if your estranged family have no way of contacting you at the moment then they requested the police find you to give you the information? Apologies if I'm way off the mark here, but if so then that would show to me an effort on their side to try and involve or at least inform you of an important family event (if you haven't spoken to them in years then you could have remained ignorance of your nan's death for many years to come). Of course, I don't know the details of your problems with them but if you did hope to make things up with them at some point then perhaps you could use this to reach out to them, you don't have to go to the funeral but maybe a card to them would mean a lot.

mellymoo74

Thats exactly why, I have changed my home number recently and my mobile so there is no other way of contacting me.
I am thinking of a way of thanking them that doesnt get me sucked into the whole need to go to the funeral thing.

Mojisola

They do need some way of contacting you if there is any inheritance left to you. You can refuse to accept an inheritance but, if the executors can't contact you, they won't be able to finish dealing with the estate.

pigpen

SmallL wrote: »

Not everyone benefits from going to funerals, i have been to three in total and felt that if anything, they just upset me further.

I am the same.. I just don't go if i can get out of it.. I have been to the funerals of my gran and 2 uncles who both died suddenly and fairly young.. I was the one that couldn't speak for gulping sobs and was a mess. I wish I hadn't gone but my mother would never have forgiven me despite the fact for one I had a 3 week old prem baby and the other I was 6 months pregnant and had crutches and was in lots of pain.. I don't need the emotional turmoil.. I'm better at home remembering them as they were in life rather than in a box.

Desperado99

Sorry for your loss, MellyMoo.

You could send a little card just to say thanks for letting you know and to say (if you want to) that you won't be attending the funeral.

caeler

This is your decision and only you can make it. I have 'family history' and I remember when my ex-OH tried to 'help me see sense'. Didn't go well for him.

londonsurrey

mellymoo74 wrote: »

Thats exactly why, I have changed my home number recently and my mobile so there is no other way of contacting me.
I am thinking of a way of thanking them that doesnt get me sucked into the whole need to go to the funeral thing.

What do you want to thank them for? I can't see the information for that bit.

Secondly, if you do feel compelled to thank them, you can just send them a Thank You card with no return address.

And simply say that you're not attending if anyone asks. There will be inevitably be someone who does the "Yeah, but..." bit, but just say "I'm not attending", and change the subject (if they're someone you want to keep around) or walk past them/blank them if they're someone you don't really want to know anyhow.

marisco_2

mellymoo74 wrote: »

I understand that the accepted norm is to go to the funeral, thank you all for your advice however I wont be going

I am sorry for your loss OP. There are many ways of being able to say goodbye to a loved one. I haven't been to any funerals, yet I have lost a number of people I was close to. Remember your nan in a way that makes you happy. It is what we do for people when they are alive that counts, not following the so called norms when they have passed on.

ognum

MM you are quite right you do not have to go to a funeral to greave, just because it's the expected norm doesn't mean you have to do it.

Find a quite space and think about your Nan, do what you want to do on the day of her funeral.

give yourself space and you will find the right way for you.