Worried for friend

pukkamum

Here's a bit of background, this could be long so please bear with me.
I have a friend lets call her Jill, I have known her since my son started primary school with her son, she has a little girl a yerar older than ours and we got very friendly taking the younger girls to playgroup etc.
When her daughter started primary school our friendship sort of tailed off as she was no longer doing playgroups etc and I had another baby.
Last year we really reconnected again, I love her to bits, she is kind, funny loyal etc and I often have her and her kids over in the hols as well as us doing stuff together coffees shopping trips etc.
Our kids are really great friends too and she often has mine to hers for tea and play and I do the same, her mum recently died and I tried to be as supportive as I could and she oftens says how much she appreciates it.

Sounds great.
Now here lies the problem.
Her husband is and always has been very controlling, she cannot have friends over to the house when he is in, he will only allow what he wants on the t.v (usually survivalist/ war programmes), he wouldn't allow her any input into decorating the house and many other things.
When her mother died she inherited a lot of money 90k or there abouts.
Now my friend and her husband are terrible with money, and I mean terrible, they have already gone through half of it since last summer and none of it spent on paying off mortgage or the countless debts they have, it has purely gone on clothes, meals out etc but it is there choice and though it astounds me I keep my mouth shut.
Her husband has taken to drawing large sums of money out of the bank and hiding it away, he claimed that the grand she found under the bed was from his parents but she knows it isn't, it's clearly from their bank account.
A it more on her husband, he was raised as a Jehovah Witness and though he claims not to be part of it anymore he still follows a lot of the practices, no xmas tree, won't be involved in the buying of birthday or xmas presents etc.
Thats fine they are his beliefs and she says he has never tried to indocrinate her into the church etc as he knows she has no interest in it and does not agree with many of the practices.
When chatting with my friend one of the things we have in common is a love of zombie films, books etc bit wierd some might say but hey hum.
Now her husband also is very into end of the world scenarios and will constantly talk about how the end of the world is coming etc (now I could be being ignorant but I believe that to be one of the Jehovah teachings) and he has her buying in bulk supplies etc.
Still nothing particularly wrong but add into the mix the fact he has now started stockpiling guns and knives (he has a gun licence and goes to the range) he has told her he wants to buy a plot of land in a forest to build a 'shelter' and a fully working tank ready for when the apocolypse comes!
All using her mums money of course.

Now I say each to their own he may be right he may be wrong and if she wants to go along with him fine.

But, I do not trust him at all, he has covered himself in religious tatoos and now takes the kids round to his mums every saturday, supposedly to give Jill a break, but according to my son, Jill's son has been going on and on about religion at school telling anyone who will listen about 'the end'.
Now I think this must be coming form his parents and I do not think that my friend is in any way aware of what is going on at his mums as her son told my son he wasn't to say anything to his mum about religion.

I have mainly two worries, the first being he has now bought his son a gun, an air rifle that as far as I can is just kept in his room (he showed it to my son when we called to pick them up once) the house is full of guns and knives and I really worry about the husbands state of mind sometimes (just picking up on things Jill has said) and quite frankly I do not want my children any where near guns, I don't want them thinking they are 'cool' and 'fun' and I do not want them in an unstable house with guns.
So what I do the next time the kids are invited over? Do I tell her no and the truth, make an excuse?
Also do I tell my friend about the religious coaching happening with her son?
Sorry for the length, well done if you got to the end!

SuzieSue

You need to put you and your children first. Jill might be a lovely lady, but her husband isn't and sounds like a complete nutcase. The situation has gone too far for you to be able to do anything about it and Jill seems to agree with what he is doing and so won't appreciate you interfering.

If I were you, I would not let your children play with their children any more and just end your friendship with the family.

If they invite you over, you can tell her the truth if you want (only you know her well enough to decide), but otherwise just make excuses like you or one of your children are unwell and she will soon get the message.

danielley

I think that as you are aware of this strange situation you would never forgive yourself if something happened to your children and therefore you should not allow them to visit their house unaccompanied. It is up to you whether you lie about the reason or not, it depends how you think she will react to the truth and if you would want to risk losing her as a friend.

I would also mention the religious bit, but if she doesn't seem to welcome your opinion, I would leave it at that.

geminilady

SuzieSue wrote: »

You need to put you and your children first. Jill might be a lovely lady, but her husband isn't and sounds like a complete nutcase. The situation has gone too far for you to be able to do anything about it and Jill seems to agree with what he is doing and so won't appreciate you interfering.

If I were you, I would not let your children play with their children any more and just end your friendship with the family.

Of course she needs to put her children first but think it is a bit harsh to advise her to end the friendship.OP I would tell your friend the truth why you are not happy with your children going to her house.I would also tell her about the visits to the grandparents it is wrong of the husband to tell the child not to talk about it with his mum especialy when he knows she does not agree with the religion.I would also tell the friend she is always welcome to visit.

Amanda65

I would continue to welcome Jill's children to my house to play but be very upfront with her about your views on the guns etc. I would be horrified if my son (who is now 17!) was in a room with a friend who had a gun - let alone at primary age. Accidents happen, boys show off and the consequences don't bear thinking about.

If Jill is as good a friend as you say, she will understand your reasons, if not, then sadly you may have to end the friendship for your children's safety.

SuzieSue

geminilady wrote: »

Of course she needs to put her children first but think it is a bit harsh to advise her to end the friendship.OP I would tell your friend the truth why you are not happy with your children going to her house.I would also tell her about the visits to the grandparents it is wrong of the husband to tell the child not to talk about it with his mum especialy when he knows she does not agree with the religion.I would also tell the friend she is always welcome to visit.

Perhaps, but even if her chidren don't go to Jill's house, they will still be exposed to Jill's son going on about "the end" and possibly guns etc in the future. If the OP is happy with that then fine, but I wouldn't be.

beckysbobbles1

This seems like a very difficult situation to be in and I think you are right to be concerned for your friend.

Could you ask to meet your friend for coffee, no kids, and have a private talk with her?

You need to ensure she doesn't get too defensive and feel like you are attacking her marriage. I would suggest starting off by saying what a wonderful person she is and mother but your worried about a few aspects of her life.

Say you don't judge what she's doing but your concerned for her and her childrens safety.

I'm not a Mother but I can imagine your children ultimately come first so that point is one that needs to be made.

Any

geminilady wrote: »

Of course she needs to put her children first but think it is a bit harsh to advise her to end the friendship.OP I would tell your friend the truth why you are not happy with your children going to her house.I would also tell her about the visits to the grandparents it is wrong of the husband to tell the child not to talk about it with his mum especialy when he knows she does not agree with the religion.I would also tell the friend she is always welcome to visit.

I don't know. My reaction would be the same as yours IF they didn't sound like nutcases AND had GUNS!!

It doesn't seem to me like the friend will care for that sort of speach. Unless she is stupid she knows what is going on. She chooses to ignore it. It doesn't seem to be hidden in any way if the children at school talk about it!!
Perhaps only one house friendship would be better option then ending it. But you migt get angry husband with a shotgun stalking your house.

I would tread carefully.

thorsoak

I would suggest that you go to the police station, and ask to talk to the officer who deals with the licencing of guns. Tell him of your fears, and the fact that the son has a gun which he has shown to your son.

Guns are now supposed to be kept in a securely locked cabinet, to which children do not have access. These facts should be enough to warrant the police "just checking" on the security of his weapons.

Amanda65

SuzieSue wrote: »

Perhaps, but even if her chidren don't go to Jill's house, they will still be exposed to Jill's son going on about "the end" and possibly guns etc in the future. If the OP is happy with that then fine, but I wouldn't be.

According to Pukka Mum this is happening at school as well

pukkamum wrote: »

according to my son, Jill's son has been going on and on about religion at school telling anyone who will listen about 'the end'.

I would also be having a quiet word with the teacher to see if they have picked up on it and to tell her that your son is finding it scary. How old are the boys?

SuzieSue

Amanda65 wrote: »

According to Pukka Mum this is happening at school as well

Yes, but the OP can't easily control what happens at school. But by allowing her children to mix with Jill's children outside school the OP will send a message to her children that she is ok with that sort of behaviour.