What's an alternative to a care home.

74jax

Mojisola wrote: »

The other residents vary in their needs. Dad can't go out by himself but several others use it like a hotel and go out to visit friends, continue with their clubs and pop down the pub on the corner for a drink!

Dad's kept up his outings to the Social Club (although with much of his liver removed he can't have his Guiness) so it's nice to read he can still pop to the pub :rotfl:

moneyistooshorttomention

I can see exactly why you don't like your mother - isnt she the selfish one!!:eek:

There are certainly good carehomes around. I've visited before now in a very nice modern ones with en suite bathrooms, the lot on the one hand.

On the other hand - before now I've been off on a weekend break somewhere and one of the people I got friendly with lived in a care home, but was there because she was also having a little holiday break. She just seemed to prefer living in a carehome, had found a decent one and had the money to pay for it - so thats what she did.

Years ago I used to work part-time in a small family hotel and they had an older woman living there with permanent residency status. She had a large en suite room and came down to meals with the other hotel guests if she wanted and that arrangement seemed to suit her fine. I wasnt aware of her having any health problems I could see - but she also just preferred to have this sort of living arrangement.

Once your father has moved out somewhere suitable - then your mother will have two choices for it and one of them will be that she will have no option whatsoever but to accept help from this paid carer that comes in.

Do make sure she doesnt put on you next.

Sounds like your father badly needs a break from this selfish old biddy he married. I hope you can manage to find somewhere nice for him.

EDIT: I also wonder whether you live in a part of the country where there is any self-catering holiday accommodation available? There might be possibilities, if so, to approach the owner of some suitable place and make some sort of long-term deal with them. I've certainly noticed that, in some parts of the country, bookings are very very scarce on the ground for some perfectly nice holiday accommodation - presumably down to the economic crisis - so you never know..there might be a deal to be done.

...and I'll also agree with Mojisola's comment re tough love being needed to deal with this selfish biddy...in order to protect your father. Mojisola talks a lot of sense on this Board.

Mojisola

moneyistooshorttomention wrote: »

Mojisola talks a lot of sense on this Board.

Thank you!

Perryl_2

Hey 74jax, sorry to hear you have quite a dilemma on your hands here but I think so far everyone has given you some great advice.

With regards to your Dad, there are indeed care homes which would be able to happily accommodate him and allow him to carry on his life at normal. My Mum has managed one for many years and she has had many people come to them and carry on with outings, pub trips, days out to London, weekends away and one lovely chap who used to go and get her lottery ticket for her when she was too busy to take a break! She also had a lovely 106 year old lady who had lived alone at home for a fair few years come to her as she just needed a bit of a break.

If you haven't already, take a look at the CQC's website, you can search for Care Homes by area and it can also give you an idea of what to expect about the home a little based on their inspections. I also encourage you to go visit them unannounced. I used to work as the administrator in a care home and many people were unsure whether it was okay to just pop in for a look, I think it's one of the best things to do. You know they aren't expecting you so you'll get to see the real deal! Speak to the people while you're there, not just the staff, but the families and the residents, don't be afraid to ask questions. Some places would even let you arrange for your Dad to stay for a day, to see if it feels right for him too.

I also want to add that Mojisola definitely talks a lot of sense. I really hope this all works out for you all.

any_name_will_suffice

My grandparents moved into a care home some 16/ 17 years ago. My grandfather was losing his eye sight, and caring for my grandmother, who really wasn't well physically or mentally by then, and he wasn't coping. They originally went in for respite, but never left. My grandfather found it was a huge relief, he no longer had to be the carer for my grandmother, and found his freedom again. He made a lot of friends, came and went as he pleased (mainly to the pub if I remember right). My grandmother died soon after they moved, but my grandfather was there until he died, which must have been 14 years after he moved in. It was very much his home, and the care he received was adjusted to reflect his changing needs as he grew older.

I would definitely second what Perryl said about checking on the CQC website for inspection reports and making unannounced visits to potential homes.

I 'm not sure about service users doing their own cooking, laundry etc in a care home, as I would imagine there will be some restrictions around health and safety, but service users should be able to come and go as they please, unless they are assessed as lacking capacity to make decisions about their own safety and welfare in the community, in which case a decision may be made that restricts that individual. I am certain a care home cannot have a blanket 'no service users can go out and about as they please on their own' policy as that would be unlawful.

Tiddlywinks

74jax wrote: »

When he was in hospital before christmas he was in for about 2 months, then came to me over christmas as DD was at her dads and he had her room, mother went mad that he didn't consider her etc and how was she to get milk - yet when the carers say 'do you want any shopping' she'll reply ooo no I'll go get it later....... even though the carers know she can't walk......... arghhhhh

Whether you like it or not, they are a married couple. Most wives would be unhappy about their husband being away from them over Christmas. Yes, I know that he was recovering with you BUT your mum was still (as she might see it) left behind.

Would you like to be away from your family over Christmas?

How does your dad feel about your mum? They have been together for many years, how does he feel about her attitude, health etc?

Yes, your mum may well be 'difficult' but I do think the way you feel about her clouds the way you see things.

Lots of people with serious or chronic conditions experience depression - could this apply to your mum?

Anyway, your dad is an adult and should be fully included in planning his own life. I know you mean well but I think you need to give him space to fully consider his options... don't let your feelings influence his relationship with his wife.

74jax

Tiddlywinks wrote: »

Whether you like it or not, they are a married couple. Most wives would be unhappy about their husband being away from them over Christmas. Yes, I know that he was recovering with you BUT your mum was still (as she might see it) left behind. Mum would rather Dad wasn't around, other than obviously to get her meals etc. She is quite happy to stay in the house herself, if I came across as though she would like to be out and about then that's entirely my fault. No, she would rather be in the house. She didn't want to come to me or my brothers for Christmas, she didnt want to go to her sisters either. I had her and Dad the year before and she didn't like my food (or so she said) and would rather I had lefther at home as she didn't like my company (Dad however didn't want to leave her for Christmas). This year however Dad said she didn't want to come and just to leave it, so I did. She seemed much better this year than being forced to come to me.

Would you like to be away from your family over Christmas? I would hate it, but I get on with my family. My mum had told me many times she wishes she hadn't had me and that I was a mistake. I think that is why she would rather be by herself.

How does your dad feel about your mum? They have been together for many years, how does he feel about her attitude, health etc? They have been married for 53 years, a long time. They got married as mum was pregnant with my brother and during those times you couldn't consider a child out of wedlock. I was born when my brother was 15, mum openly admits I was a mistake but she couldn't face not having me, I don't think that was an option. Dad and I have always been close. Dad and Mum have had a relationship where they have lived alongside each other quite happily. Since mums stroke maybe 5-6 years ago, being her main carer has taken it's toll on him. He looked to lived seperate lives maybe 3 years ago, but then his health took a battering and he just lost the will to fight with her anymore.

Yes, your mum may well be 'difficult' but I do think the way you feel about her clouds the way you see things. i totally accept this, that's why Imentioned it and asked for unbias opinions.

Lots of people with serious or chronic conditions experience depression - could this apply to your mum?I have no idea.

Anyway, your dad is an adult and should be fully included in planning his own life. I know you mean well but I think you need to give him space to fully consider his options... don't let your feelings influence his relationship with his wife.

It is Dad who is asking me for options as he has said he can no longer carry on, wishes the cancer would 'come to an end' etc. It's not nice to hear and so i am looking at ways to ease his standard of living.

itsmecathy

Hi, my sympathy for what sounds like a very difficult situation.

I would be surprised if social services would agree to fund your dad for a place in a care home. Where I am (Scotland), care homes are increasingly for those with major physical or health problems, or those incapacitated by dementia, who need 24 care. Unless your dad has savings to fund his placement himself?

If your dad is in agreement to moving away from your mum, I would suggest a trial with family first, moving towards sheltered housing, with his own care package if he needs it. The social worker should be able to point you in the right direction.

If your dad is really wanting help to change the situation at home, perhaps the social worker could assist to negotiate a compromise?I guess it would depend on whether your mum is really not bothered about whether he stays. If she is, perhaps she would agree to regular respite? From what you say though it sounds like she would not be motivated to change her behavior...

74jax

itsmecathy wrote: »

I would be surprised if social services would agree to fund your dad for a place in a care home. Where I am (Scotland), care homes are increasingly for those with major physical or health problems, or those incapacitated by dementia, who need 24 care. Unless your dad has savings to fund his placement himself?

It would be paid for. We currently pay for meals on wheels, carers etc and the care home/sheltered housing would be paid for by us too.

moneyistooshorttomention

That's the one blessing you have in this situation:). It must help a lot to know that the money is there to pay whatever needs to be paid to deal with it:).

You are fortunate in that - by the sound of it - you have a very supportive OH yourself and I wish you well personally in recovering from a childhood with a mother who made it very plain she didnt want you.

Hope things work out well now for both you and your father.