What's an alternative to a care home.

74jax

My poorly dad I feel has given up now and accepted he may not have long left. He is 80 and in the last 18 months has undergone a bowel cancer op, liver cancer op and leukemia treatment. He is the main carer also for mum.

Mum had a stroke 5 years ago and can't walk far, will sleep in til 2-3pm, can't cook or make a drink. She has a carer but mum doesn't let her do anything. Can't remember the last time she had a wash....

I have had her mentally assessed several times for capacity but she always passes.

Dad now can't cope with her, she is nasty, sly and quite vicious with her speech.

Dad needs rest, I am looking at how I could have him here but he isn't keen as it's several hours from his friends who visit. I have tried to get them to move in the passed but mum won't.

I am going to speak to dad's social worker tomorrow but does anyone know any options? I am not asking medical advice so MSE please don't delete.

Dad goes out, buys a paper, milk etc pops round to his friends but mum doesn't move. It seems odd dad might have to be the one who goes into a home or respite when if could look after himself at home but mother refuses to budge.

You may be able to tell I can't stand my mother but adore my dad, so I would like some unbiased advice.

I'm going to suggest dad comes to me for a week every couple of weeks in the meantime.

Has anyone dealt with anything similar?

gingin_2

Why not a care home? My grandmother goes to an amazing one, she has been there for 3 years and I suspect could be there for 10 - they also have couples there. It's a warm, loving, friendly place with hot meals, security, entertainment and most importantly someone to care for them. It gives my family huge peace of mind. I know of one couple there where the husband has dementia and the wife does not but needs help and they have rooms next to each other.

74jax

Oo thank you, I just thought carehomes were for those who needed 'care' ie my mum, whereas dad is independent and cooks etc. I didn't realize he could carry on (just without the restraints) as normal in a care home. I will certainly look at that then.

aylesby

Visit a few care homes, just telephone them. They are all different as are their prices. Quality varries and your dad may fit in one. A problem may be that good ones are full and you go on a waiting list.

gingin_2

74jax wrote: »

Oo thank you, I just thought carehomes were for those who needed 'care' ie my mum, whereas dad is independent and cooks etc. I didn't realize he could carry on (just without the restraints) as normal in a care home. I will certainly look at that then.

Please do. My grandmother's is a bit like a hotel and she's allowed to come and go as she pleases. She takes walks, goes to the shops, visits family, goes away with us, she doesn't do the cooking but they can help with the washing up if they wish and do small preparation jobs before hand. For us, there is always the peace of mind that she will be looked after and secure until the end.

It did take strong persuasion for her to give up her independence but she was struggling and now knows she is in the right place.

pmlindyloo

From what you say about your dad it does sound as if he is still able to get out and about. Is he able to look after himself/cook meals/wash himself etc?

If he is then it does seem a shame that he can't stay in his own home, perhaps with help from carers.

The problem seems to be your mother. Unfortunately, no one can make her wash, get out of bed etc. Even in a care home they wouldn't be able to do anything different if she refuses to cooperate. And by the sounds of things she wouldn't go into a care home anyway.

Mmmm, a really difficult one.

What does your dad want to do? You may think that he is not coping but is it more that you don't like the fact that your mother is not allowing him a good quality of life?

If your mother wasn't there would your dad choose/be able to stay in his own home?

I am sorry that I am unable to suggest any answers to the problem.

Both of them could go into a care home but you would have to choose very carefully so that your dad didn't feel isolated and was able to get about and see his friends. If he is still going to the shops then you would need to choose a care home that would allow him to get out and about.

If your mother has had a stroke then it sounds as if she might need nursing care ( is this right? ) but your dad doesn't.

Nursing homes, in my experience, are not fun places if you are still active and not needing nursing care. I'm not sure that they would be suitable for your dad.

And if your mother refused to leave her home would your dad leave her?

Lots of questions and no answers I'm sorry to say.

Best to be guided by social servies and an assessment of their needs.

Hopefully some of my questions might give you'food for thought'.

74jax

We have already looked at some and got prices for mum last year. Dad was in hospital indefinately and Social Services made appointments for myself and my brother to go and view with my mum going in one.

However the ones we saw were more catered towards my mum, tbh I think they would be absolutely ideal. She went in for respite when she fell down the stairs a few months back and she had never looked better. They kept her in for around a month as she had sores from where she didn't wash etc and so wanted them to be healed.

I will have a google this afternoon and make some calls to see which ones offer Dad the feedom to come and go as he likes, just without mum there. My OH suggested we even pay for a hotel for Dad just to get him away from mum, but of course he wouldn't be able to cook etc for himself then and I think he wouldn't feel 'at home'.

I feel so sorry for Dad, he was apparently crying yesterday with my sister-in-law, whilst mother was shouting at him to get a drink and did he want her to die of thirst etc.

Sis in Law said she'd said to Dad to pack a bag and go with her for a few days, but the trouble is when Dad eventually went back mother would make his life hell.

When he was in hospital before christmas he was in for about 2 months, then came to me over christmas as DD was at her dads and he had her room, mother went mad that he didn't consider her etc and how was she to get milk - yet when the carers say 'do you want any shopping' she'll reply ooo no I'll go get it later....... even though the carers know she can't walk......... arghhhhh

74jax

pmlindyloo wrote: »

From what you say about your dad it does sound as if he is still able to get out and about. Is he able to look after himself/cook meals/wash himself etc?
Yes, he does all the cooking, cleaning, shopping etc now for him and mum. Although mum is 'i'll have a drink now', 'get me that', 'switch the tv over' etc

If he is then it does seem a shame that he can't stay in his own home, perhaps with help from carers.

The problem seems to be your mother. Unfortunately, no one can make her wash, get out of bed etc. Even in a care home they wouldn't be able to do anything different if she refuses to cooperate. And by the sounds of things she wouldn't go into a care home anyway.
I know When dad was in hospital last year, the carers would make a sandwich for her and then put it in the bin the next day and make another. As long as they leave her food etc if she chooses not to get up and eat it, it is her choice. As she has capacity to decide. I don't believe for one moment she has, but she passes the tests every single time.
Mmmm, a really difficult one.

What does your dad want to do? You may think that he is not coping but is it more that you don't like the fact that your mother is not allowing him a good quality of life? He had to fill out a macmillian form yesterday, and Sis in law said he told her to mark he was depressed, couldn't cope, is fed up, anxious, annoyed etc. He openly says - in front of mum- that she does nothing, makes his last months hell, doesn't even offer to help make him a cup of tea. she just sits and pretends to be deaf at that point.

If your mother wasn't there would your dad choose/be able to stay in his own home?Most definately yes.

Both of them could go into a care home but you would have to choose very carefully so that your dad didn't feel isolated and was able to get about and see his friends. If he is still going to the shops then you would need to choose a care home that would allow him to get out and about.I think from a previous post it would appear that some carehomes do allow this.

If your mother has had a stroke then it sounds as if she might need nursing care ( is this right? ) but your dad doesn't.She has carers, who come, say do you want to get up and washed and something to eat. She replies she'll do it later and then the carers go and she doesn't. We pay a fortune for the carers too but if she says to them not to do anything, then their hands are tied.

Nursing homes, in my experience, are not fun places if you are still active and not needing nursing care. I'm not sure that they would be suitable for your dad.

And if your mother refused to leave her home would your dad leave her?I think we are at that point.

It's hard too as my friends think I'm harsh on my mum as she has had a stroke etc, yet we never got on before the stroke, so to be that doesn't change anything.

Dunroamin

What about renting or buying him a little flat in a sheltered housing complex?

74jax

Dunroamin wrote: »

What about renting or buying him a little flat in a sheltered housing complex?

That's not a bad suggestion thank you.

The social worker they have is a lovely man, and someone that mam and dad really respect. Only thing is I feel I have to push him to offer suggestions, so if I didn't mention sheltered housing he wouldn't offer it (if you know what I mean). I feel I have to have an idea of what we're going to discuss before I call him, hence my thread.

Last Monday the carers said Dad was very unwell and had bad jaundice and would call a doctor, Mum said not to and so they reported it to their management who in turn called the Social Worker who popped round straight away and said 'right we need an ambulance don't we' and mum was 'oooo yes, straight away'. So she does listen to him, which is good as she doesn't listen to many people.

Aria`s_Tail

Hi.
Would your Mum be persuaded to back to a care home? You said she was in when your Dad was in hospital and looked better?
I have worked in care homes and done home care as well. The problem with home care is you are very limited time wise, if she says no your carers will have other appointments that must be kept. In a care home carers have a bit more flexibility so if she says no, i'm not getting up they can go and help someone else then pop back in and eventually persude her to wash etc.
Could you suggest she goes in for a couple of weeks for respite care and see if that could lead to permanent?