What's an alternative to a care home.

pmlindyloo

Dunroamin wrote: »

What about renting or buying him a little flat in a sheltered housing complex?

It might be a time for some tough love with your mother from the sounds of it.

Have you sat down and told her that Dad can't cope and these are the options? (one being the above?)

She may pretend to be deaf (my mother does this - turns her head away when you are saying something she doesn't like) but a week later she has thought things through and 'sees sense'.

Since you appear to have a difficult relationship with her then maybe a social worker can talk to her and put the different options to her.

She sounds like she is very depressed (as well as a stubborn and difficult woman)

Have you spoken to her doctor about this? Perhaps he can give her some 'happy pills'.

If she is not prepared to make an effort and there is no medical reason for her behaviour then I do agree that your dad must come first and make his latter years as good as can be.

pigpen

I'd suggest sheltered housing for him .. he would have someone 'on call' if he needed them and could stay in a similar area.

What does the 'carer' do if she does nothing? It seems a waste when others are in desperate need wasting the service on someone ungrateful.

Noctu

Sorry to hear your family are having such a difficult time at the moment. Have you contacted Age UK? They hear about situations like this regularly and can advise you and your family on the different options available, perhaps there's an option you're not aware of or hadn't considered that might be most beneficial.

Good luck.

74jax

Aria`s_Tail wrote: »

Hi.
Would your Mum be persuaded to back to a care home? You said she was in when your Dad was in hospital and looked better?
Could you suggest she goes in for a couple of weeks for respite care and see if that could lead to permanent?

pmlindyloo wrote: »

Have you sat down and told her that Dad can't cope and these are the options? (one being the above?) Yes, we also have it in writing from the hospital (what Dad can and can't do) as she doesn't have very good memory, so we thought if we printed it out she could keep refering to it - but that doesn't help either. I have even been as blunt as if she carried on how she is Dad will die a lot sooner and more miserable than if she let him live out his last couple of year's in peace. I am the one who talks blunt to her and don't mind this. She is not my main concern, my Dad is.

She may pretend to be deaf (my mother does this - turns her head away when you are saying something she doesn't like) but a week later she has thought things through and 'sees sense'. She would have forgot the conversation in an hour or so.

She sounds like she is very depressed (as well as a stubborn and difficult woman)

Have you spoken to her doctor about this? Perhaps he can give her some 'happy pills'.

If she is not prepared to make an effort and there is no medical reason for her behaviour then I do agree that your dad must come first and make his latter years as good as can be.

We've done every kind of 'love' with mum, gentle, tough, subtle. She went into respite last year when she fell down the stairs and we 'hoped' she would enjoy so much she'd just stay there.

However, it doesn't matter what we say or Social Workers recommend, if she says she doesn't want to go in a home she can't be forced. And rightly so (even though I hate to say it out loud).

SO, our option is to find how Dad can have a peaceful and quiet time for the next few months. I'm going to measure if we can fit a single bed in one of our rooms, and then I can have him for a week at a time.

And will definately speak about carehomes that allow Dad freedom and also sheltered housing.

74jax

pigpen wrote: »

What does the 'carer' do if she does nothing? It seems a waste when others are in desperate need wasting the service on someone ungrateful.

She will come in, will make Dad a cup of tea, sit and speak with him, records how he is feeling etc.

She will pop up to see mum, make sure she's ok, does she want anything, offer to change the bed (mum wouldn't dream of getting out of it to allow her to), offer to do washing etc.

I should add my dad is not ungrateful in the slightest. Without them popping in last Monday, the ambulance wouldn't have been called and Dad diagnoised within days of something else. According to mum 'your dad looked fine to me'......

I don't consider it wasting a service at all, it's peace of mind and they are there should Dad need any help with anything.

Mojisola

74jax wrote: »

However, it doesn't matter what we say or Social Workers recommend, if she says she doesn't want to go in a home she can't be forced. And rightly so (even though I hate to say it out loud).

She's only able to make that decision because she knows her sick husband will be around to help her.

I would take your father out of the equation for a while and leave your mother to her own devices. It sounds nasty but sometimes, in order to protect one person, you have to be harsh with the "taker" in the family. Your father has the right to enjoy his last years without having a tyrant controlling him.

Apart from anything else, your mother is going to end up with horrible bed sores if she doesn't move about.

74jax

Mojisola wrote: »

She's only able to make that decision because she knows her sick husband will be around to help her.

I would take your father out of the equation for a while and leave your mother to her own devices. It sounds nasty but sometimes, in order to protect one person, you have to be harsh with the "taker" in the family. Your father has the right to enjoy his last years without having a tyrant controlling him.

Apart from anything else, your mother is going to end up with horrible bed sores if she doesn't move about.

Dad was out of the picture for 3 months or so last year. She stayed in bed the majority of that time or slept on the sofa. Meals on wheels brought one hot meal a day.

It appears that is acceptable as that is how she chooses to live. Just because I don't agree doesn't mean I can change it unfortunately.

I think we as a family have accepted mum won't leave the house for a carehome, so it's now alternative ideas for dad.

Mojisola

74jax wrote: »

Dad was out of the picture for 3 months or so last year. She stayed in bed the majority of that time or slept on the sofa. Meals on wheels brought one hot meal a day.

It appears that is acceptable as that is how she chooses to live. Just because I don't agree doesn't mean I can change it unfortunately.

I think we as a family have accepted mum won't leave the house for a carehome, so it's now alternative ideas for dad.

In that case, just leave her to it.

My Mum died last year and my Dad was ill afterwards and deteriorated to the point of needing 24 hour supervision so he has gone into a care home. He is so happy - much happier than he was at home alone - that it's good to see him there.

I visited quite a few homes before deciding on this one - you'll know when you find one that suits him. Go with your gut instinct - as well as checking the reports and talking to people.

74jax

Mojisola wrote: »

In that case, just leave her to it.

My Mum died last year and my Dad was ill afterwards and deteriorated to the point of needing 24 hour supervision so he has gone into a care home. He is so happy - much happier than he was at home alone - that it's good to see him there.

I visited quite a few homes before deciding on this one - you'll know when you find one that suits him. Go with your gut instinct - as well as checking the reports and talking to people.

Thank you for that, and im sorry you have been through something similar. It's lovely you can see your dad happy again, that's what I want.

Mojisola

74jax wrote: »

Thank you for that, and im sorry you have been through something similar. It's lovely you can see your dad happy again, that's what I want.

It's a massive relief.

I took him to a hospital appointment recently and we had a very long wait - he was getting really fed up. When we finally got back to the care home, I pulled up and switched the engine off and he said "Thank goodness. Home at last!" It choked me up!

The other residents vary in their needs. Dad can't go out by himself but several others use it like a hotel and go out to visit friends, continue with their clubs and pop down the pub on the corner for a drink!