What am I going to do about my mum-in-law?

meer53

thehappybutterfly wrote: »

This is what I think too. I suggested this to her a while back and tried to get her to see that she's be happier in sheltered housing, she could get to know some of the residents (she probably already knows half of them!) - she'd have a social life and some care but her own privacy. But she's attached to the house as that's where her husband died. It's only bricks and mortar though - he's still alive in our hearts.

Someone needs to explain to her that the decision whether to stay in the house might be taken out of her hands if she doesn't take action now. Better to move now than be forced out.

LannieDuck

I don't normally agree with Treevo, but I do in this case. Why are your OH and his brothers allowing the younger brother to abuse their mother?

Really, this isn't your fight. It's your OH's fight and, although you say he's close to his mother, it doesn't sound as if he's that bothered. Maybe that's just because we don't know the full picture, but from what you've written it's all about what you're doing, and nothing about what your OH is doing.

Your OH and his brothers need to get together and come up with a plan. Maybe they need to have a strong word with their brother, maybe they need to get power of attorney for their mother and open a new bank account that younger brother doesn't have access to and closing the other one? Maybe they need to cancel all the catalogues on your mother's behalf, or maybe the answer is to persuade her to move... and that doesn't just mean mentioning it and giving up when she says no. It means taking her around to see some places, maybe helping her spend time there and getting to know the residents, and helping to encourage her to move.

Marshflower

I don’t have much advice I’m afraid, I just didn’t want to read and run on such a horrible situation. I really feel for you – you must feel so helpless and it’s great MIL has you to care for her.

thehappybutterfly wrote: »

That's not the case at all Treevo. They have all tried to help but mum won't listen to their advice.

The only thing I would say in response to the above that if they DO care and have tried and MIL just bats them away then as an earlier poster suggested, I think a full family meeting is in order. I suspect she knows her son is abusing her, she just feels ashamed and the old stiff upper lip is kicking in.
I really hope you find some sort of resolution to this.

thehappybutterfly

I had a chat with mum tonight and outlined the situation with her electric arrears - the payment that has been set for her doesn't even meet her monthly usage and if she doesn't get things under control, we'll be having the exact same conversation in 6 months..... except the arrears will be even higher. She's got someone from the utility company coming to her home later this month and they should make sure she's on the best tarriff, check her appliances and make sure they're on eco settings etc.

I found out that she gets monthly board money from son of £80 but that she lost a benefit when he moved in so she's still down £120 a month having him there. She acknowledges that she would be better off financially but son and gf won't. My response? Who cares - that's their problem. GF makes no financial contribution at all.

I've explained her options as I see them:

a) get more money out of them to meet the shortfall in income
b) throw them out (my personal favourite)
c) reduce the amount she pays towards her debt but then she'll be paying it for longer

I didn't even mention selling the house - she was already near tears

I also had a chat with BIL1 last night and he and his wife are as frustrated as I am but they've tried to help before and got nowhere. When youngest son walked out a year ago, as a team we looked into various methods of care, homehelps etc. and we started talking about who would take charge of this and that. We told her we would help her but on the condition that youngest son (ooops, nearly named him there!) didn't move back in. She vowed she wouldn't have him back no matter what and admitted that she was enjoying the peace and quiet. Two weeks later he was back.

Please don't misunderstand me - she's not a helpless victim. She's being disrespected and not getting any support from son and gf but she's not sitting there being shouted at constantly or physically pushed around. I know even that behaviour is unacceptable - I'm certainly not condoning it. But it's like knowing that a wife is being subject to domestic abuse and being too scared to say anything to the abuser in case they take it out on their victim. I think many of us on here know that's extremely common. However, the next time he raises his voice to his mum in front of me, I'll tell him 'politely' not to speak to her like that. She can stand up for herself - indeed I've heard her giving son a telling off - but she usually just shrugs it off.

I'll do what I can myself and try not to make things any worse.

piglet25

Maybe she shrugs it off through shame at having people hear her being spoken to that way? I do feel sorry for her. That youngest son needs a good kick up the behind, all the way through the door. That board works out at a tenner a week each for food and bills, and that constitutes financial abuse. Can you not call social services anonymously? She really should move to a nice sheltered place with a social side, and enjoy her twilight years, tell her that her husband wouldn't want her to keep the house on his behalf if it ment all this struggling. It reminds me of the elderly people who sit there in their blankets cos they won't use the heating just so they don't use any of their kids inheritance - incredibly sad. It seems she is in a circle of problems and someone needs to help her to break out of it, best of luck

LannieDuck

thehappybutterfly wrote: »

I found out that she gets monthly board money from son of £80 but that she lost a benefit when he moved in so she's still down £120 a month having him there. She acknowledges that she would be better off financially but son and gf won't. My response? Who cares - that's their problem. GF makes no financial contribution at all.

The son and his gf between them pay £20/week to cover rent, utilities and food?!

RAS

I would also do a full benefit check on www.turn2us.org.uk. She may have lost benefits that she could get back in part by providing information about son's income.

I suggest you find out how much the Council Tax is (on the Council web-site), and how much the non-dependents' contributions are.

At the very least youngest and GF need to cover - loss of single person's CT discount, non-dependents contributions for LHA/HB and CTB times 2 (again you can find details on the Council web-site) plus two thirds of all utility bills in water and TV licence. And some for things like cleaning materials and loo roll.

Assuming that they then provide ALL their own food etc.

Treevo

thehappybutterfly wrote: »

I had a chat with mum tonight and outlined the situation with her electric arrears - the payment that has been set for her doesn't even meet her monthly usage and if she doesn't get things under control, we'll be having the exact same conversation in 6 months..... except the arrears will be even higher. She's got someone from the utility company coming to her home later this month and they should make sure she's on the best tarriff, check her appliances and make sure they're on eco settings etc.

I found out that she gets monthly board money from son of £80 but that she lost a benefit when he moved in so she's still down £120 a month having him there. She acknowledges that she would be better off financially but son and gf won't. My response? Who cares - that's their problem. GF makes no financial contribution at all.

I've explained her options as I see them:

a) get more money out of them to meet the shortfall in income
b) throw them out (my personal favourite)
c) reduce the amount she pays towards her debt but then she'll be paying it for longer

I didn't even mention selling the house - she was already near tears

I also had a chat with BIL1 last night and he and his wife are as frustrated as I am but they've tried to help before and got nowhere. When youngest son walked out a year ago, as a team we looked into various methods of care, homehelps etc. and we started talking about who would take charge of this and that. We told her we would help her but on the condition that youngest son (ooops, nearly named him there!) didn't move back in. She vowed she wouldn't have him back no matter what and admitted that she was enjoying the peace and quiet. Two weeks later he was back.

Please don't misunderstand me - she's not a helpless victim. She's being disrespected and not getting any support from son and gf but she's not sitting there being shouted at constantly or physically pushed around. I know even that behaviour is unacceptable - I'm certainly not condoning it. But it's like knowing that a wife is being subject to domestic abuse and being too scared to say anything to the abuser in case they take it out on their victim. I think many of us on here know that's extremely common. However, the next time he raises his voice to his mum in front of me, I'll tell him 'politely' not to speak to her like that. She can stand up for herself - indeed I've heard her giving son a telling off - but she usually just shrugs it off.

I'll do what I can myself and try not to make things any worse.

Is there any reason that your husband and his brothers (plus partners) have not all gone en masse to confront their abuser of a brother and his waster skank of a girlfriend for what they are doing?

Do her parents know that their daughter is financially abusing an elderly lady? Maybe they should be told. And anyone else who is in a position to embarrass the trollop into walking away from the scumbag boyfriend.

sassyblue

Treevo wrote: »

Is there any reason that your husband and his brothers (plus partners) have not all gone en masse to confront their abuser of a brother and his waster skank of a girlfriend for what they are doing?

I agree with this, if the 3 brothers confronted him and kept a close eye on the situation the brother might change, he certainly won't change if nothing is done.

I feel for you and your MIL.