What am I going to do about my mum-in-law?

londonsurrey

They're in an unhealthy codependent relationship. Anything you do that enables the son to continue staying there is simply enabling them.

I'm not sure how you can do it, but get her out asap. What happens when the gf gets pregnant?

thehappybutterfly

I've said she's blind and deaf and it's true that she's registered blind but not totally. She has some vision. It's hilarious to watch her trying to read the label on a tin of peas!

She also really doesn't help herself though. She bought a touch phone from a catalogue company and I'm afraid I gave her a telling off. She paid twice as much as you would from a phone shop and because she can't hear very well or see, the phone sits in her bag doing nothing. She says she's managed to send two texts. When I offered to sell it for her and get at least some money back, she refused as the phone "was worth twice what I could have got for it".

thehappybutterfly

londonsurrey wrote: »

They're in an unhealthy codependent relationship. Anything you do that enables the son to continue staying there is simply enabling them.

I'm not sure how you can do it, but get her out asap. What happens when the gf gets pregnant?

She just won't see him on the street. But he would see her on the streets I suspect rather than take any responsibility. She's lonely as well. She wasn't treated very well by her husband and none of the boys had any time for her when they lived at home. Apart from my hubby - he was really good to her and they remain very close. Don't get me wrong - she wasn't mistreated. She's just of the generation where the man worked and went to the pub every night and the wife stayed at home and cooked and cleaned for the family. I'm afraid all three of my BILs took after their dad

I dread to think what would happen if gf got pregnant. :eek:

londonsurrey

From what I understand, buying from catalogues gives a temporary buzz. This is a big reason why QVC and the like do so well.

Can she be helped to find alternative outlets for her abilities (she actually sounds very competent, just lacking in direction), be it being entertained in a day centre, or visiting those in need?

londonsurrey

thehappybutterfly wrote: »

She just won't see him on the street. But he would see her on the streets I suspect rather than take any responsibility. She's lonely as well. She wasn't treated very well by her husband and none of the boys had any time for her when they lived at home. Apart from my hubby - he was really good to her and they remain very close. Don't get me wrong - she wasn't mistreated. She's just of the generation where the man worked and went to the pub every night and the wife stayed at home and cooked and cleaned for the family. I'm afraid all three of my BILs took after their dad

I dread to think what would happen if gf got pregnant. :eek:

Exactly. I meant that if the gf got pregnant, there will be no shifting the son from the property, because well, he'd play the "where would we go?" card.

meritaten

This is difficult - not least because you live in Scotland and the system is different there!
I would actually be contacting Age Concern or Social Services. this lady is a vulnerable adult and here there are procedures in place under POVA. (Protection of Vulnerable Adults).
I would be tempted to ask her if she would be happier in a one bed flat in an assisted living complex.
Oh dear - its a difficult one isn't it?
I think the first thing is to ascertain what help is available - whether your MIL meets criteria for social services help etc.
Your BIL sounds a complete arrishole btw. why not tell him that unless he gets off his arriss to help her - if MIL dies he would be on the streets cos the other brothers would sell the house ASAP?

rosiesbaps

it sounds to me that you maybe fighting a losing battle,sometimes you have to stand back and see where it all falls?i think everyone is playing on your good nature.older people do not really understand the nature of catalogues or credit cards or banks or mortgages for that matter,and the more everyone sorts it out for them the worse it gets !!!

thehappybutterfly

londonsurrey wrote: »

From what I understand, buying from catalogues gives a temporary buzz. This is a big reason why QVC and the like do so well.

Can she be helped to find alternative outlets for her abilities (she actually sounds very competent, just lacking in direction), be it being entertained in a day centre, or visiting those in need?

We've come to the same conclusion - if she occupied herself she'd have less time to spend trawling the shopping channels. She's in a social club and meets up with them once a week. She's also started spending sometime with a relative and they take bus trips here and there. She has umpteen grandchildren but the majority of them are grown up so she doesn't see them. But there is a great-grandchild on the scene and she visits them once or twice a week.

She lost her confidence when she lost her sight. She has a stick and can see where she's going but her vision is quite distorted (age related macular degeneration). She has her wee dog too. But she misses her husband even though they used to fight like cat and dog!

thehappybutterfly

meritaten wrote: »

This is difficult - not least because you live in Scotland and the system is different there!
I would actually be contacting Age Concern or Social Services. this lady is a vulnerable adult and here there are procedures in place under POVA. (Protection of Vulnerable Adults).
I would be tempted to ask her if she would be happier in a one bed flat in an assisted living complex.
Oh dear - its a difficult one isn't it?
I think the first thing is to ascertain what help is available - whether your MIL meets criteria for social services help etc.
Your BIL sounds a complete arrishole btw. why not tell him that unless he gets off his arriss to help her - if MIL dies he would be on the streets cos the other brothers would sell the house ASAP?

I'm hesitant to involve external organisations as I've fallen out with hubby's family before for interfering in things that had nothing to do with me. I can just imagine the fall out if social services got involved. She would play down the problems I think in order to save her son. And her dignity I guess.

I need to get some more info about the house - whose name it's in, what are the youngest son's rights etc.

thehappybutterfly

rosiesbaps wrote: »

it sounds to me that you maybe fighting a losing battle,sometimes you have to stand back and see where it all falls?i think everyone is playing on your good nature.older people do not really understand the nature of catalogues or credit cards or banks or mortgages for that matter,and the more everyone sorts it out for them the worse it gets !!!

I wonder how bad things have to get before someone else will step and say "enough's enough!".

I've not had a conversation with mum about her debt repayment arrangement for a while. Maybe I need to arrange for her contact to come to her house for a meeting with me present. Same with the energy people who are coming to speak to her about fuel efficiencies etc.

We all work so find it difficult to spare much time but I see her every night after work and I can get time off during the day if need be. It's very hard though when I finish work, all I want to do is get home (a 30 minute drive away). I usually have to avoid saying the word "supermarket" as she usually wants to come and she takes f-o-r-e-v-e-r to go round the shop!