What am I going to do about my mum-in-law?

thehappybutterfly

Sigh. My poor mum-in-law. Long long story ahead.

My MIL is 72 and registered blind and I believe deaf - she certainly has a hearing aid. I'm not entirely sure what benefits she's on - definitely a pension, windows' pension and some sort of disability benefit.

Her husband died about 10 years ago and she has four sons - the youngest of which lives at home. More about HIM below :mad:He's 40.

After FIL died, she was worried about what would happen to the son living at home when she died as it was a council house. Officially he never lived there as he was registered living elsewhere so she could get full benefits - yes I know. So the council would claim the house back and he would be homeless. So, one of the other sons helped her buy her house - huge discount so she got a 10 year mortgage for £17k. House is valued at about £130,000. That's where the problems began.

She fell into depression and started buying stuff to cheer herself up and accumulated thousands in debt. Son was working by this time and his wages went into her bank account as he didn't have one of his own so she controlled the money. She would give him money for his bus fares and cigarettes and also some money for nights out. But once he gets a drink in him, he can't stop so he started emptying the bank account on payday once he was !!!!ed. She got into a right old mess with bank charges etc and it was spiralling out of control. One of the other sons took her to her bank to get it sorted. Upshot was she remortgaged the house to pay off the debt. Yes, I know. Not by much - I think the mortgage by this time was up to about £20k.

And so it went on. She ended up in even more debt from catalogues etc. Son was still taking money from the account and was getting fed up working hard only for mum to spend his money on crap for the house and garden, jewelry from QVC etc. But he wouldn't take responsibility for maintaining the house, paying bills - he left her to do it all.

In the end, one of the other sons took her to see someone about what she could do about the debt as she couldn't meet the minimum payments. She ended up in a debt repayment order - not bankruptcy - this way her house was safe. We're in Scotland btw. However, she continued to buy stuff from catalogues that she hadn't cancelled so she still had debt.

Finally, son at home got totally fed up, jacked in his job and walked out and moved to the other side of Scotland - leaving her with the debt and only her pension income. He ended up coming back after a couple of weeks but he had no income for about 4 months and since then he's been on Job Seekers Allowance. Meanwhile, he met up with an old gf who is on disability too and the next thing you know, she's moved in but as far as I know their 'board' hasn't increased.

Now I've just found out that MIL is in arrears with the electric company after me sorting out a repayment agreement with them 6 months ago. They want an extra £40 a month and she just doesn't have it. She showed son the bill and his response was "Well, what do you want me to do about it?". He point blank refuses to help her. He wants nothing to do with her debt, he refuses to spend any time maintaining the house, he lies in bed all day with his gf drinking and smoking and is incredibly rude to his mum and is frankly a bully. I'm shocked at the way he speaks to her.

I phoned the utility company tonight for her and explained that she can't afford to increase her payment by so much and what were her options. They've agreed to increase the payment by only a small amount - all she says she can afford - but the problem is that the amount she's paying (which now includes two lots of arrears) doesn't even meet her monthly usage. Her only option as far as they are concerned is a prepayment meter but they're reluctant as she's classed as a vulnerable customer. She needs to get her power use under control but son refuses to change his ways - "it's her problem".

Hubby and I think she should throw son and his gf out as they are literally eating her out of house and home and pushing her into fuel poverty. I can't speak to him and hubby says it's not our problem - she's the one who has to sort him out. I think we all have a duty to help her but not while son is in the house reaping the benefits - why the hell should we subsidise him because he's too lazy to work? She gets Carer's Allowance (he's supposed to be her carer ) and he's doing the complete opposite. She does all the cooking, cleaning and shopping while he sits on his !!!! watching tv all day and night.

What would you do? I go from wanting to cry for her to wanting nothing to do with it as she's her own worst enemy

Thanks for reading and I apologise for the epic tale. I don't have parents so don't really know what to do in this family type situation. I know what I want to do but don't know that it's any of my business.

Annisele

I feel for all of you. That's a horrible situation, but as you say I think you'll struggle to do anything about it.

Have you tried contacting Age UK? It sounds possible that the son is financially abusing his mother - but OTOH the mother doesn't appear entirely blameless.

How close is your husband to his brother? It sounds as though the brother isn't happy either - and is possibly both an alcoholic and depressed - and a heart-to-heart might help there. But I think that's probably a conversation for your husband to have, if appropriate, and not you.

jayII

Could she sell the house, pay off her debts and buy a small sheltered housing/retirement flat for herself?

pigpen

She has 4 sons yet only 2 are mentioned what do the other 2 say/think? Maybe the 3 of them should kick out the younger brother and someone maybe look at power of attorney to sort out her finances as she obviously cannot do that.

The mother and youngest son sound like very similar personalities.

BitterAndTwisted

I agree with your husband. Leave her to sort it out.

thehappybutterfly

They're all very good to her and really have no time for the youngest one. He's always been trouble and troubled tbh. They've all taken turns to try and sort him out and remind him of his responsibilities and that he agreed to stay at home so he could become her carer - the other boys were all married with children, he wasn't. I can understand his frustration but she's not long for this world - she's going to worry herself into an early grave and I just know that when she goes, his life will just fall apart None of us can help financially but we take it turns to run her around, have her for tea etc.

meer53

Best option would be to sell the house. Move to a 1 bedroom property where there is no room for the son and his GF. Repay her debts.

thehappybutterfly

BitterAndTwisted wrote: »

I agree with your husband. Leave her to sort it out.

It's hard though when I go in to see her and she's in tears with grief and worry. And I'm the one who has to listen to him yelling at her. It's all I can do to not slap him.

thehappybutterfly

jayII wrote: »

Could she sell the house, pay off her debts and buy a small sheltered housing/retirement flat for herself?

pigpen wrote: »

She has 4 sons yet only 2 are mentioned what do the other 2 say/think? Maybe the 3 of them should kick out the younger brother and someone maybe look at power of attorney to sort out her finances as she obviously cannot do that.

The mother and youngest son sound like very similar personalities.

meer53 wrote: »

Best option would be to sell the house. Move to a 1 bedroom property where there is no room for the son and his GF. Repay her debts.

This is what I think too. I suggested this to her a while back and tried to get her to see that she's be happier in sheltered housing, she could get to know some of the residents (she probably already knows half of them!) - she'd have a social life and some care but her own privacy. But she's attached to the house as that's where her husband died. It's only bricks and mortar though - he's still alive in our hearts.

rosiesbaps

i agree with Annisele i think you should contact age concern,this is a kind of elder abuse. your mum in law being blind and deaf is not going to manage on her own either. i would say a prepayment meter if she could see because this is the only way the utility company will get off her back.i think your very good for caring but the only way is for one trustworthy person to be dealing with all her finances

thehappybutterfly

Annisele wrote: »

I feel for all of you. That's a horrible situation, but as you say I think you'll struggle to do anything about it.

Have you tried contacting Age UK? It sounds possible that the son is financially abusing his mother - but OTOH the mother doesn't appear entirely blameless.

How close is your husband to his brother? It sounds as though the brother isn't happy either - and is possibly both an alcoholic and depressed - and a heart-to-heart might help there. But I think that's probably a conversation for your husband to have, if appropriate, and not you.

You read about these stories in the paper and you get outraged and say "no family member of mine would go through this" but then it happens to your own.

My problem is that I get very vocal about wrong doings but my hubby, and the other boys, believe in staying out of things that don't concern them. But this does. This is their mum.

It's very possible youngest son has problems but he's lovely and helpful to other people - just not his mum. I hoped when his gf moved in that she would be an influence on him and to start with she was but it didn't last long.