Gift Appreciation

londonsurrey

I am inclined to agree with BrightonBelle.

I was with my late husband for 19 years. One of my ex-SILs was very meticulous about sending thank you letters and cards.

And after I was widowed, she continued to send letters and cards, all with the same pretty words about family and support. Yet all the while knowing that she and her husband had promised me lots of help, and that her husband's last words to me about something that needed doing urgently were "I'll be in touch", and hugged me, and I thanked him gratefully. She even emailed after that, saying "Peter will be in touch".

And the pretty cards continue. It's over two years now, since he said he'd be in touch. And the pretty words continue.

You know what? I'd prefer that there were never any pretty words, two decades worth of meaningless words. I'd prefer that that there hadn't been any empty words of help, only to be let down over and over again, at the worst point in my life.

Anyhow, back to the point. Pretty words and manners are nice, but the true friend is simply there when you need them, even if they simply grunt at you as they commence actually helping you.

anniemf2508

londonsurrey wrote: »

Anyhow, back to the point. Pretty words and manners are nice, but the true friend is simply there when you need them, even if they simply grunt at you as they commence actually helping you.

i have always been there tho.....through thick and thin for 22 years, being at the other end of the phone, offering her a roof over her head, a sounding board whenever she needed it. Its just the last year has been incredibly difficult for me and my family culminating in agoraphobia and other things. So i think a few kind words would have been nice.

Marshflower

Been thinking about this a bit and I'll be honest -
When I had my daughter, I was almost suicidal and crippled with depression for the first few months. If you'd have asked any of my facebook friends if I was ok, they'd have said I was fine I'm sure as I was uploading loads of pics of DD and chatting etc. I wasn't fine. Facebook is easy to use for interaction as it's remote.
I know OP you have had two kids but you can never gaurantee what another mum's experience is going to be like.
The fact you two are very good friends but she's not responding to you is actually a bit worrying.
I think you should message her and ask her if she is ok.
If it is, like you seem to assume, that she is just being a cow then learn from this and move on but as you are a good friend, maybe it's worth just checking? For her sake and for yours as then you have covered all bases.

Marshflower

anniemf2508 wrote: »

i have always been there tho.....through thick and thin for 22 years, being at the other end of the phone, offering her a roof over her head, a sounding board whenever she needed it. Its just the last year has been incredibly difficult for me and my family culminating in agoraphobia and other things. So i think a few kind words would have been nice.

Then I'll say it once again - why are you so determined to think the worst of her???
If you have been this close then why are you thinking of how hurt you are and not worried that she's just had a major life upheaval and that this is out of character for her?
Maybe you are right and she's just being a cow but if you've really been through that much, do you not owe it to your friendship to maybe leave the assumption that she's blanking you to be the last resort???

londonsurrey

anniemf2508 wrote: »

i have always been there tho.....through thick and thin for 22 years, being at the other end of the phone, offering her a roof over her head, a sounding board whenever she needed it. Its just the last year has been incredibly difficult for me and my family culminating in agoraphobia and other things. So i think a few kind words would have been nice.

Yes, I'm not disputing that the pretty words would have been in order and nice to have.

Are there two separate issues here?
The first is that your friend hasn't exhibited the best society manners, but having the baby unfortunately does give her an excuse. I must emphasize that it's an "out" for this one occasion, in isolation.

The second issue is addressing your needs. Is it this one incident that has upset you, or is there a cumulation of other niggling incidents that you haven't verbalised, that makes you feel that your friend doesn't generally reciprocate the consideration you show her?

Brighton_belle

Marshflower wrote: »

The fact you two are very good friends but she's not responding to you is actually a bit worrying.

I'm not clear that they are 'good' friends, from the OP's latest post, merely that they have know each other a long time and the Op feels they have supported this person through thick and thin. Longevity doesn't equal mutually good friends.

OP has this friendship been one were this friend has been reciprocal in her level of support to you over the years? Is this lack of response out of character or not a suprise.
If out of character, I think it fair to say she is overwhelmed by just having had her first child.
I'm sorry you have had a rough time, and yes, at times like these a few kind words can be soothing (though not if accompanied by broken promises of practical support). It may be you have just chosen a bad time to want more from her if she is struggling with her first baby or you are being unrealistic if this isn't actually anything different and the friendship has always been more give than receive.

pollypenny

My DIL has never thanked me for anything , even when she asked me to try to find onesies with feet which were big enough forGDS or for the Aran sweater I knitted him.

Really fed up now. A thank you doesn't take long. However, in OPs case, I'd want to check that it was delivered.

Marshflower

Brighton_belle wrote: »

Longevity doesn't equal mutually good friends.
QUOTE]

Brighton_belle wrote: »

It may be you have just chosen a bad time to want more from her if she is struggling with her first baby or you are being unrealistic if this isn't actually anything different and the friendship has always been more give than receive.

Both good points well made and show possibly incorrect assumptions that I have made in my posts.

Brighton_belle

Marshflower wrote: »

Brighton_belle wrote: »

Longevity doesn't equal mutually good friends.
QUOTE]




Both good points well made and show possibly incorrect assumptions that I have made in my posts.

Not unreasonable assumptions they may be good friends; it just isn't clear from what has been written. Having been on MSE for a while now, I have become aware that my standards of what I call friendship are not automatically the same for others.

anniemf2508

I said oldest but i guess that could be called as "best friend" too....she was witness at my wedding, i was witness at hers. Her parents are like my second parents.
I know i'm not faultless in communicating with her and i know after having a baby can be extremely testing (i had Pnd after my second) but this does feel like a real personal insult. And yes i know i may well be reading too much into it, but when you make an effort to do something nice and it seems like its just been thrown back in my face its hard not to take it personally.