Treat them all the same or help the one who needs the most help

Counting_Pennies_2

silvercar wrote: »

We paid for second child to go to a private secondary school. Elder had got a place at the free local grammar school and we felt the only way to give the second the opportunity of a very decent education was to go private. We looked at state and private for both of them for secondary school and both went to the one that suited them best. At no time did we, or they, consider that one was getting a financial better deal.

This is the one area I would not see it being money. So I would not see it being unequal.

Essentially the private education is to get to the level of the Grammar Education. So would not see one child has missed out at all. You are giving them an equal chance at life through the education they are having

tara747

Nottoobadyet wrote: »

I'm sibling 1 in my family. I paid for everything from 16 (including uni fees) or so on, my sister at 24 is still living at home rent free and had uni paid for. I was very poor during university (certainly did go without) and right after, but since then have been lucky enough to enjoy steady employment. My parents weren't great at financial planning and are now just eeking by, so probably wont be in a place to help me with any eventual mortgage, wedding etc.

I'm not bitter about it, at the end of the day Im still the one with much more financial security, income and a more rewarding job.

Why did your parents pay your sister's fees and not yours?

BTW, I don't get this expectation that parents will help with deposits, weddings etc. And a mortgage?? What, as in pay part of it every month? As you say, you are doing well and your parents are not rolling in money. Why would you expect help with those things?

When did we all develop such a sense of entitlement???

notanewuser wrote: »

My parents have always striven to treat us equally wherever possible, be it money, time, opportunities etc. That's what I grew up with. They still do, even though we're now in our 30s.

DH's parents have never done this with their 4. Son 2 is the clear favourite, so he and his family get money, time, gifts etc, despite being almost as successful as the 1st born. 3rd has had a lot of debt over the years and so doesn't get money but does get whatever time is left over, and the 4th is the ultimate disappointment so gets sod all. Brother 2 loans money to 3 and 4 all the time because he has had so much over the years he hasn't spent his own!! I absolutely can't get my head around it all.

May I ask which brother is your OH? I'm guessing #1.

notanewuser

tara747 wrote: »

May I ask which brother is your OH? I'm guessing #1.

Yes, he was the first.

tara747

notanewuser wrote: »

Yes, he was the first.

It's a shame that his parents seem to favour #2, and to treat the others differently.

My MIL definitely prefers my SIL to OH and BIL, but I can't stand her anyway so don't care, If OH were her favourite I'd have to put up with her more often!

notanewuser

tara747 wrote: »

It's a shame that his parents seem to favour #2, and to treat the others differently.

My MIL definitely prefers my SIL to OH and BIL, but I can't stand her anyway so don't care, If OH were her favourite I'd have to put up with her more often!

Well, there is that.

OH's upbringing was much much stricter than the others. He was pushed to do better at everything. 99/100 wasn't good enough.

They relaxed more with each child until number 4, who was allowed to stay off school with fake illnesses and not really achieve anything. He was written off, but guess guilt must finally have settled in as he's just been bought a £6000 car because they have a baby on the way.

GlasweJen

There's 5 of us so if we were "treated equally" my parents would be bankrupt!

We get the help we need, when I moved my dad took a day off work to move my stuff and help me settle, my brother got a trip to ikea because his flat wasn't furnished.

Big sister regularly gets shopping handed in, as does little brother (sisters husband is away and there's sometimes delays waiting on money, little brother is a student).

Big sister and little sister both got their full wedding paid for, me and big brother got a contribution - sisters both got married in UK and let mum invite the masses but I'm going abroad and brother is having small wedding and not letting mum invite 100 people.

None of us resents the others for anything, we all get the same amount of love.

kettlefish

Treat them fairly, not equally, as others have said.

Chances are the siblings love each other and want to see each other settled and looked after. I hope my mum and dad will help my brothers out with a deposit on their first homes if they want to: I'd hate to think that because I didn't need such help, they were worried I'd feel resentful or left out! I don't need the money and wouldn't feel comfortable taking it.

These things tend to even out in time anyway - we had our wedding reception paid for, brother may need help with a first car or house. Mum watches my DD for a couple of hours a week: brother sometimes has his train fare home paid for. Families are a co-dependent ecosystem who help each other as needed.

Lozzy88

I am the youngest of 7, I think that we have each been helped out as and when its been needed.

If my mam would book a family holiday and my sister that lived in scotland with her husband and 2 kids couldn't get the time off to come then my parents would replace anythink big that was broke or braking, I.e sofa, fridge, washer.

Now we are all older with our own kids she helps each of us out as and when needed, sometimes its something little, sometimes its something big.

I think we are very luck and would love to be in a good position to help my kids out one day too.

mumps

I have four and help as appropriate. I don't feel the need to explain to No2 when No1 has had a cheque and if asked would still feel no need to explain what I do with my money. I don't think you could work out if I have given them all equal help, circumstances just change too much with a twenty year age gap. An example is uni fees, my older two didn't pay them, I paid them for the younger two so you could argue I gave the younger two about £10k more than the older two or you could say I just evened things up.

I give money, I give practical help, unpaid childcare springs to mind, help with house moves etc. Funnily enough the ones with no children get no help with childcare, should I offer them a sum of money to the value of childcare given? The one who is divorced gets more help with their children as they need it, should that be costed as well. Not everything can fit on a spreadsheet.