Treat them all the same or help the one who needs the most help

Lil_Me_2

It's very hard for me not to resent my sister for effectively being rewarded for her poor life decisions. She makes no effort to live within her means, as she knows she'll get bailed out by my parents. She's been supported with furniture, white goods etc to move out 3 times now, each time she yo-yos back into my parents house to stay for a year or so with free rent and board.

She only needs the support because she's lazy and spends money she doesn't have on rubbish. Alas, she has a child who couldn't possibly go without having an in car DVD player, a blackberry playbook and an ipad at 3 years old.

I'm grateful to not need my parents support, but I have made significant sacrifices to my desired standard of living (i.e still sharing a house with my ex) and I do feel jealous that my sister has a better lifestyle than I do because my parents support her.

CH27

This thread makes me thankful I only have one child.

pigpen

*max* wrote: »

Nice. So no help with rent/mortgage if they fall on hard times and need a couple of months to tide them over? No help if they are short a few bobs for a training course? I guess I see your point in your case. With so many kids, creating a precedent could become costly I suppose.

Did you miss the 'I will buy them the things they need but not give cash'????

I have bought my son a new cooker so he can feed his 9 month old baby and himself and his gf.. delivered this morning actually. I paid the deposit on his flat and the first 2 months rent. He came round the other day he was wearing a hat a friend gave him and shoes from his gf's dad who has had both legs amputated and I had bought every other item he was wearing, includig his undies!. I bought him tops for work.. I pay his phone bill every month so if he needs anything he can get in touch.... but I will not ever ever hand over cash.. I want to know it is used on what it is given for so I pay.. I will absolutely not provide money so he can smoke or drink or go out... that is just 1 of my 10 so don't be so selective in what you read nor make assumptions as to what I can or do provide for my children.

Kildare

I think it all depends on the circumstances - my parents have always gone by the 'we'll do the same for you when the time comes' method

E.g. when I bought my first place they wanted to buy me a cooker and helped me find a second hand sofa. At the time my brother was still living at home and didn't make sense to just sense to just hand him money for no reason. So when he did move out into a rented flat they helped him with furnishings / white goods as they wanted to help us both get started in our own homes.

Another example, my brother's wedding plans got a little out of hand (due to brides mother, another story ) so they helped him with £4000. At the time I didn't want or need any money and I didn't feel it was unfair on me but unfair on my parents that they had to be heavily invested when that wasn't original plan. That said two years later when I was getting married my Dad gave me a cheque for the same amount which I tried to turn down as I didn't need it and he said he wanted us to have the same for our wedding, and if it didn't go on our wedding I was to save it for when we decided to move.

I don't think its necessarily about giving siblings the exact same money at the exact same moment in time, its about treating them fairly if their life stages e.g. if one is staying on in education they may need financial support, perhaps the other is employed and doesn't need that help, but might need some items for their first home and in some times one may need more help than the other due to redundency, ill health etc.

valk_scot

My mum helped us out when we were in a very bad financial position due to one of our children being very, very ill and my OH getting too unwell with stress and depression to be able to work. I don't know how we'd have managed otherwise tbh, I didn't have a job either, was pregnant and a toddler to look after as well as the sick one and an OH who was a walking zombie most days. So Mum came up with enough money to keep us afloat for a year. She did it will the full knowledge and agreement of my sibling, who was financially very comfortable, and we all agreed the loan didn't need repaid but things would be balanced out when my mother eventually died. Which is what happened. No-one lost out in the end, my sibling didn't feel left out and I got the help when it was needed.

an9i77

notanewuser wrote: »

Bit like the benefit system then.

That's what I was thinking. We're trying to get our son into nursery school and priority goes to those on welfare / where social services have been involved with the family etc (it also goes to those with disabilities etc but I don't have a problem with that) so it is like a penalty for doing ok.

pigpen

an9i77 wrote: »

That's what I was thinking. We're trying to get our son into nursery school and priority goes to those on welfare / where social services have been involved with the family etc (it also goes to those with disabilities etc but I don't have a problem with that) so it is like a penalty for doing ok.

That is the same right through the compulsory education system.. then they leave school and can't get into uni because they don't have the money.

Mojisola

Dreaming_always wrote: »

You have two+ children, one child is doing exceptionally well for themselves and doesn't need the financial help, all through hard work and determination.

Second child is not doing so well and would appreciate the extra money.

Would you give money to them both or just the second child.

It's got to depend on the details. If the second child isn't doing so well because of, say, health problems, then I would help out disproportionally. I would hope that the other child would accept that.

If the second child is just lazy or has made positive decisions which result in a lower income, that's his/her choice and he/she would have to live by it. In an emergency, I would help out but it would have to be seen as something that wouldn't be endlessly repeated.

System

Dreaming_always wrote: »

You have two+ children, one child is doing exceptionally well for themselves and doesn't need the financial help, all through hard work and determination.

Second child is not doing so well and would appreciate the extra money.

Would you give money to them both or just the second child.

I'm one of 5 kids (stepfamily), all in our 40's now. Parents have been very generous over the years, the other 4 have all had help with mortgage deposits, and my dad's still got a £50k share in a loss-making business with one of the others. I had a bit of help in times of unemployment and poverty in my younger days.

Whether it evens out or not is 100% unimportant - I'd be amazed if any of us ever felt jealous or resentful about what the others do or don't get. It's like a child complaining that the other one got a bigger slice of cake at teatime!

It's their money, if they want to blow it on Saga cruises or give it all to their favourite grandkid it's up to them

Dreaming_always

I think that some of the last few posters have hit the nail on the head, in some cases it is almost like poor decisions are being rewarded, I am one of three we have all been treated differently due to different needs and wants at different periods of our lives, our parents have helped us out at university and with our families albeit us doing each stage at a different time due to our ages,but I would never begrudge my siblings for the help they may have received and vice versa.