Treat them all the same or help the one who needs the most help

meritaten

Dreaming_always wrote: »

Meritaten- did your other children ever feel resentment towards the child getting help, I've said this as well to my partner that whatever we do /provide for child number one or how we treated grandchildren, they should all be treated the same and get the same provisions if financially possible of course.

I would say that on balance the other two know that if they need help the first stop is 'Mum and Dad'. Sometimes one will need help more than the other two - but which one can depend on circumstance. They are all loved equally - but, right now and for most of his life the youngest one has needed more help (physical and mental health issues) and as the other two get older and have their own families they understand the issues better.
and both the others have often been surprised with gifts of money to pay for something (such as needing a new fridge or microwave or a holiday). This goes a long way towards leavening resentment.
Yes, there has been some resentment at times - but nothing major and mostly they do understand.

74jax

I have been in the situation where my parents have helped me out and also they have helped my brother out.

Maybe it's how we have been brought up, but we never questioned it. I certainly never said 'dad you just bought B a car, what about me'?

Sometimes myself and my brother has helped each other out also.

Dreaming_always

meritaten wrote: »

I would say that on balance the other two know that if they need help the first stop is 'Mum and Dad'. Sometimes one will need help more than the other two - but which one can depend on circumstance. They are all loved equally - but, right now and for most of his life the youngest one has needed more help (physical and mental health issues) and as the other two get older and have their own families they understand the issues better.
Yes, there has been some resentment at times - but nothing major and mostly they do understand.

I guess that's very true at the end of the day all they need to know is we both love them till the end of the earth and back and would do anything for them, sad to think that money spent - equates to love.

Waffle_On

I would "give" equally, or "loan" as needed.

mummyroysof3

I think it's a case of not making it even to the penny but reconising that they are individuals and may need support and help at different times

pigpen

I wouldn't give any of my children money.. I wouldn't see them go without, I would buy them the things they needed if I could afford to but they wouldn't get a penny.

fluffnutter

Treating people fairly is not necessarily the same as treating them equally.

Counting_Pennies_2

Equality all the time.

That does not mean the money needs to go directly to the other sibling now.

It can sit in a separate bank account that you will allocate to the other child so you won't feel tempted to touch it. When they are in a position to receive it, might be birth of a child, or private treatment for a hospital, you will be there to stump up immediately.

If the other sibling finds out about it, be ready to show that you have already thought of it and it is set aside for them.

Money can be a dreadful evil if dealt with in a wrong way, but a lovely gift if sensitively done.

I have had experience personally and known of it in my DH family of money not being treated equally and it gets under the skin and eats away when done badly.

hth

Counting_Pennies_2

Dreaming_always wrote: »

I guess that's very true at the end of the day all they need to know is we both love them till the end of the earth and back and would do anything for them, sad to think that money spent - equates to love.

that is just it, love is demonstrated in many ways, and the giving of something huge is part of that demonstration. Sadly money is a massive thing in our lives, so this does come under the demonstration of love!

*max*

pigpen wrote: »

I wouldn't give any of my children money.. I wouldn't see them go without, I would buy them the things they needed if I could afford to but they wouldn't get a penny.

Nice. So no help with rent/mortgage if they fall on hard times and need a couple of months to tide them over? No help if they are short a few bobs for a training course? I guess I see your point in your case. With so many kids, creating a precedent could become costly I suppose.