Money/relationship problem

BitterAndTwisted

The only way to reconcile is to compromise.

Am I alone in thinking a civil partnership celebration costing TEN THOUSAND POUNDS is very slightly over-the-top?

Funky_Bold_Ribena

How about saying - the wedding will cost about £10k - so if I paid that then that makes us quits on the deposit and you ditch the deed and we are quits and start off life as a partnership?

And then spend £2k on the wedding and save the rest

Errata

I guess the problem we have isn't about a specific bit of money for the wedding, or for the house. It's how do you reconcile two different financial outlooks on life, within a relationship?

Is your partner aware of your level of debt? If they are and think spending £10k on a wedding is a good plan, then I would guess your financial outlooks are reasonably similar.

Sommer43

legogingerninja wrote: »

Sorry, I should have clarified - we will be having a civil partnership, not a wedding, and I don't think these have an impact upon Deeds of Trust. Unless someone knows any better?

I had absolutely no problem with the Deed of Trust when it was drawn up, and have agreed it can stay in place once we tie the knot. As I said, her money (roughly £10k Funky Bold Ribena, great name BTW!) enabled me to buy a house when I could otherwise not have got one. I do appreciate that.

Personally, I do agree with michelle2008 - a partnership for life should be about helping each other through the lean times and sharing in the good times. We have had a number of honest discussions about this but we just seem to disagree fundamentally. However, I am madly in love and can't imagine my life without her.

To be honest, when my parents offered the cash I always assumed I would be sharing it, and perhaps I am thinking up this suggestion as an idle threat to make my point? Maybe not my finest hour, I admit.

I guess the problem we have isn't about a specific bit of money for the wedding, or for the house. It's how do you reconcile two different financial outlooks on life, within a relationship?

Now that's more the problem.

My husband and I do have very different outlooks on finances. He refuses to negotiate on many areas of finance, such as credit cards, where I am the stoozer, the money marketer and I play with money quite a lot. Hubby is very black and white and steady, I am the risk taker and a bit racy. Which is why I decided to avoid dust-ups, that we should just split the bills 50/50 and keep our own money. I do the shopping and because it is the two of us, our food bill is relatively the same and as I am the earner, I pay for food. If my husband wants something else food wise, he will go and buy it himself. He's a massive meat eater, so he goes to the butchers, I can take or leave meat and prefer fish.

We have a holiday account, where we book well in advance. And then we both pay into the account before the 8 week deadline. If there is not enough money in there, then we will use the credit card. I do manage my husband's money along with my own, because he's rubbish at admin. But I accept his views on finances and he accepts mine and somehow we manage to make it through. If she wants to keep her own money and you want to merge, you both have some negotiating to do with each other. After my first marriage where my husband was a spender I vowed I would never join finances again. My husband owns his home, therefore we have no mortgage, but we have both agreed that if he dies before I will, the house will pass to his son and I am allowed to live in it till I die or choose to move somewhere smaller. His son is happy with that. I will pay a nominal rent to his son. I paid nothing into the house and the furnishings which I have contributed I can either sell or save for new ones. But it is my home and I have been catered for in the event of my husband's death before me.

Different financial outlooks are not uncommon. My husband is happy for me to manage his affairs, he looks each morning what he has in the bank and asks me any questions if he's unsure and we have managed to keep the peace. Neither of us are resentful of the other's way. If you're feeling resentful, then you will have to address this.

Sommer43

Funky_Bold_Ribena wrote: »

How about saying - the wedding will cost about £10k - so if I paid that then that makes us quits on the deposit and you ditch the deed and we are quits and start off life as a partnership?

And then spend £2k on the wedding and save the rest

That's the sort of thing I would attempt. :rotfl: Always wheeling and dealing, I am.

getmore4less

londonsurrey wrote: »

If the contract is worded so that she only gets the full amount of the deposit back, then it's actually a more generous sharing than might appear at first glance.

For instance, my house has tripled in value over 15 years. Say it cost £100k, and is now worth £300k, and that the mortgage was fully paid up.

If my husband had put in a £10k deposit in the beginning, and only wanted the 10k back, before a 50-50 split in the equity, then disregarding the equity, he would only be getting
- no interest for 15 years for the £10k
- having once had a 10% deposit for a house like this, he only gets effectively a 3.3% deposit for a house like this. His investment has depreciated massively!

BTW I'm a widow, and it's all mine, mine, mine, (and the bank's) so all this is purely for illustrative purposes.

It equivilent to an interest free loan of !/2 the money to the one without the deposit.

fine when prices go up but protects the deposit from price falls so not ll a one way sure thing.



OP

ask your parents is it £5k to you or both of you.

DUTR

BitterAndTwisted wrote: »

It's called a Deed of Trust, and is a very sensible decision where two partners contribute different amounts. Once you have been married for over two years that Deed will become completely irrelevant.

To expect her to cough up the whole £5k "shortfall" on your wedding-spends smack of pettiness to the nth degree to me. This is surely not the way to begin a marriage, or it will surely fail.


How about the total budget being a far more sensible £5k? Ten grand is a VAST amount to spend on a wedding.

Not so sure it does nowadays, when I wa smuch younger my '1st' GF got married to some guy who paid the deposit on their house, over 10 years later when they divorced, he had his deposit back before any equity was then shared.

Funky_Bold_Ribena

Sommer43 wrote: »

That's the sort of thing I would attempt. :rotfl: Always wheeling and dealing, I am.

Me too.
....

piglet74

I think that either you only spend the 5k that your parents are giving you on the wedding

Or you spead 10k, using your parents 5k, and 2.5k from you, and 2.5k from your gf... And the arrangement for the house stands.

Mojisola

legogingerninja wrote: »

Now I recently proposed, she said yes, and we've set a date for next summer. However, she is not happy about the idea of us merging our finances (she earns slightly more than me, and enjoys spending it on herself) and also wants the mortgage agreement to stay in place.

How can you go through a ceremony that makes you life partners without viewing the money coming into the household as joint money for the benefit of both of you?

If I earned more than my partner, I couldn't spend the excess on myself, knowing that he didn't have similar money. That's how I'd behave with a flat-sharer, not a life partner who I loved!