Money/relationship problem

legogingerninja

Hi, I'm after a bit of advice -

I live with my partner and although we've been together for 10 years, we keep our finances separate. We split all bills 50/50, etc.

About three years ago we bought our first house and as she had some money set aside (which she had recently inherited) and I didn't, she paid the whole deposit.

She got our lawyer to write something into the mortgage contract meaning if we broke up,and sold the house, she would get the full deposit back. I was fine with that as I was just happy to be getting onto the housing ladder!

Now I recently proposed, she said yes, and we've set a date for next summer. However, she is not happy about the idea of us merging our finances (she earns slightly more than me, and enjoys spending it on herself) and also wants the mortgage agreement to stay in place.

I was a bit surprised by that to be honest, I think it sounds a bit too much like a pre-nup, and I dislike the idea of those. But I respect her wishes and I have agreed if that's the way she wants our marriage to work, it's ok by me.

Now, my parents have said they will put £5k towards the wedding, and hers are not contributing anything. They are aware of how much my parents are putting forward, but what can you do? I certainly wouldn't expect money from them.

Our wedding is likely to cost around £10k. Would it be reasonable or unreasonable to ask my partner to pay the remaining £5k on her own?

Can anyone offer me any advice? My thinking is, her family's inheritance was all hers when it came along, not ours, so why should my parents' gift be any different?

BitterAndTwisted

It's called a Deed of Trust, and is a very sensible decision where two partners contribute different amounts. Once you have been married for over two years that Deed will become completely irrelevant.

To expect her to cough up the whole £5k "shortfall" on your wedding-spends smack of pettiness to the nth degree to me. This is surely not the way to begin a marriage, or it will surely fail.


How about the total budget being a far more sensible £5k? Ten grand is a VAST amount to spend on a wedding.

Errata

Tell your parents - thanks for the £5k offer but I'll stand on my own two feet. Which appears to be what you think your GF should do.

Sommer43

Oh dear.

Your parents have chosen to donate to your wedding. Therefore, how that money is distributed is something you both decide on. Very nice gesture on behalf of your parents, how lovely of them.

You were happy with the initial mortgage agreement. I think only fair that your wife-to-be protects herself. As you pay 50% of the mortgage, then you have an idea of what you have paid into the property should it ever come to a split. You were able to have the asset because she contributed the deposit, the equity in the property would be 50/50. That would mean she gets her initial deposit back and the remaining equity would be split on a 50/50 basis. You were aware of this at the time of buying the house.

She earns more than you do. She likes to spend on herself, what do you with your spare money? Do you spend it on you? Or don't you have any?

I think she's being careful with her money and protecting herself, I see nothing wrong with this. But the remaining 5k for the wedding, then surely you have discussed with her how the balance of 5k will be paid?

I see nothing wrong with separate finances in a marriage, as long as the bills are paid. But she's not totally responsible for the remainder of the 5K for the wedding.

Funky_Bold_Ribena

How much was the deposit?

michelle2008

While I have no problems with your gf protecting her financial interest in the house - I think you both need to pause and have a very frank discussion about money.

Are you planning on having kids - how will she cope on maternity pay - will you still both split bills 50/50? What about if one of you gets sick and can't work?

I see no problem in being very clear on money - but there has to be some generosity between you and some sense that you are in it together.

On the wedding - surely your parents gave the gift o you both - it does seem a little mean that mummy & daddy pay your half while she has to stump up hers?

londonsurrey

If the contract is worded so that she only gets the full amount of the deposit back, then it's actually a more generous sharing than might appear at first glance.

For instance, my house has tripled in value over 15 years. Say it cost £100k, and is now worth £300k, and that the mortgage was fully paid up.

If my husband had put in a £10k deposit in the beginning, and only wanted the 10k back, before a 50-50 split in the equity, then disregarding the equity, he would only be getting
- no interest for 15 years for the £10k
- having once had a 10% deposit for a house like this, he only gets effectively a 3.3% deposit for a house like this. His investment has depreciated massively!

BTW I'm a widow, and it's all mine, mine, mine, (and the bank's) so all this is purely for illustrative purposes.

londonsurrey

Before trying to think up ways of how to manage this, do you know your partner's view on these issues, i.e. how significant cash gifts from your parents should be handled, and how finances are to be structured in the event of children or incapacity?

Sommer43

londonsurrey wrote: »

If the contract is worded so that she only gets the full amount of the deposit back, then it's actually a more generous sharing than might appear at first glance.

For instance, my house has tripled in value over 15 years. Say it cost £100k, and is now worth £300k, and that the mortgage was fully paid up.

If my husband had put in a £10k deposit in the beginning, and only wanted the 10k back, before a 50-50 split in the equity, then disregarding the equity, he would only be getting
- no interest for 15 years for the £10k
- having once had a 10% deposit for a house like this, he only gets effectively a 3.3% deposit for a house like this. His investment has depreciated massively!

BTW I'm a widow, and it's all mine, mine, mine, (and the bank's) so all this is purely for illustrative purposes.

It's a very good point you've made there. It will be down to the wording on the deed of trust. OP has stated that the original deposit would be paid back. That's my understanding of what he's said. But, I am wondering if he really knows what he's agreed to as he was so grateful to get onto the housing ladder...

Good post Marples.

legogingerninja

Sorry, I should have clarified - we will be having a civil partnership, not a wedding, and I don't think these have an impact upon Deeds of Trust. Unless someone knows any better?

I had absolutely no problem with the Deed of Trust when it was drawn up, and have agreed it can stay in place once we tie the knot. As I said, her money (roughly £10k Funky Bold Ribena, great name BTW!) enabled me to buy a house when I could otherwise not have got one. I do appreciate that.

Personally, I do agree with michelle2008 - a partnership for life should be about helping each other through the lean times and sharing in the good times. We have had a number of honest discussions about this but we just seem to disagree fundamentally. However, I am madly in love and can't imagine my life without her.

To be honest, when my parents offered the cash I always assumed I would be sharing it, and perhaps I am thinking up this suggestion as an idle threat to make my point? Maybe not my finest hour, I admit.

I guess the problem we have isn't about a specific bit of money for the wedding, or for the house. It's how do you reconcile two different financial outlooks on life, within a relationship?

ukjoel

I would do the following.

Tell your parents that you appreciate the gift but you would prefer they didn't contribute towards wedding.

She made you sign the agreement on house 7 years into your relationship. Therefore why only 3 years later should you treat her so differently.

Her reasons may have been fair but she is covering her backside (and maybe her parents asked her to do this if the money was an inheritance or they gave her this money.)

Thats sensible and I understand it (as do you) but at the end of the day 5k is 5k and saying her 5k (and it maybe more) is a deposit for a house (and must be protected) while your 5k is a deposit for a wedding and shouldnt be protected stinks of double standards.

If you want to be ultrafair as or a change in deed of trust that allows you the first 5k of the deposit back and her the rest of the deposit.

Some people will say if you love each other you dont need this but you never know what will change after 30 years.