Someone else's twins.

Spacker

Seems whenever I have a big problem I run over to money saving expert to search for advice! Firstly, apologies - this might be a bit of a long story but I'd like to paint an accurate picture of the situation.

Quite a few years ago I sold up and went to work in Egypt as a diving instructor. Due to the tourist climate and my technical diving qualification there wasn't much work around so after a year or so I returned back to the UK and moved in with parents. I've been doing the odd IT contract since and due to low expenses playing around with hobbies.

In late 2007 a step uncle's very casual 'girlfriend' gave birth to twins. He is a drug user, no real home etc. The mother is being treated for schizophrenia among other issues. The baby boy was very sickly and after a week or two in hospital, with their permission, my parents took him in. Over the next two years my parents and myself spent many nights at A&E and private doctors with him. Now aged five he still has a bit of asthma, prone to vomiting but otherwise very healthy and active. If he'd gone home with the mother he'd not have survived.

The girl, the dominant twin(?) was very healthy and it was thought the mother was capable of looking after her. The mother had 'episodes', the girl was left alone in the the flat for periods of time, rarely bathed if ever and hardly picked up. The mother described how she'd find herself walking along the Thames at 3am because the voices in her head told her to. Eventually the mothers psychiatrist and social services asked us to look after the girl, now three, 'until further notice'. We happily took her in as we were worried about her. We found her with horrible open sores from sitting in the same nappy for perhaps days. She was like a plank of wood when you picked her up having not been used to being cuddled. She would panic when people came in and didn't take their coats off as she thought they would leave the house without her. She screamed murder when we gave her her first bath and washed her hair, she continued to scream uncontrollably in the bath for about a month, terrified of the water. Today, she loves bath time and is only upset when she has to get out! Shortly after we took her in, her mother was evicted from her flat as it was deemed 'unfit for human habitation'.

Both kids, now aged five have their own bedrooms, a garage full of toys and a playhouse in the garden with slide and swings. I feed them, take them to school (great school, much, much better than the one I went too!), after school activities read them stories at bedtime - I treat them like the kids I never had. I'd give my life for them if I had to.

The father, the alcoholic drug user used to turn up once a week or so to sleep in a spare room when he'd run out of his weeks money. He does nothing for his kids, doesn't take them anywhere, play with them or buy them presents or food. We receive nothing from their parents or social services to look after them - every penny comes out of our own pocket and I'm fine with that (I can hear moneysavingexperts ripping their hair out over this!). The kids welfare is more important than money.

My problem is that the we have no legal custody of the children. We let the father come and go as he wants for the kids sake, he's threatened to take them away more than once and that would not be in their best interest. What do I do?


Apologies for the long story but I'd appreciate any advice.

skintchick

I don't know but I want to say what an amazing thing you have done. Incredible and inspiring.

Icequeen99

I would get some legal advice. You have done something wonderful, but after such a long time I would be worried about the impact on the children if their parents took them back (and on you as well) so would want something formal and legal to make sure I knew I had legal rights.

IQ

fannyadams

firstly that's AMAZING what you and your family have done for the little ones.
I thinking couldn't you (your parents) apply to adopt them legally? It sounds like you might have a case given the parent's circumstances...
You (your parents) are already informally fostering them (perhaps you need to have some kind of visit from scoial services to formally arrange this...) can you call the NSPCC to see what their take is on this situation. they might be able to give you some idea of how to proceed with this.
call me nosey but...who gets the Child Benefit for these children, by the way? and does/can anyone claim tax credits for this situation?
again I think it is brilliant that you have come so far with these kids and made them into the amazing children that they have the potential to become.
FA
x

Mojisola

Spacker wrote: »

We receive nothing from their parents or social services to look after them - every penny comes out of our own pocket and I'm fine with that (I can hear moneysavingexperts ripping their hair out over this!). The kids welfare is more important than money.

Not even Child Benefit? That's very straightforward to apply for.

julie2710

Poor little mites but what you have done and continue to do is fantastic.

I would reiterate what other posters have said and look into legally adopting the children. You mentioned that the father sometimes turns up although doesn't sound as though he does that for the benefit of the children. Does the children's mother have any contact?

I really think they are in the best place but things don't always go the way they should so the sooner you act to secure their futures the better for everyone really. It sounds as though you would have support from social services as they placed the girl with you in the first place. Maybe contact them too about your legal standing?

Good luck

Spacker

Thanks for the nice comments guys. Appreciated but, well how could someone not take them in?

To clarify the tax credits, child benefit etc - we claim and receive nothing (edit should clarify this - we neither claim, nor receive) . The mother receives everything at the moment. I've been trying to push things so that mother pays the benefits into a bank account for the kids so that they'll have something to help pay for universities, training courses etc they might want to do when older. I'm worried about pushing for this too far in case the parents decide they don't want the kids with us and send them to the mothers family (sister also schizophrenic), maternal grandmother has little interest in them.

To be fair to the childrens mother, she does try to turn up for a few hours each week to sit with them. It's like having a sack of potatos in the house that breathes. Sometimes she doesn't show for several weeks at a time.

RAS

Mum's claim is fraudulent; plain and simple.

You probably need help from someone like the Children's Society as to how to get residency confirmed. get that in place and then claim the Child benefit. That will halt mum's claim and enable you to apply for other benefits.

There are some long running threads by Mooloo here which include info about fostering in family (she has her grand-daughter, but with the mother's consent I think).

RuthnJasper

What an amazing thing you have done for these precious children. Their "parents" may have physically created them - but you have given them lives and a future.

Have you thought about applying to adopt them? It doesn't take a genius to ponder what might happen if these kids are ever returned to their biological "parents"?

Have a look on here: http://www.adoption.org.uk/information/adoption_law.html, here:
http://www.baaf.org.uk/res/law,
or - especially - here:
https://www.gov.uk/child-adoption/overview

This would give you - and the children - more security, stability and peace of mind. You are a more loving parent to them than anyone else they will have known. You may also then be able to exercise control over what their ne'er-do-well father does - it can't be helpful to have him coming and going as he pleases.

Very best wishes to you and the children - I hope all turns out well. x

Spacker

fannyadams wrote: »

can you call the NSPCC to see what their take is on this situation. they might be able to give you some idea of how to proceed with this.

Never thought of this. Thank you, will give a call today and see if they have any view on it.

By the way, one of the few little bits of trivia I know is where the term 'Sweet FA' comes from! Shocking history if you don't know!

balletshoes

Are social work still involved with both of these children? That would be my first port of call, to see what they think of the idea of you or your parents adopting the twins.

Also, if you haven't already, start a diary, logging each time each of the parents come to visit, how long they stay, what they actually do as far as interacting with the children. If either of them make plans to visit and then don't, log that too.

It sounds clinical, but its necessary, for the continued welfare of the twins. You need to think about whats best for them, and so do all the other adults involved in this situation.