Buffy takes babysteps.

Buffythedebtslayer

I have thought long and hard about starting a new diary, yet another one!

Little bit about me- I have a job I don't like at all and some debt to pay for an operation, a new car and the rest of my Masters. I did previously have loads of debt and paid it off but decided this January to borrow the money for the Masters and Op especially.

I know rationally I need to quit my job and make some decisions about my future to be happy- which include getting out of debt and moving out.

However I think I have depression. Last year when I was signed off work my doctor wanted to write depression on my certificate but I didn't want to be labelled. Over a year later and I am still in a kind of fog. I feel like there is a hole in the middle of me and I just cannot however hard I try make the connection between how I feel and what I am doing. Like I said I know what I need to do to make things better but it is just too much for me to actually do.

As I have been here a long time and have friends in real life on here too I have avoided really clearly stating how difficult things are. Some days I can't move. I go to work but am late frequently in fact, which I never was before. It is a struggle. Even now, I got up emptied the dishwasher and packed up some house stuff and had breakfast. But since then I have sat.

Sitting here I feel that getting dressed and tidying up the house and going to work tonight is all too much. This does sound pathethic and there is a huge part of me that hates saying it and wants to pull myself together.

However I have tried the get tough keep a stiff upper lip for about a year. I haven't moved. Well physically I have! but in my head I feel the same. I go through the motions but it isn't working. I was hoping things would change on their own but they have not.

I tried some things to perk me up - dating! that was amusing. I now have a boyfriend and he is lovely but with my head the way it is I am finding it a struggle to manage my feelings. I like him a lot but he is a catalyst for wanting a diary. I tried a blog but it isn't the same as having a community like this. I have gone out more, had (and this sounds ridiculous) beauty treatments, all to try and be different. The pampering is expensive but it does give me time to think.

Talking to real life friends I know I am turning into a broken record re needing to quit my job and move out. Even on here I am repeating myself. I have come to understand that this feeling I carry with me really limits what I can do and I am afraid I can only cope with so much.

So. the new approach. Babysteps. I simply don't have the capacity to think about big things right now. I feel crushed. By the mess, work, just pressure. Mainly work I must say. I need to deal with this a bit at a time.

SO today.

Well I am going to post this. scary as it is to admit it.

Write an e mail to cut my tutoring hours, clear the dinning table and clean the bathroom.

The rule of my new approach is I only lise 3 things to do. Not a list of 30 or more things which I normally have. You see there was a point when a list helped to movtivate me but as they never got any shorter and got so long I got lost it was (very) self defeating.

Oh total debt is 6641. I have a CC bill and do need to check that and move money round to get a clearer picture.

Ooo how timely The Wright Stuff is doing a piece on anti-depressants!

I must go to my Doctor. I do not like tablets and am considering St Johns Wort... but this is turning into another list!

Thank you for reading

buffy xx

BubblyBo

I had to login just to write a reply.
I have followed your diarys (under a different name) and I want you to know that you are not alone.
Well done for writing all that down and posting. You will feel better now it is 'out there'.
Please go to the doctor and don't worry about being labelled.
You will come out the other end of the tunnel.
Best wishes to you.

ani_26

It's so long since i logged on here, i couldn't remember my log in details.


I couldn't read your post and not reply.


In my opinion, pills aren't the answer to anything. That is, i'm totally against Ad's and suchlike, for "controlling mood." If you've made it through a year without them, then don't. Honestly.

I was talking to someone who was taking so many pills, they rattled. Apparently, they are great for making you "forget" and "happier" in the first few weeks, but as the effect wears off, you start to take more and more pills, each counteracts the other. So i believe. I'm not talking from personal experience. I've always refused to take pills, and i'm happy with my decision, although it's, well. Not easy. But it reinforces my decision.


Most people, i'm sure, don't want to be labelled with MH problems, although there's a touch of madness in us all? Who is sane? I'm beyond caring. Maybe a "good" or transient place to be?


Rationally, yes, maybe you need to quit your job? As you probably know, i found the decision to quit my job, the hardest decision i've ever had to make, but it was in control of me, rather than me being in control of it. I don't regret my decision at all, now. It's just making that final break. What is the point in being grossly unhappy or stressed?


Lists?

Don't be too hard on yourself. In fact, don't be hard on yourself at all. Don't even put three things on a list. Don't put any pressure on yourself, to achieve anything you don't have to. It will still be there, tomorrow? And the day after that. And the day after that. So what?

Live in the moment.

Ani xx

Sessie

Hi Buffy,

I think you've been very brave to come out and say all that you have said. Depression is a frightening and debilitating illness that affects all of us in many different ways.

I would never advocate any course of action - ie the taking of or the NOT taking of medication. I am not a doctor. I think you are right that you should speak to yours and see what he/she has to say. It may be that there is a short course of something you can have just to lift that initial "absolute low" sufficiently that you then feel able to come off that and climb your own way out of the pit.

It may be that he or she may recommend counselling or some other form of therapy/talking that would help.

But I re-iterate what works for one does not work for another and I think it's important that you take advice that applies to YOU. (I'd add that i apply this to most things in life - I will always listen to another person's opinion but in the end it's about what works FOR ME. This is in no way denigrating the other person's choice or opinion - very often I've discovered a new way of looking at things by being open to the thoughts of others - but knowing what will be most beneficial for ME).

Re the "lists". I can see that setting yourself a small achieveable target (or three) per day gives you something small to aim for, something that will lift your sense of having DONE something that day and possibly raise your self-esteem. Also, it's very positive to SEE physical things you have done that day - even something small like having done the washing up, cleaned the bathroom, whatever it is...

However, it's important that if you choose to keep setting yourself these "targets" you are able to go easy on yourself if there are days you don't manage to carry them out. It would be very easy for something you are doing to try to HELP yourself to become something else that HINDERS you if you are not able to do it.

Rather than saying, "I WILL..." try saying, "I WILL TRY TO...". As Ani said, you don't need to put any more pressure on yourself right now.

I wish you much luck and strength x

Sessie

Buffythedebtslayer

Thank you all so much. Was so worried about posting exactly what was going on. the time you have taken to post means a lot.
I think I have hinted before but sort of felt I was lying - the face I put on in real life was here too.

So I sent the e mail. no reply yet

It is 12 mid- day. Time to clean the bathroom.

xxx

lotti379

Hi Buffy,

I have seen your diaries before having been a long time lurker on this site, well done for starting a new one!

Depression - well done also for saying it. I was diagnosed last year with depression and anxiety issues and I have to say, going to the doctor was the best decision I made. I put it off for soooo long in a bid not to "admit defeat" or be labelled. No-one (apart from my mother, but that is another story) has ever described me as "a depressive person" and everyone, particularly my OH, has been really supportive.

I was prescribed antidepressants, an SSRI called Citalopram, was referred to NHS therapy but I decided to invest some money in seeing a private counsellor.

I found the antidepressants to be really helpful, I only took them for 5-6 months (I was originally told I would need them for at least 6 months, so I was pleased with that), and they helped me out for long enough to put other control measures in place such as the therapy, and changing my diet (less sugar) and doing some exercise again.

I also found a book, "Depressive Illness: the curse of the strong" by Tim Cantopher to be a lifeline. My OH's mother lent me her copy, and I've recently splashed out the £7 to get my own. I'm not totally out of the woods yet, but getting there and so much better than I was this time last year.

This has been a very "I" post, sorry about that, but I didn't want to preach at you as what worked for me may not work for you, I just wanted to share how I got through!

Your description "a hole in the middle of me" really resonated with me. Takes me back to when I would wake up hoping for rain instead of sunshine so I wouldn't have to feel *quite* so guilty about not feeling able to move.

Baby steps are the way forward!

*subscribing now*

ani_26

Buffythedebtslayer wrote: »

However I have tried the get tough keep a stiff upper lip for about a year. I haven't moved. Well physically I have! but in my head I feel the same. I go through the motions but it isn't working. I was hoping things would change on their own but they have not.

That's how we are taught to cope these days?

Stiff upper lip? Be positive. How i hate the cliche, be positive.

I've spent these last few years with a stiff upper lip. Behind a facade. Carrying on as if things were normal. Not telling anyone how "bad" things were for me. Being positive. Everyone has their breaking point?


Take some time to chill? I would say take a chill pill, hypothetically, of course.


Wellbeing is what you eat and exercise? Getting out in the great outdoors, in the sunshine, snow, fresh air, however small your limitations?

Far better than "chemicals" anyday, methinks.

Buffythedebtslayer wrote: »

I think I have hinted before but sort of felt I was lying - the face I put on in real life was here too.

Be true to yourself, before you can be true to anyone else.

Buffythedebtslayer wrote: »

It is 12 mid- day. Time to clean the bathroom.

Why?

Buffythedebtslayer

thank you xx I might get that book. I have heard of it before.

*sighs* I have stalled today. the BF is coming tomorrow and house is a tip. He won't care - he says compared to his house it is very tidy. But I really hate the mess. does not help with my head at all.

Still need to clean the bathroom. I did clean the toilet. Its a start. I feel it is going to be a loooooooooooooooooog afternoon.

Hell I can't even decide what to wear!!

I might put a jacket potato in the oven - yes bear with me, not the most exciting statement ever I know but I shall go clean the bathroom and get dressed whilst it is cooking.

http://www.deliaonline.com/how-to-cook/fruit-and-vegetables/how-to-cook-jacket-potatoes.html


Might see what else is in the freezer and then I can walk the dogs and go to work. I shall go to Sainsburys after work and buy me and the man some nice food.

I usually feel better in the evenings so might plan some more tidying.

Can I just say Dogs are great.

xxxx

Buffythedebtslayer

I think really Ani, I am trying to clear the decks in some way.
I have noticed I do this, let things get messy and untidy and then unclean (fish tanks!!) as a kind of sign to myself that things are not right.

Over the years this happened periodically and I have taken it as a sign to change things. move house, friends, relationships, jobs, whatever. However for various reasons I think this time I am on a new low.

I built the piggies a new cage the other night and it made me feel much better.

I know there is some connection between my home and my head.

I am rambling now. Shall put the potato in the oven. Lol.

xx

ani_26

Buffythedebtslayer wrote: »

I know there is some connection between my home and my head.

So they say, but if you can't do it, you can't do it?

Shall put the potato in the oven. Lol.

xx

Cheese and beans, ta

Buffythedebtslayer

*writes order down on pad *

Potatoes are in the oven. I shredded some mail, that was fun. The shredder is full - bedding for the gerbils.

I also phoned and paid my union subs, I really need my union.

The bathroom awaits.

xx