Buffy takes babysteps.

Snagggles

My bf used to be a very devout Christian (although is now agnostic), and has sometimes talked about the comfort and release he found in the religious rituals. I think perhaps the same can be said for any sort of structure or routine. There is a lot to be said for normality when it comes to recovery.

I found that I also put up with far more at work than I should have, when I was in my previous job. The constant feeling of failure, the ever-present threat of being 'in trouble' for not being good enough, no matter how hard I tried, the slide into depression...they took the fight out of me, and I let myself be treated in ways that were unbelievably unfair, in hindsight. I just didn't have the strength to say 'No! It's not ok to do that'.

Now I feel (mostly) well again, I am actually a bit embarrassed at having been such a doormat, but at the time, I couldn't possibly have done anything but grit my teeth and get through each day in any way I could manage.

A bit negative really, but what I'm saying is you're not weird and you're not alone, and things can change for the better. Baby steps towards taking control, just as your diary says. Keep moving forwards, and as some things begin to be resolved, your strength to battle the rest will increase. Like a mental snowball calculator.

Buffythedebtslayer

Snagggles wrote: »

The constant feeling of failure, the ever-present threat of being 'in trouble' for not being good enough, no matter how hard I tried, the slide into depression...they took the fight out of me, and I let myself be treated in ways that were unbelievably unfair, in hindsight. I just didn't have the strength to say 'No! It's not ok to do that'.

Keep moving forwards, and as some things begin to be resolved, your strength to battle the rest will increase. Like a mental snowball calculator.

the first paragraph exactly describes work and what is happening/ed to me.

The last paragraph - I hope for and the first time I read it I thought you said metal snowball calculator and was a bit confused


thanks Snags xxxxxxx

ani_26

Buffythedebtslayer wrote: »

It's weird Ani, a few years - well more than that I would NEVER have put up with this crap at work. My long term friends are very surprised.

It's probably true of 99% of the working population.



The things you do, for fear of not having a job and the subsequent consequences?

ani_26

hypno06 wrote: »

ani.....Victoria's Secret is just one very small part of my journey.....

I'm enjoying it for now. It makes me smile. But so does sunshine, seeing daffodils peep through the ground, having hugs from my kids and my man, listening to particular music, etc etc etc.

Snagggles wrote: »

Victoria's Secret have gorgeous things. Must have? Nope. But lovely to have? Absolutely!

They are described as must have. Not my words.

Snagggles wrote: »

As hypno says, there are many things equally or more wonderful, some of which cost nothing. But many of us wouldn't be here at all if we didn't like some things that don't come for free. :rotfl:

Your replies certainly made me think, because is it a generational thing? I'm sure it is. Or is it indicative of the consumeristic soceity in which we live today? One must have? One must be like? One must behave like this? One must weigh a certain amount? One must look like this? Down to underwear to make you feel sexy? Is it possible to feel sexy, regardless, or be all of these things, by doing absolutely nothing? To me, certain things come from within.

It may surprise people to know, that actually, prior to my "meltdown," i'd never been in debt. Apart from a mortgage, which i know people don't always class as a debt, but i do. You don't own your property until it is paid for, you owe money, and you can lose property at any time, until the mortgage is paid. Even then, you could take a secured loan against your property. What is the definition of being truly debt free?


Anyway, i'm sure to some extent, it's a generational attitude. Decades ago, you only had what you had the money to pay for, except maybe, a mortgage. In those days, you were on first name terms with your bank manager. If you were really poor, the man from the pru, provi, or such, lent you money, and you paid it back, every week.


Expectations nowadays are, well, expectations. When i got married decades ago, we were as poor as church mice. No fancy wedding, no this, no that, and a few days camping in wales, was our honeymoon. Most people went to wales for a few days for their honeymoon, in those days. We did manage "buy" a house, for a few thousand, if i remember, but we didn't have anything to go in it. Except a cat and a dog. When our dog had an accident, the vet pieced her together for free, because we didn't have any money to pay the vet. We didn't have any furniture. We didn't have a washing machine, fridge, or any of the goods, everyone takes for granted these days, and can't get married without? Eventually some friends gave us a fridge they were throwing out, which i think was somewhere in the region of 20 years old, and i've a feeling we had that fridge for almost another 20 years. Bizarrely enough, we were happy, and that was the only thing that mattered to us. We always used to have holidays. We went camping, because we were climbers and we had a ridge tent, but gawd one tent in particular leaked so badly, we had to come home. No staying in an hotel, instead. There wasn't the money. Shopping lists were strictly adhered to. I could go on. Looking back, i've rarely stayed in hotels for pleasure, and definitely only budget hotels. Do i care? Not at all, because i've travelled a huge part of the world, even if it meant sleeping under the stars, ( which i have done, too.) You can't put a price on my experiences and i suppose memories, although it's easy to forget?

I can't say i've been out and bought designer items of anything, because they " belong" to that designer. That's not to say, i haven't lived, because i've had many experiences other people would die for, literally, and yes, maybe i've been fortunate, but only beacuse i've been savvy in extremes if that's word. Looking at some of the salaries people say they earn these days, it's unreal, so maybe it is? 10's or 100's of thousands of pounds. I've never earnt "alot" of money. Not even with two of us working, we probably earnt todays equivalent of £20k pa, at it's very best And both of us were professionals. Managers and the like. But we scrimped and saved and had eventually, what we thought was a "comfortable" life. Not extravagant, but relatively secure and comfortable. So how did I end up in debt? Sometimes, things out of our control happen, don't they?


I do apologise buffy, for hijacking your thread, but i hope it helps give perspective?

Alchemilla

Buffy are you a teacher?
You might like to try teacher support line. Good and free. Helped me through some angst.

Snagggles

ani_26 wrote: »

They are described as must have. Not my words.

I didn't misunderstand, don't worry; I was replying to their advertising blurb, not your words.

One must have? One must be like? One must behave like this? One must weigh a certain amount? One must look like this? Down to underwear to make you feel sexy? Is it possible to feel sexy, regardless, or be all of these things, by doing absolutely nothing? To me, certain things come from within.

Is this addressed to me? If so, the implication that I am not 'sexy from within' is borderline offensive, if sadly true. :rotfl:

I'll be frank - I am not 'sexy from within'. A decade of marriage to a man who never gave me a compliment, and who was physically disinterested in me, is probably sufficient proof of that.

See this? It's the world's smallest violin:



I've never bought something because it was a particular brand (unless you count fishfingers, because some of the cheap ones are gross!), and I've never used money that was earmarked for bills, or for supporting my children, to pay for clothing or extravagances, but I don't apologise for enjoying the occasional good quality, attractive item.

Sometimes I do feel better if I wear a particular thing, or put make up on, or make an effort with my hair. I also feel more professional at work if I dress smartly. I envy you if you find those things come from within. I need a bit of help! :cool:

It may surprise people to know, that actually, prior to my "meltdown," i'd never been in debt.

No, that doesn't surprise me. You seem sensible when it comes to money. I have also never spent my way in debt. I married into debt, and spent most of that married life striving to repay my (now ex-) husband's debts, provide for the children and keep a roof over our heads. We separated because I stopped loving him when he hit my autistic son across the face, on two occasions (there was only a second occasion because I made him seek help after the first time, and truly believed it wouldn't happen again). I tried to forgive him, and we struggled on (despite numerous other problems) for a couple of years, but the damage was done.

Like you, my wedding was far from fancy. I lent my ex the money to pay for a ring. He never paid me back. Our honeymoon was a last minute trip away that cost about £350. My mum made my cake and my Grandma did my flowers. Both were beautiful.

We lived in a tiny 2 bedroom house that we could barely afford to furnish. My parents helped sometimes, giving household items as birthday or Christmas gifts. We decorated as and when we could afford to. Two of the rooms I decorated before putting it up for sale last year had never been decorated in all the time (12 years) we lived there. One of them had revolting, garish floral carpet. I felt embarrassed just dragging it out of the house to dispose of it!

I am definitely not in the 'unreal' salary brackets you mentioned. I work part time for a charity, helping people who have lost their homes (or are in danger of doing so) put their lives back together. The work rewards the soul more than it rewards the pocket.

I'm very lucky and will soon be debt free (by all financial definitions). I'm a natural worrier and stress head, and have suffered a fairly significant spell of mental illness over the last couple of years, and I can sometimes be found fretting and panicking about things that are not really huge problems in the grand scheme of things, but I'm extremely grateful for the life I have now, and don't take it for granted.

Buffythedebtslayer

Am as usual too tired to reply to the loooooooooooooooong posts.

Thank you tho and hijack away xxx

3 things. well. emptied dishwasher, mopped floor, got to make lunch.

didn't mark. too !!!!ing tired.

want bed. and Sky tv in my room. Or a Bones Boxset.

night all. no clue what to have for lunch.

xxx

youareallhelpingme

Buffy my dear, I wondered where you had gone.

I am not at all suprised by your first post or the fact that you are still putting off going to the Dr's. I won't nag as you have to be ready to talk to them.

Please buy the Tim Cantopher books, I have 2 of them from [EMAIL="Am@zon"]Am@zon[/EMAIL], easy to read and brilliantly illustrated. I have also heard him speak and he makes it clear that rather than it being an "embarrasing subject" or that you are a "loony" this is a medical condition, a chemical imbalance of seratonin in the brain. Treatments vary depending on your requirements - same as if you had diabetes. Would you be embarrassed to seek help for that?

Rest and learning to spot the signs of a relapse are very important.

Modern therapy is excellent and so are the drugs. DH had therapy and drugs and is now off both, he knows when to slow down and what people/situations to avoid. My sister had the same but is on drugs probably for life as she has thyroid problems which make the low seratonin and her depression worse.

Teaching is not a place to be during recovery, the stresses are too great as you can't switch off when your body is telling you to. In the early days it may not even be advisable to have a list of 3 things to complete. DH learnt his own pace and you will too.

Take care, don't hide xxxxxxx

Buffythedebtslayer

Fleas back, been defleaing. Also had complete stress fit and didn't go to work. had migraine. slept nearly all day. And then hoovered.

feel better. VERY glad tomorrow is Friday. got a busy weekend which oddly I am looking forward to.

I will be much happier having a nervous breakdown in a tidy house:D:D:eek:. I am having such dejavu. weird weird weird.

no lunch for tomorrow.

may take noodles. And fruit as well as lots of chocolate. got a thing about drinking milk at the moment.

Did eat dinner tho.

YAHM - v good to see you xxxx


right to bed!

see you all tomorrow xxx

Buffythedebtslayer

Ok.

tired again!!

But I have ordered a SAD light and a body clock alarm clock thing. They have been on my wish list for a while. I have had an especially bad day today. People at work being mean. two friends off with stress and I spoke to one at length last night - she is a mess. I am afraid for her although she sounded better today. I also nearly stuffed things up with the man.

so I decided that I will buy the lamps and see. I did have a light up alarm clock and it was good but it broke.

going to bed now.