advice please

Pinkphoenix

Hi,

Sorry if this is long. I guess I need practical advice.

DH and I have a 8 month old DD. Even before we had her he did nothing in the house at all. I should have thought more clearly before having DD but I'm getting on a bit and desperately wanted a child.

Fast forward 8 months and DH does virtually nothing with DD, including refusing to cuddle her as she is still suffering with reflux and is sick frequently which bothers him. (doesn't seem to bother her!)

I am due to go back to work soon and am still doing everything for DD and in the house. I am exhausted.

I have broached the subject with DH to ask for help, but his usual reply is that he works full time, and he goes back to doing nothing. I will be returning full time myself (to the same company except DH is senior to me, and when I have asked for more support when I start work, his reply is that he will has more to do etc...)

Basically, I feel I'm at the end of my tether and I need to change something.
I have discussed idea of me working part-time which we luckily can afford, but he said this is a 'deal breaker' for him and 'not what he signed up for' when we started trying for a baby.
I feel so torn, I am contemplating leaving. But am worried because I have divorced parents and didn't want this for my DD.

Any advice? Thoughts on how to manage as a single mom? Or am I being dramatic and will find a way to manage?

Gillyx

I don't think you're being dramatic at all. IMO even though ATM you're essentially a SAHM, you should be doing all you can during the day, but he comes home and his days off chores should be split. That is how we work things but I do all the cooking.

Just because you're at home doesn't mean that you're sitting on your bum all day, far from it with an 8month old who is probably into everything

If you've asked him to help and he isn't responding and it's not what he 'signed up for' I'd be inclined to stop helping him, don't do his washing, cook him any food, buy stuff he needs at the supermarket, make sure there is clean crockery for you and your daughter and leave him to it. He may realise how much you do then.

May be drastic but he sounds like a chauvinistic pig struck in the 50's.

CH27

I would be tempted to do as Gilly says. Make him realise how much you do.

I would also quietly start looking & thinking about how you would manage on your own.
Work out some figures based on full time & part time earnings. Remember to check if you would be entitled to child and/or working tax credits & to look on the CSA website for maintenance figures.

Funky_Bold_Ribena

Pinkphoenix wrote: »

Hi,

Sorry if this is long. I guess I need practical advice.

DH and I have a 8 month old DD. Even before we had her he did nothing in the house at all. I should have thought more clearly before having DD but I'm getting on a bit and desperately wanted a child.

Fast forward 8 months and DH does virtually nothing with DD, including refusing to cuddle her as she is still suffering with reflux and is sick frequently which bothers him. (doesn't seem to bother her!)

I am due to go back to work soon and am still doing everything for DD and in the house. I am exhausted.

I have broached the subject with DH to ask for help, but his usual reply is that he works full time, and he goes back to doing nothing. I will be returning full time myself (to the same company except DH is senior to me, and when I have asked for more support when I start work, his reply is that he will has more to do etc...)

Basically, I feel I'm at the end of my tether and I need to change something.
I have discussed idea of me working part-time which we luckily can afford, but he said this is a 'deal breaker' for him and 'not what he signed up for' when we started trying for a baby.
I feel so torn, I am contemplating leaving. But am worried because I have divorced parents and didn't want this for my DD.

Any advice? Thoughts on how to manage as a single mom? Or am I being dramatic and will find a way to manage?

Is him being a complete waste of space as a parent a deal breaker for you and 'not what you signed up for'?

jjj1980

I have been in this situation!! My LO was 6 weeks premature due to me having Pre-Eclampsia and HELLP Syndrome. Sorry after an EMCS and on very high meds due to nearly dying, my now-exhusband expected me to do all the two-hourly feeds, all the changes, feeds, housework, cooking, ironing etc.

He had already started being partly this way whilst I was pregnant and supposed to be on bed rest.

I did practically as Gilly has suggested. I used to do his clothes in with the washing for my LO and myself, I only cooked for him if I was cooking anyway. His clothes, once dry, we're folded and placed on his side of the bed for him to iron/hang up himself. They normally ended up thrown either on the floor or in the bottom of his wardrobe. I tended to snack inbetween my LO's feeds with them being so regular, there wasn't really time for cooking and eating proper meals.

We split when my LO was only 5 months old and on my first Mothers Day as well. I am like you, I got married to stay married, having seen my own parents divorce when I was 7. But marriage is supposed to be an equal partnership and neither mine not yours sounds like it was/is.

I am quite stubborn though and never agreed that whilst I was home, maternity leave or whatever, that I should be expected to run round after/cook for /cleanup after my ex. He was an adult and perfectly capable of taking care of himself!! I never asked him to cook for or pick up after me as being an adult myself, I was totally capable. It's only what he would have had to have done if he had moved out of his parents to live on his own rather than into my house!!!


It's hard at first, as you have to deal with the disappointment that what you had planned for future isn't happening but things do get easier. Even with a now 3 year old, my house is cleaner and tidier than when my ex was with us. You get into routines and knowing there is no-one else that COULD help out but Doesn't makes the routine easier to plan. I used to put my LO in one of the carriers and "wear" her while I tidied up when she was little. Once she was too big, I used the Jumperoo/Activity Chair and kept it near me.

Make the use of local Baby Groups, activities at sports centres. As well as getting you out of the house, giving baby chance to play with others, they can also be a fantastic support and advice network.

Thegirl

I have a two year old. I am currently separated from my husband (although still living together whilst we wait for the house to sell) and will be divorcing.
My situation was not dissimilar from what you describe. He got worse whilst I was pregnant. Once our son was here started to retreat further into himself. Would come home from work and play on the playstation. Didn't really communicate with me. I was very lonely. I went back to work full time. I continued doing everything, he continued just playing on his playstation. My back went a few months later. First time I had time to reflect as I was flat out for a week. I knew things had to change.
We tried marriage counselling, somehting I would always recommend, but in the end we are where we are now.
Things will always change when you have a child and not always in the way perhaps either of you might want/expect, but that is what you sign up for. It's not about him, it's about creating a good life for your child.
Working for him complicates matters. I would speak to a solicitor as there are a few things that might need to be factored in.
But first you both need to have an honest chat about where you are. I wouldn't recommend any decisions on anything until you've done that.

Make-it-3

It sounds to me like husband didn't really sign up for having a child and even the presence of that child in the house hasn't changed his mind and is now making you pay for it.

Why is it such a deal breaker that you return to work full time if you have the option and can afford part time?

Having said that, friends who have returned to work full time have said its not as hard as they imagined it would be. For 5 days a week someone else takes the pressure off all the feeding, nappy changing entertaining etc which is where all the time goes at home. You get your lunch break to yourself - do your banking, bit of shopping etc. Also I expect you will feel less isolated and alone "taking care of everything" when you do go back to work.

Can you afford a cleaner, one who does ironing etc? So you aren't playing catch up at the weekend.

All that said, its your OH's lack of interest in the baby that is the most worrying part and that all child responsibilities will still fall on your shoulders.

You are a family and should be working together as a team. I think in the long term it is lack of support that will grind you down more than the physical work of it.

Kayalana99

Just my little two cents hun but no matter how lazy your OH is if he is not showing your little baby love an attention that it needs then thier is no point staying together for the child.

My parents are divorced and I have a DS and one on the way and I would hate for them to grow up without a father I admit and I would happily do all the cooking and cleaning if it meant we could be a full family....but the one thing I wouldn't take is him not loving the children ...as then he is basicly not a father...to not hold a child because of a bit of baby sick is ridulous. Good Luck Op (And I am not saying you should do all housework he sounds like a pig tbh)

Meadows

Did he willingly agree to having a baby, does he feel he was coerced into it and now is resenting the baby?

You need to have an open and honest discussion with him and then if you feel life for you and your daughter would be better away from him then this may be the step you have to take.

Pinkphoenix

Thanks for all the opinions everyone.

My mum had DD today and we have sat down and had a chat.
DH admits he has been lazy and unhelpful. His reasoning is that he says I like to 'micromanage' everything he does and that he feels like he can't do anything right. If I'm honest there is an element of truth to this. However, I don't feel that excuses all of his behaviour.

He feels I've changed from being career mad to disinterested since having DD and that by going part-time I would change more as my job is a big part of me.

As for being disinterested in DD, we discussed that at length because whatever happens between is, I would like him to have a good relationship with her. He admits that he doesn't spend as much time as he should with her and didn't really go into much why. I get the impression that he almost doesn't know what to do with a little one. Something to discuss further... I am looking into marriage counselling as suggested

We both decided to have a baby and he was really excited during my pregnancy. But it did happen quicker than we anticipated and I probably pushed for it more.

I have spent today trying to figure out how I'd manage by myself if it came to it. It feels daunting because we'd have to move out as this is DH's house (bought before we met)

Lots to think about!

jjj1980

This probably seems a strange thing to say as I've already posted giving my experience but it's really hard to explain how to cope as a single parent as, well......you just do.

It's hard and tiring but it's also rewarding in its own way. Although this is not the life I had wanted or planned for, I am really proud of my daughter and myself. My home is not to show-house standard but it's clean, it's comfortable, my daughter always has clean clothes, we eat healthy food with a weekly treat of extra special pudding. And there is no way I would give this up for all the stress, worry, fear and upset that existed when my ex lived with us.

No matter what the final outcome is, you Will cope. Even if you need to speak to a counsellor, you are still stronger than you would believe. Just admitting you are struggling takes a lot of courage.