Am I overreacting?

Am_I_Wrong

I could really do with some advice, I need people I do not know to tell me straight before I possibly throw away an otherwise great relationship.

Been with my boyfriend going on 12 years.

At the start of our relationship I had to go away quite a lot because of the job I had at the time. I was once away for two weeks, and I came home to a computer full of !!!!!!, that I was ok with, never really had much of a problem with it as such. Then I noticed that dating sites had been signed up to and messages sent from my boyfriend to other people, on his profile he listed that he was single and looking.

There was also emails to a woman who lived in our town arranging to meet up. As far as I am aware they did not meet up after he pulled out, as he felt he could not go through with it. I do know however that he did meet up with one other woman, in his car of all places and what happened there I did not want to know about. Before anyone says anything about snooping, this was all done on my computer, using my old email address which I only signed into from time to time.

I confronted him, he admitted everything, told me that it started with him looking at !!!!!!, then went to him watching live cams (and paying for it) to him joining dating sites with the intention of meeting people for fun, he was even dropping me off at work, then phoning into his own job sick so he could go home to watch cams etc.

I left him and moved away. He got councelling (sp) (he had his reason for doing this that he needed to work through) and also sold his computer, then came to my new house and promised me the world to get me back, he finally admitted to me why he had done it. It took around six months but I decided to take him back. The condition of me taking him back was that he must never hurt me in that way again.

Been together ever since, No real problems at all between us since. Until he got a new phone around four months ago. My phone decided to never turn on again and he gave me his new phone and he took his old phone until I could replace mine.

His phone was full of pictures of women in their underwear.

I found the pictures last night and spent the night in the spare room, I feel I cant go through this again.

Is this just something that men do? Should I be ok with this? Its in my head that this is how it all started the last time and I made it clear that I do not want this in my life again, it took me a long time to trust him again and I feel that trust slipping away again.

Im sitting here alone on valentines day thinking about leaving him, and I need to know if I am overreacting or if with the history of all this i have a valid point?

victory

Have you told him you found the photos?

Meadows

No it's not something that men should do, I would not be too happy to find my husband doing that.

This really is something you both need to talk about in depth. You need to find out how innocent it may or not be and what your expectations are from each other, what you find acceptable and what is not.

Try not to get too upset for now, you need to talk this through and then make decisions on you future together, but do not settle for less than you are happy with.

Am_I_Wrong

victory wrote: »

Have you told him you found the photos?

Not yet, I found them last night and told him I wanted to be alone for a while, I slept in the spare room and hes at work at the moment. Hes not allowed personal calls at work so only chance I will get to speak to him is tonight.

alleycat`

The cams, the dating sites and the meeting other women I'd say, no, that is not normal.
I'd consider that the same as some bloke working away all week and having a lady in two ports, so to speak (similar to another thread on here?).

Looking at pictures of ladies in their underwear (and less), that probably isn't uncommon but really, not knowing the age, i'd expect someone to grow out of that (to a certain extent).

Considering past behaviour i can see how you would be concerned. Weighing against that is he gave you the phone knowing you would see what was on it (or he is an utter plank).

Is it a deal breaker if it is just pictures of ladies off the internet? I guess that is up to you.
If it is the live cams, dating sites, etc. then that is something else.

VestanPance

His behaviour isn't typical male behaviour. Most guys will watch !!!!!! or ogle pictures of pretty women, but it sounds like he has an addiction to pornography.

Joons

I think a lot of men do do this, it's too easy with the internet, web cams, dating sites, men are easily tempted and will definitely be looking at these kind of sites, it's whether they actually do anything but look that causes the problems as you have already endured.

Tbh, there is something wrong in your relationship if this man is doing the same thing again, what was his reasons before, I assume things were not right between you? If a man is happy with his woman, he wouldn't be doing anything but look, maybe that is all he is doing this time, you will need to speak to him to find out the truth.

He was lucky you forgave him before so if he is messing you about, kick him to the kerb, he cleary does not value the relationship in the same way that you do, ie, stay faithful and don't take th mick!

Bufger

Most men look at !!!!!! even if they say they dont.

Paying for live webcams or looking for real sexual interaction is not ok. Its different from !!!!!! as it also suggests a level of emotional involvement rather than just whacking one off.

Only you can decide what to do but personally as a bloke that is where I draw the line.

cockaleekee

Downloaded pics or pics he has asked women to send him?

Joons

VestanPance wrote: »

His behaviour isn't typical male behaviour. Most guys will watch !!!!!! or ogle pictures of pretty women, but it sounds like he has an addiction to pornography.

Yes I meant to say this too, taking the day off work to go home and watch web cams would indicate to me that he did and may still, have an addiction/problem.

Bufger

Joons wrote: »

I think a lot of men do do this, it's too easy with the internet, web cams, dating sites, men are easily tempted and will definitely be looking at these kind of sites, it's whether they actually do anything but look that causes the problems as you have already endured.

Tbh, there is something wrong in your relationship if this man is doing the same thing again, what was his reasons before, I assume things were not right between you? If a man is happy with his woman, he wouldn't be doing anything but look, maybe that is all he is doing this time, you will need to speak to him to find out the truth.

He was lucky you forgave him before so if he is messing you about, kick him to the kerb, he cleary does not value the relationship in the same way that you do, ie, stay faithful and don't take th mick!

No, you're implying that its ultimately her fault for his behaviour and that is completely wrong. He's an adult, he decides what he considers right and wrong and only chumps blame their behaviour on others.