Contact with alcoholic father - what to do

pigpen

I sometimes force my 13 y/o to go to his dads (he isn't an alcoholic but is a nasty bully) because no matter what you have a duty to try to maintain a relationship there so the child can form their own opinions and in time they may choose not to see their other parent.. I can fully understand why you would not want her to see him and I am totally with you in that.. he has had many many opportunities to sort himself out and get a life built but his own wants are put before his daughter every single time.. he doesn't deserve any more chances but your daughter does.

As I said to my friend when she was trying to get her ex to see their boys.. keep the paper trail, keep on trying because you can then say you did everything in your power to keep a relationship there and if he chooses to ignore that or throw away a chance to be a father to his own offspring then you cannot be held responsible. ..

The problem with alcoholics is they have a tendancy to die prematurely so it would be a shame if she never got a chance to see him for what he really is before that happens, at which point there develops 'hero worship' which is just sickening.. if that makes it any less galling for you

If your daughter is struggling with the journey request it is a closer centre, or one in the middle so you both have to travel but not as far.

In your shoes I wouldn't want him anywhere near her either, it does seem he is doing this purely to irritate you rather than maintain the relationship with your daughter.

teaandcakeordeath

As someone with an utterly useless, estranged alcoholic father I can only sympathise with your situation and your DDs. I haven't seen him for 7 years- I didn't meet him until I was about 7 and then he dropped sporadically in and out of my life despite my mum's attempts.

Like a lot of the others have said I would advise that you don't break the court order- sooner or later he will and that's when you can act. If he turns up to visit your DD drunk/ drugged then I'm sure you'll have every right to withdraw contact as it's not suitable to put a little girl in that situation. My mum gave him the rope to hang himself with- as galling as that must have been for her- I advise you do the same thing. Either he'll be out of your life quicker than you'll realise or he'll straighten himself up and perhaps have a good relationship with his DD.

Bear in mind that your DD will grow up and will have questions if she doesn't have the opportunity to see her father (even if she doesn't want to *right* now) and you want to be able to show her that the lack of contact wasn't from you denying it. My 'dad' tried to turn his absenteeism on my mum but she'd always been open with me, called him to arrange contact and had never used me as a 'weapon' (not saying you are- just that's how it was in his addled mind!) so I knew that he wasn't the martyr he was making himself out to be!

Sorry for the long post- that's my two pence worth though!

gotnodosh

teaandcakeordeath wrote: »

As someone with an utterly useless, estranged alcoholic father I can only sympathise with your situation and your DDs. I haven't seen him for 7 years- I didn't meet him until I was about 7 and then he dropped sporadically in and out of my life despite my mum's attempts.

Like a lot of the others have said I would advise that you don't break the court order- sooner or later he will and that's when you can act. If he turns up to visit your DD drunk/ drugged then I'm sure you'll have every right to withdraw contact as it's not suitable to put a little girl in that situation. My mum gave him the rope to hang himself with- as galling as that must have been for her- I advise you do the same thing. Either he'll be out of your life quicker than you'll realise or he'll straighten himself up and perhaps have a good relationship with his DD.

Bear in mind that your DD will grow up and will have questions if she doesn't have the opportunity to see her father (even if she doesn't want to *right* now) and you want to be able to show her that the lack of contact wasn't from you denying it. My 'dad' tried to turn his absenteeism on my mum but she'd always been open with me, called him to arrange contact and had never used me as a 'weapon' (not saying you are- just that's how it was in his addled mind!) so I knew that he wasn't the martyr he was making himself out to be!

Sorry for the long post- that's my two pence worth though!

Thank you, that really helped. I do worry about the impact this has on my DD, she is a clever little girl and I am sure she will work everything out herself in her own time. I just have to try to support her in the meantime.

I doubt my Ex will ever sort himself out. He is too far down the line iyswim. But hey, stranger things have happened!

Fosterdog

teaandcakeordeath wrote: »

As someone with an utterly useless, estranged alcoholic father I can only sympathise with your situation and your DDs. I haven't seen him for 7 years- I didn't meet him until I was about 7 and then he dropped sporadically in and out of my life despite my mum's attempts.

Like a lot of the others have said I would advise that you don't break the court order- sooner or later he will and that's when you can act. If he turns up to visit your DD drunk/ drugged then I'm sure you'll have every right to withdraw contact as it's not suitable to put a little girl in that situation. My mum gave him the rope to hang himself with- as galling as that must have been for her- I advise you do the same thing. Either he'll be out of your life quicker than you'll realise or he'll straighten himself up and perhaps have a good relationship with his DD.

Bear in mind that your DD will grow up and will have questions if she doesn't have the opportunity to see her father (even if she doesn't want to *right* now) and you want to be able to show her that the lack of contact wasn't from you denying it. My 'dad' tried to turn his absenteeism on my mum but she'd always been open with me, called him to arrange contact and had never used me as a 'weapon' (not saying you are- just that's how it was in his addled mind!) so I knew that he wasn't the martyr he was making himself out to be!

Sorry for the long post- that's my two pence worth though!

We are hoping that it works the other way for us, OH's ex has yet again taken his children out of his life, despite court ordered contact. She claims he is a violent, alcoholic bully who was so controlling she had no life. She has no evidence whatsoever to back up her side.

I have lived with the man for four years and together for five, he is still the kindest and sweetest man I have met. He is so far from the monster she makes him out to be, he has never so much as raised his voice at me let alone a fist, even when we argue he just walks away and doesn't like the confrontation. He does drink but no more than many others out there, he has between 2 and 8 cans of lager maybe one weekend a month, lots have more than that in wine with meals.

We cannot afford to take his ex back to court this time, we've done the self representing thing, that just dragged on for over a year, OH doesn't qualify for legal aid, we have spent just under £10k in three years on solicitors fees. We are both in minimum wage jobs and had to beg and borrow to pay that and there is no more money. As much as we want to go back to court we have no way to pay for it.

We have kept records of every form of contact from his ex, the court, the solicitors, CAFCASS, Social services and if the children ever choose to get in touch OH can show them that his ex has lied about him being a violent alcoholic and can show how much he fought for them and the other lies his ex has told them. They can then make their own minds up about which parent to believe, but given the fact that his ex had two older children from a previous relationship who both want nothing to do with her but are back in contact with their dad it gives us hope too.

OP if your ex is as bad as you say he is your daughter will see that in her own time and she will make the decision whether to cut him out of her life or not. Or he will mess it up all by himself without you helping.

Don't forget at one time you were so in love with this man that you chose to have a child with him, just because you are no longer together he must still have some of the good qualities that you saw in him in the first place. Also when you tell a child how bad their one parent is you are telling the child that half of them is bad. You could end up giving your daughter serious self esteem issues. Try to focus on the positives in front of her, use your friends, family and even on here to slag him off and vent but keep it away from her.

RAS

gotnodosh wrote: »

Thank you, that really helped. I do worry about the impact this has on my DD, she is a clever little girl and I am sure she will work everything out herself in her own time. I just have to try to support her in the meantime.

I doubt my Ex will ever sort himself out. He is too far down the line iyswim. But hey, stranger things have happened!

Hi

It will be much easier if you work with the contact order for now.

If he actually makes it to the end next time go to court and ask that visits be at an alternative contact centre near to your home. Locate one well ahead of the hearing. Cite the restrictions that the current arrangements and travel time have on DDs ability to attend other events later in the day.

daska

It's not often mentioned but, as pigpen points out, one of the 'benefits' of contact is, as pigpen points out, the child gets to see who their parent really is. Whether this benefit is primarily yours or the child's is debatable but it does mean the castles in the sky start looking like grotty bedsits. Your job now is to be seen to be on the side of the angels.

The contact centre will be keeping a record of who turns up and when and in what state - you can be sure that they won't allow contact if he is noticeably inebriated/stoned. In fact, you can find that they discover innocuous reasons to 'have a little chat' when he arrives so that they are in a position to have a good 'sniff' LOL. (Our centre certainly did this with DSD's mum)

If, or probably when, he ceases to bother with contact or fails to turn up sober so that it's cancelled you can take it back to court and ask that your child's needs be considered in light of his behaviour.

gotnodosh

Thanks for all the advice.

I took DD to the Contact Centre this morning. DD was happy to see him and all excited.

Guess who stumbled at the first hurdle. He didn't turn up.

BitterAndTwisted

See? You don't have to risk the consequences of defying the court's decision yourself: he'll muck it up all on his own without any help from you.

daska

ROFLMAO - so predictable...

Don't say a word! Literally not a word! Don't criticise, don't tell him he better turn up next time or you'll <insert response here>. Don't tell him how upset his child was. NOT ONE WORD!

Let him think it's water off a ducks back, not a problem, that there'll be no comeback on him.

But do tell your solicitor.

FWIW Contact centres can be more than a little displeased and, if there's a queue like there was at our local centre, they could put him back at the bottom of the waiting list...

pigpen

Poor DD.. That low life has disappointed her so many times.. he really should be strung up.

I can imagine just how you are both feeling right now.. Get on the phone to the solicitor first thing in the morning. I want to slap him on your behalf.. though he is probably too addled to notice.

DD will find out who he is and it won't take long, children are never as daft as people like to think they are. I can't see the contact centre being best pleased and they have an obligation to refer it back to the courts don't they?

((hugs))