Contact with alcoholic father - what to do

fluffnutter

gotnodosh wrote: »

But what effort is he putting in? It seems to be me having to do everything (delivering DD to a Centre of his choice because it suits him) whilst he just carries on as normal, drinking and smoking weed.

I guess even pissheads get the chance to try to be a good father. I think you're going to have to see how things go.

You don't want to defy the courts, even if everyone can understand why you'd do that.

paddy's_mum

gotnodosh wrote: »

But what effort is he putting in? It seems to be me having to do everything

That's true and it must feel dreadfully unjust to you. However, by continuing to obey the orders of the court without fail, without question and without shouting your mouth off, you are removing any possible weapons from the hands of your ex.

Be whiter than white, prove to the court (and the world) that you are a conscientious and honest mother, struggling on doing the honourable, right, loving thing despite the shenanigans of this idiot.

I do believe in karma and I am sure that one day your steadfastness in the face of his provocation will turn out to have been such a valuable thing to have displayed. :T

gotnodosh

BitterAndTwisted wrote: »

Continue with the court-ordered contact. Your daughter doesn't know about his lifestyle and addictions unless you've been daft enough to have told her. She's entitled to a relationship with her father even if he is a useless piece of carp.

She knows he is I'll and drinking too much alcohol but that is all she has been told. I had to explain to her why she sees him at a Contact Centre so I told her he wasn't well and I had to make sure that she is safe. Not sure why you think its daft?

BitterAndTwisted

Not sure why I think it would be daft to burden a mere six year old with knowledge they're too young to understand properly? Are you certain?

Own_My_Own

gotnodosh wrote: »

She knows he is I'll and drinking too much alcohol but that is all she has been told. I had to explain to her why she sees him at a Contact Centre so I told her he wasn't well and I had to make sure that she is safe. Not sure why you think its daft?

Because he's BitterAndTwisted. :rotfl:

gotnodosh

BitterAndTwisted wrote: »

Not sure why I think it would be daft to burden a mere six year old with knowledge they're too young to understand properly? Are you certain?

Am I certain about what? That he's an alcoholic? Yes, very certain.

Tiddlywinks

Your posts are full of bitterness and anger - it's all about you BUT actually it's not.... the most important person here is your DD.

She is only 6 and your negative views and comments are only serving to confuse her.

Alcoholism is an addiction and it is tough to break that addiction... try showing some understanding of that. No, it wasn't great for you during your time with him BUT don't let that cloud your conversations with your DD.

Why did you need to say that you take her to the contact centre for her safety? You could just have said that that is where her daddy wants to meet her or that is what the court has said has to happen.

As to the visit taking up all day... what an exageration... it's 2 hours with travel each way... is that so much to give up to allow your daughter the chance of a relationship with her dad?

You need to stop thinking of yourself, stop undermining your ex in front of your DD and start putting her first.

kj*daisy

I'd do what the Cour says,if you mess with that he might take you back and might get ordered more contact time. He'll probably stop coming after a while anyway and you won't hav to worry.

gotnodosh

Tiddlywinks wrote: »

Your posts are full of bitterness and anger - it's all about you BUT actually it's not.... the most important person here is your DD.

She is only 6 and your negative views and comments are only serving to confuse her.

Alcoholism is an addiction and it is tough to break that addiction... try showing some understanding of that. No, it wasn't great for you during your time with him BUT don't let that cloud your conversations with your DD.

Why did you need to say that you take her to the contact centre for her safety? You could just have said that that is where her daddy wants to meet her or that is what the court has said has to happen.

As to the visit taking up all day... what an exageration... it's 2 hours with travel each way... is that so much to give up to allow your daughter the chance of a relationship with her dad?

You need to stop thinking of yourself, stop undermining your ex in front of your DD and start putting her first.

I do understand about alcohol being an addiction and it is sad to see someone destroying himself like that.

I don't actually say anything bad to her about him, she knows he is ill. I explained to her about the Centre, I spoke to the centre coordinator before contact took place and she agreed that telling her that its a safe place to meet her father was the right thing to do.

Contact is between 11 and 1 and with an hour drive to there and an hour drive back it does take up almost the whole day, especially at this time of year. He chose to move there, I am still in the same place I have always been so please tell me why I have to drive there while all he has to walk 5 minutes there. I will continue to take her but I will not force her to go if she ever says she doesn't want to.

I am pretty sure she will work out in her own time what a useless father he really is. No need for me to tell her anything tbh.

amyloofoo

gotnodosh wrote: »

Just wondering if someone has any ideas.

I seperated from the father of my DD who is 6 about 4 years ago. He is an Alcoholic and that was the reason we divorced. My DD had seen a lot in the time before we split and quite a bit after.

Congratulations on getting the strength to get away and on focussing on what's best for your DD. It may not feel like it now, but you've done what's best for the two of you and she will thank you in the future.

I used to let my Ex come here to see our DD and supervise the visits but this ended 18 months ago when we had an argument and I threw him out.

You don't have to answer, but what was the argument about? Was he drinking or otherwise disrespecting your child and home? If it was something significant like turning up drunk then I'd suggest you mention this in any further court action and make a detailed diary of any future incidents.

I then told him that he will only be able to see DD if it is supervised by someone we both agree on. So he didn't bother and he didn't have any contact with her for about a year apart from phone calls.

You've not mentioned how old your DD is, but this must have been confusing and upsetting for her anyway. What support is she getting (apart from yourself)? If she's of school age then maybe seeing the school counsellor could help her come to terms with the situation without damaging her self-esteem?

He then took me to court, thinking the judge would award him unsupervised contact. That was in July last year. He was ordered to do a hair strand test for alcohol and cannabis and it was ordered that he could call DD twice a week and organise a Contact Centre for contact. None of that happenend and when we went back to court in October he got told by the judge (a different one to first time) to get his act together, do the drug test and organize the Contact Centre or the case would get dismissed.

Silly man. Keep the records, in case your DD would like to see (for closure) when she's an adult.

So he actually managed to get the Contact Centre sorted and contact started in November with 2 hourly visits twice a month. It was ordered that it would take place at a Centre near to his home as he moaned that it was to far for him to go to one near me and as I had a car I was ordered to go there but he had to contribute to my petrol. My DD has indicated that she does not like the travel there as it takes almost an hour and quite frankly, it takes up almost all of Saturday for the contact to take place.

This is sad, but hopefully not permanent. I know it must be irking to spend time, energy and money accommodating this man (especially when your daughter shows no inclination of wanting it), but it's important to allow HIM to be the one to break this arrangement - not you.

We were due to go back to court in January to have a progress report and see the result of his tests. This had to be adjourned as he failed to attend the first appointment for his test and the results wouldn't have been in in time.

This won't go well for him.

So we went on Friday. He had failed his test, both for alcohol and cannabis and was a total mess at court. He actually asked for unsupervised visits lol. Anyway, my barrister asked for medical records about his mental health and his excuse for the first missed test was that he had had a seizure that day and couldn't attend for that reason. The only reason he ever gets them is when he withdraws from alcohol. I wanted to stop contact altogether for the time being as I don't think it is in the best interest of my DD to see her father for the time being as he has obviously not thought one bit about his daughter and carried on drinking and smoking weed in spite of the test or what impact it might have on his contact. I think he needs to hit his rock bottom to have any chance of being a father to his daughter and the only way to do this is to have no contact with her at all. My DD is not too bothered about contact, it has been so sporadic anyway that she doesn't seem to be bothered whether she sees him or not.

Okay, I'm expecting to be a little flamed here... but if he was having a seizure and he only has these when he's withdrawing from alcohol - then maybe this is a (moderately) positive sign? Either way, unilaterally stopping contact is not in your or your daughter's long term interests, you're speaking from anger rather than reason here. Whilst he shouldn't expect to have contact simply as a result of sperm donation, you shouldn't expect to be able to stop that contact (which has been court-ordered) simply because you're *justifiably* annoyed with him. If there are new issues which you feel the court hasn't considered then you need to seek legal advice.

But now it has been ordered that he can continue seeing her at the same Contact Centre for however long they let him (it should only be 12 sessions altogether, after that it's to their discretion), so really, nothing whatsoever has changed for him and he can continue on his distructive lifestyle without any thought of the impact it might have on his child.

We were also ordered to attend a Parenting Course, which is easy for him as he doesn't work and doesn't have anything else to do but I would have to organise time off and then childcare if it is outside school hours.

I know this must be galling, but these courses can be very beneficial, even for wonderful parents. Going through a separation is very traumatic, and as good a parent as you are, separating feelings towards *your ex* and *her father* is not easy.

I am speaking to my solicitor tomorrow to see what she thinks but I am tempted not to attend the Contact Centre anymore and let him take me back to court.

Anyone have any views?

Please don't do this without speaking to your solicitor first - I suspect I know the advice they'll give, but I'm prepared to admit I may be wrong.

I'm someone who was adopted and who has three wonderful half-sisters who've had sporadic contact with their alcoholic mother. I can honestly say that as much as my Dad wanted to stop them having contact with this toxic and completely unrepentant woman, the more he allowed and facilitated the contact, the more they came to their own conclusions about her. It's not been an easy journey, they're all young adults now and to this day she can still reduce them to tears with her words and actions (particularly when using their half-siblings), but they are strong young ladies who are sure of the love and support of their father and (adopted) siblings, and are now learning to stand their ground without anyone 'telling them' how they should feel about their Mum's behaviour.