Contact with alcoholic father - what to do

gotnodosh

Just wondering if someone has any ideas.

I seperated from the father of my DD who is 6 about 4 years ago. He is an Alcoholic and that was the reason we divorced. My DD had seen a lot in the time before we split and quite a bit after.

I used to let my Ex come here to see our DD and supervise the visits but this ended 18 months ago when we had an argument and I threw him out.

I then told him that he will only be able to see DD if it is supervised by someone we both agree on. So he didn't bother and he didn't have any contact with her for about a year apart from phone calls.

He then took me to court, thinking the judge would award him unsupervised contact. That was in July last year. He was ordered to do a hair strand test for alcohol and cannabis and it was ordered that he could call DD twice a week and organise a Contact Centre for contact. None of that happenend and when we went back to court in October he got told by the judge (a different one to first time) to get his act together, do the drug test and organize the Contact Centre or the case would get dismissed.

So he actually managed to get the Contact Centre sorted and contact started in November with 2 hourly visits twice a month. It was ordered that it would take place at a Centre near to his home as he moaned that it was to far for him to go to one near me and as I had a car I was ordered to go there but he had to contribute to my petrol. My DD has indicated that she does not like the travel there as it takes almost an hour and quite frankly, it takes up almost all of Saturday for the contact to take place.

We were due to go back to court in January to have a progress report and see the result of his tests. This had to be adjourned as he failed to attend the first appointment for his test and the results wouldn't have been in in time.

So we went on Friday. He had failed his test, both for alcohol and cannabis and was a total mess at court. He actually asked for unsupervised visits lol. Anyway, my barrister asked for medical records about his mental health and his excuse for the first missed test was that he had had a seizure that day and couldn't attend for that reason. The only reason he ever gets them is when he withdraws from alcohol. I wanted to stop contact altogether for the time being as I don't think it is in the best interest of my DD to see her father for the time being as he has obviously not thought one bit about his daughter and carried on drinking and smoking weed in spite of the test or what impact it might have on his contact. I think he needs to hit his rock bottom to have any chance of being a father to his daughter and the only way to do this is to have no contact with her at all. My DD is not too bothered about contact, it has been so sporadic anyway that she doesn't seem to be bothered whether she sees him or not.

But now it has been ordered that he can continue seeing her at the same Contact Centre for however long they let him (it should only be 12 sessions altogether, after that it's to their discretion), so really, nothing whatsoever has changed for him and he can continue on his distructive lifestyle without any thought of the impact it might have on his child.

We were also ordered to attend a Parenting Course, which is easy for him as he doesn't work and doesn't have anything else to do but I would have to organise time off and then childcare if it is outside school hours.

I am speaking to my solicitor tomorrow to see what she thinks but I am tempted not to attend the Contact Centre anymore and let him take me back to court.

Anyone have any views?

megan01

I have no idea or experience about any of this, I am doing a Law degree, but not doing family law. How old is your daughter, if she doesn't want to see him, can she not have any influence in all of this?

BitterAndTwisted

Continue with the court-ordered contact. Your daughter doesn't know about his lifestyle and addictions unless you've been daft enough to have told her. She's entitled to a relationship with her father even if he is a useless piece of carp.

fluffnutter

I think you'll find that he'll simply stop attending these sessions anyway. I'd show willing, as much as I understand why you don't want to, but by doing so, you're both complying with the court order and showing yourself to take this relationship seriously. In fact, more seriously than I bet he will.

He'll be pissed, or having a seizure or whatever, and he won't turn up. But let him screw up first. Then you can stop going, citing his non-attendance as the reason.

bizzybee

My solicitor summed it up when he said

"Contact is for the benefit of the child."

What benefit does your daughter gain from contact with her father?

fluffnutter

bizzybee wrote: »

My solicitor summed it up when he said

"Contact is for the benefit of the child."

What benefit does your daughter gain from contact with her father?

I guess you've got to take a long view of things. Maintaining contact even if that contact is difficult at first, or sporadic, will be important later on.

IMO, this guy sounds like a loser but I still think it's paramount to try to keep a relationship between father and child open. Unless he's a danger to her, or she's very distressed by seeing him, I think the OP should continue all the while he's putting the effort in.

Having said that, my personal opinion is that this will resolve itself (because dad will stop bothering).

gotnodosh

Yes, I get about the benefit for the child but really, is there any benefit of her seeing her father who is more worried about where the next drink comes from than making every effort possible to sort himself out and be a proper father for his child?

And what was the point of the test if all it proves that he drinks? Which, btw, all of you paid for as he is on Legal Aid.

gotnodosh

And DD has already voiced her objections about seeing her father in a Contact Centre and I am sure it will become more difficult as time goes on as there will be other things coming up that she wants to attend instead of spending two hours with her father.

gotnodosh

fluffnutter wrote: »

I guess you've got to take a long view of things. Maintaining contact even if that contact is difficult at first, or sporadic, will be important later on.

IMO, this guy sounds like a loser but I still think it's paramount to try to keep a relationship between father and child open. Unless he's a danger to her, or she's very distressed by seeing him, I think the OP should continue all the while he's putting the effort in.

Having said that, my personal opinion is that this will resolve itself (because dad will stop bothering).

But what effort is he putting in? It seems to be me having to do everything (delivering DD to a Centre of his choice because it suits him) whilst he just carries on as normal, drinking and smoking weed.

fluffnutter

gotnodosh wrote: »

And DD has already voiced her objections about seeing her father in a Contact Centre and I am sure it will become more difficult as time goes on as there will be other things coming up that she wants to attend instead of spending two hours with her father.

Yeah, of course. But she's six and six year olds aren't necessarily the best judges about how they should be spending their time. If they were, they're spend all day cutting things out, staring at the telly, not going to school and definitely not tidying their toys away!

It is important that she sees her dad, even if he's a waster. There's hope for everyone and perhaps he'll find redemption through trying to be a decent father.

At the end of the day, it's been mandated by the courts and I think you should show willing. As I've already said, there's every likelihood he'll stop showing up, in which case problem solved. And if he doesn't stop coming, then perhaps he's sorting himself out and will finally start to be a worthwhile father? Win win, IMO.

Own_My_Own

bizzybee wrote: »

My solicitor summed it up when he said

"Contact is for the benefit of the child."

What benefit does your daughter gain from contact with her father?

The benefit is simple.

She will never be able to say you stopped her seeing him.

My ex turned up out of the blue after being absent for 13 years (all my youngest ones live).( He left when she was 6 weeks)

She saw him about 6 times and he disappeared. She now knows what he is like and that we separated for a reason.

My oldest has asd and just wasn't interested in him at all.