The Giving Up/ Cutting Down alcohol support thread - number 12

Lilith1980

41_and_i_know_it wrote: »

Lileth, I don't know what to say. You went to your mum's ready to talk about one thing, and then the bombshell was well and truly dropped.
Even though you say your dad passed, and this was caused through drink, please do not be surprised if you do want to drink. I know you said it has made you want to give up even more, but you are a human being and we can be unpredictable especially when upset.
You had an idea of how your father passed, and now you know what really happened. I can't see into the future but I reckon that you will start the grieving process again in a way to grieve for the father figure that passed through drinking. I might be wrong, but allow yourself to come to terms with this information and please, I don't want you to drink, but I know of some people whose parent died through drinking and they found themself drinking even though they didn't want to and it becomes a vicious circle. I am not trying to bring you down, I suppose I'm relating to this because I always do the opposite of what I really want for myself. I hope that you will be able to cope with the next few days, I will be thinking about you, my dad is my idol too but he's still with me. Please, take comfort in whatever you need to do, I hope you won't drink.

My scores are 23 AF days and sign me up for the SNC please Mackeroo.

Hi 41, thanks for much for this.

I always thought my dad had died through no fault of his own and now I know that wasn't the case. I always thought he just went to the pub on a Sunday, I had no idea it was every night. I only ever saw him drunk once and even then he was merry and laughing. I think loads of things/emotions are going through my head, I think anger is one of them but I don't think I feel it at my dad, although that may come later.

I think I feel angry at the unfairness of it all. If what my mum has said is true, my dad went out to drink to socialise and not because he was running away from anything. He couldn't see the harm, until it was too late. And now I have gone from thinking that nothing could have been done, when really, he could have done something (i.e. stopped/cut down) and I now think of all the important points in my life where I would have loved him to have been here, including my graduation this coming July. I now know that he might very well have been alive now had he not drunk as much as he did. Up until now, I have accepted that he had died because he simply fell ill and nothing could be done, but now there is more to it.

I need to ask my mum more questions, and I will do, but will give her a bit of space too as I told her things she had not been aware of too.

I have not drunk and hopefully I won't as his has made me realise how much it can ruin lives. We lost a dad to it, my mum lost her husband, and my nan and granddad lost their only son.

I think you are right in that I will start to grieve again, I just feel so tired because I thought I'd worked through a lot of my grief and now it seems I have to 'un-learn' what I thought and start again.

I am already in therapy anyway so I am seeing my therapist this Friday which will be a relief.

Thank you for your kind words, they mean a lot.

27/32 AF please Shaggy

jak

Hi Mummy. The 12 steps of AA. Staring with 1. I am powerless over alcohol and my life has become unmanagable. UUmmm yes, I think i've got that one! When I think of the state I got in to, I shudder BUT it's important I NEVER forget that! X

mrsrainman

Lilith1980 wrote: »

My mum revealed that this was true

Apparently my dad went out to the local every night. My heart sank when I heard this. He would go just for a few drinks to unwind after work. I asked my mum if he was alcoholic or if he ever came home paraletic (sp?) and she said no, it was just that he would be stressed at the end of the day from work and found that just having a few pints with his friends helped to relax him so that he didn't come home in a mood. We were all young then and would be in bed when he got home.

My mum often nagged him that he didn't know his children. No doubt she nagged him about his health.

So when he was 46 he went into hospital, he had to have his gall bladder removed and the surgeons said that drink had done the damage. His liver was damaged and his pancreas had stopped working all together. He had acute pancreatitis when he died.

I am gutted and now need to come to terms with this. I also find this timely, considering that before my mum revealed this I had told her I was no longer drinking and had explained about my alcohol abuse.

Hearing about my dad has cemented it for me. He obviously didn't drink because he thought it would kill him, which makes it even sadder for me because he may still have been alive today, and my dad was my idol

So I am now definitely done with the drink. I know that for certain. I don't want to make the mistake my dad made. Just feel like I have been wandering around in a daze today because my reality about my dad and how he died, was totally different to the truth and it's going to take time to process everything.

This is what I fear. This is what I imagine will happen. I worry my little girl will be left without her Daddy. I wish I could show your post to MrR. But then he will know I have been posting on here and that would open a massive can of worms!

Big hugs to you Lilith

MrsR xx

jak

Hi Mrs. R . I worry about my sister. She also drinks like me/I did. I'm not sure how her drinking is now but a couple of months ago she was drinking best part of a box of wine through the night then going to work. She's since been signed off with stress and anxiety but is still drinking. She hides it by replacing the box during the night so her boyfriend (who hardly drinks) won't notice.
I think to be honest, you can't make someone realise, they are blocking it out. Mr. R probably does know he's got a problem, he's just not ready to face it yet. I realise that doesn't help much, BUT as you drink much less, he will be FORCED to examine his OWN drinking by your example. You needn't say anything. He will see it with his own eyes. XXX

41_and_i_know_it

Wow, I am shocked by how insightful everyone is, looking at themselves and others and learning new things. You have really opened my eyes and I feel so close to you all.
Mrs R, I really feel for you, however this journey can only be made by the person with the problem, you can contact Al-Anon and they have a great book called One Day at a Time I think which I used to read when courting an alcoholic. The first step as Jak said starts with realising that
we are powerless over alcohol, and Mr R may not realise that yet. Unfortunately he has to hit rock bottom and it is hard to watch this, you will save him and hide it and pretend to the world that everythings ok. But unless he finds his life unmanageable and needs help he will just carry on drinking. I used to buy my ex drink to the point where he was drinking neat vodka throwing it up and drinking it again, changing him when he wet himself and forgiving his behaviour which included infidelity, and sleeping with my best friend. Everyone is different, but if you are with him it is hard to hear this. Only when I left my ex he sobered up so all my hard work was for nothing as when I left he hit rock bottom and reached out for AA who he had no time for when I was with him. According to facebook he is very happy and loved up. I was with him because I enjoyed the chaos and being the person to rescue him. Hope this helps, not trying to tell you what to do. It's awful to watch someone you truly love and care for going through this, but really and most unfortunately they are the only one's who can make the personal journey out of alcohol.

41_and_i_know_it

On a lighter note
SHAGGY - My target is a BULLSEYE right through the eyeball of alcohol LOL.
Sign me up for 28 AF days for February or should I say NoBrewery.

Let's kick this drug well and truly into touch - FOR GOOD.

maman

rachelww1 wrote: »

26 AFDs here too. Went out to the local ealier and me and DH were asked if we could stop the Dryathlon early as they were running out of orange juice :rotfl: No chance!!

Loved this rachel!:rotfl:

Sending you a big hug lilith. I think you and your mum have been incredibly brave and honest to face such demons. I know you've said you have more questions but eventually you and your mum can look to the future.

Strangely enough, your post got me thinking: my dad used to go to his local every night too. When we were young children, it was quite late in the evening (9.30) and when we were older straight from work for a couple before coming home. My brother does the same but not every day (an hour late in the evening and just a couple of drinks). Makes you wonder about nature/nurture. I've always put it down to the villagey environment as it's very common where my brother lives. My dad died youngish (63) but from heart problems so who knows the cause of that. I think your dad must have been incredibly unlucky to have all those health issues so young.:A

I've had a few drinks at the weekend but definitely not over my (self imposed) limit. Back on the wagon tonight.

:Ton your medal jak. So pleased for you.:)

Lilith1980

maman wrote: »

Sending you a big hug lilith. I think you and your mum have been incredibly brave and honest to face such demons. I know you've said you have more questions but eventually you and your mum can look to the future.

Strangely enough, your post got me thinking: my dad used to go to his local every night too. When we were young children, it was quite late in the evening (9.30) and when we were older straight from work for a couple before coming home. My brother does the same but not every day (an hour late in the evening and just a couple of drinks). Makes you wonder about nature/nurture. I've always put it down to the villagey environment as it's very common where my brother lives. My dad died youngish (63) but from heart problems so who knows the cause of that. I think your dad must have been incredibly unlucky to have all those health issues so young.:A

Maybe around that time (80s) people weren't so aware of the dangers..I don't know. I just think my dad saw no harm in it, and then when he was in hospital it hit home. He said "sorry" to my mum, and my mum said that for my dad to say sorry must have taken a lot. Maybe that is where I get my stubborn streak from lol.

Wish I could just forget work this week, but it keeps my mind from brooding x

satchmo1

Hi Lileth, my heart goes out to you and I also am full of admiration for the tough weekend you have just survived, and survived it sober!

28/24 AF despite being away at the weekend.

Please put me down for 24 in February.

41_and_i_know_it

satchmo1 wrote: »

Hi Lileth, my heart goes out to you and I also am full of admiration for the tough weekend you have just survived, and survived it sober!

28/24 AF despite being away at the weekend.

Please put me down for 24 in February.

Well said, satchmo. Wish I could have put it into a nutshell. We're all thinking of you lilith.