How Do You Do It?

Justamum

chirpychick wrote: »

My Nan says that she had 3 under 5 and her house was always tidy, she always cooked from scratch and made a lot of their clothes etc etc so I am feeling a little bit like I must be doing something wrong.

It takes time to get into a routine with a newborn, so don't stress about it too much. It will happen.

I don't mean to criticise your nan, but she's not being exactly helpful is she? And as someone else said she's probably looking through rose tinted specs! My mum had four of us under 6 and boiled nappies on the stove as there were no disposables, but as has been said, people didn't own so much stuff in those days. My mum ended up having a nervous breakdown. It's better to have a bit of a messy house rather than be ill.

chirpychick

Fruball wrote: »

It could also have been the time (and my own mother and friends' mothers did this) where, as long as it wasn't raining, babies were wheeled down the garden in their prams and left to get 'fresh air' for hours And also the time where crying was considered to be "Exercising their lungs!" another one my mum trotted out to me when I had DS.

A time where 4 hourly feeds were adhered too, and the mother didn't worry or get upset about baby crying because she couldn't hear whilst she was vacuuming and baby was at the end of the garden until the allotted time was up :rotfl:

This is exactly it! My Nan says that she literally fed my Dad on 3 bottles of gripe water a week and in those days it contained alcohol :eek: and often tells me of the day she put him in the garden in the pram and suddenly realised it was thunder and lightening! :rotfl:

I had a very traumatic birth too (both baby and I nearly died and I ended up with a 3rd degree tear which then got infected and I also got mastitis and my hubby did EVERYTHING for the first week as i couldnt even sit so all i could do was feed my baby and she doesnt believe that now im doing as much as i should be and thinks its awful that i let him do all that!! But we had been trying for 5 years, had 10 miscarriages and so my husband WANTED to do it and WANTED to look after me, no new mother wants to feel as useless as i did in that first week. I am now almost fully recovered and she still keeps telling me off for not "just getting on with it"

THIRZAH wrote: »

Your Nan probably had a lot more help from family than you do. My grandmother did my mother's washing for several weeks whenever she had a baby and she was there to babysit too.I bet your Nan spent several days in hospital or at least in bed at home after her children were born and she would have had a daily visit from the midwife for ten days after the births. My DD had a C-section but was still discharged after less than 48 hours, she lived in a flat with no lift and the midwife still only called a couple of times.She found it very hard to cope.

This is true also, my Mum has tried to be helpful by sending us food shopping and texting me everyday but she hasn't visited since 23rd Dec and lives 45 minutes away, my inlaws would love to do as much as they could to help but they are in their late 70's and also live 45 minutes away (but don't drive and hubby uses our car for work) and my nan lives 4 hours away and again hasn't been to visit (UNDERSTANDABLY) since we got out of hospital, my dad is recovering from a brain tumour also lives 45 minutes away (all these in different directions lol) so we have only seen him once and there is just really me and my hubby. I do have one friend who has been trying to come and see me but I just feel too embarrassed about the house, however we have now made 2 "dates" over the next 3 weeks to meet up.

poppyjane wrote: »

Oh you poor thing. I've blanked most of it out in horror!! If you really do want to get things done (and can I suggest that you enjoy having a really good excuse, and try and get a nap when you can instead!) why don't you get a sling? http://www.huggababy.co.uk/ was the one that worked for us. While they're really little, you'll still need a hand to keep them steady in it, but that does at least give you one free hand. And it's a lot better for your back and sanity. They're in a good position too, so might help with the reflux. Lots of babies can't bear to be put down, so you might find it'll make our life easier in a lot of ways. Good luck!!! xxx

Thanks for suggesting this (and to the other person who also recommended it) I had considered getting a sling and you have helped to convince me of it

I really appreciate so much the reassurance from most of you! I have in the past suffered agoraphobia and clinical depression and am very aware of being prone to PND which I don't believe I have, I just really needed someone to say "you know what, its normal and its ok" instead of people telling me I wasn't doing well enough! I feel so much better today. I have written out a day plan and rota of essential chores and today we are doing so much better!
I think the snow doesn't help as we havent been out in a week so if i get a sling i can put my grippers on and go out for a little walk which will do us both good
Thank you again it means the world!

Justamum

Honestly chirpychick, you really need :grouphug: it sounds like you've got more than enough on your plate, so ignore any superwoman - even if she is related to you - and just do what you can. You've waited long enough for him, so you and your husband enjoy him (and try and nap when the baby does)

rachbc

you know what - its ok, its normal. I had a very straight forward pregnancy and birth and I didn't know what day it was for about 12 weeks. It does get better, slowly, sometimes so slowly you can bearly notice it. But one day you will realise you ate a meal with both parents eating with both hands rather than juggling and passing the baby, that you got to finish a cup of tea whilst it was hot. And then one day you will wave them off at the door of school and cry fto have all the unfinished cups of tea back. It sounds as if you have been through a really journey to get here - allow yourself time to adjust to everything. And very politely, and kindly and gently tell nan that her advice is neither helpful nor wanted. Or just tell her to p!ss off!

midnightraven3

my gran gave me valuable advice when i had our first daughter and she found me in the middle of a pile of washing, puffed out and not knowing what to do

she said
she wont remember if there are cobwebs, but she will remember the stories you told her about the hairy spider who put them there
and she wont remember if there were crumbs on the carpet, but she will remember baking the cakes with you that made them

she rhymed off a whole list
and it justified all these little things that together seem so huge
and she was right

priorities go out the window
a happy baby is much better than sparkling clean windows
you will get there
honestly

BAGGY

I havent read all the thread but thought I would put my two pen'orth in.
Mums that say 'my new born sleeps through, feeds like a dream' and looks like a super model is probably lying or has a fantastic support system. My HV said she didnt want to see me in full make up with a sparkling house as it meant I had my priorities wrong.
When I has my twins there were days when never got round to cleaning my teeth let alone cooking. Going to the loo without planning it in was a luxury. My next door neighbour (in her 80's and foster mum to 60+) used to come over and order me to go in the shower.
If the food couldn't be slammed in the microwave/bunged on a baking sheet and in the oven to be timed to end at the same time it didn't happen. I vividly remember dropping cheese and coleslaw on DT2's head from my jacket spud whilst breast feeding. (such a bad mother!)
Keeping on top of the washing was a night mare - even more reason to stay in your pj's all day so you can concentrate on washing their stuff. Wear sick coloured tops to hide the stains.
On a serious note, REAL friends will not judge you if the come to see you. They will not run their hand over the mantlepiece checking for dust. They will turn up with cake and that evening's dinner (like my bestie did) and offer to make you a cuppa and hang the washing out.
And one day, not too far away, you will realise that you managed 1/2 an hour of watching crap telly and being indulgent without having a wailing child stuck to you. Home cooked dinner wont seem a challenge after that.
Good luck xx

JCS1

Call on the help of close family members if you have any nearby.

When my eldest nephew was born, I went every Sunday (my sister's OH was working shifts) and my sister went to bed for an hour or two, had a bath in peace, etc, whilst I looked after baby. If he went to sleep, I would wash up, tidy up etc to help out.

I had a great time as a doting Auntie

scooterwife

I found this on here somewhere, I think it says everything


I hope that my child, looking back on today
Will remember a mother who had time to play;
Because children grow up while you're not looking,
There are years ahead for cleaning and cooking.
So, quiet now cobwebs, dust go to sleep.
I'm nursing my baby, and babies don't keep.

SamanthaA

I remember my ex mil apologising to my HV, about my untidy home.
The HV said she`d be worried IF my house was tidy, needless to say it shut her up.
Next time she visited, I gave her some jobs to do!!!

Tiree

Please don't be too hard on yourself it all just takes time to get used to. I'd defintely recommend a sling I had a baby who cried the minute you put her down and was lent a wilkinet by a friend
http://www.wilkinet.co.uk/. The beauty of this sling is you can use it like a papoose and strap the baby to your back so they have the closeness they crave but you have 2 hands free to do something else with.

It will get easier with time. Take care of yourself by sleeping when the baby does and taking up every offer of help you can get.

let us know how you get on.