Narcissistic mother - Making sense of it all.. :(

tenke

I have a Narcissistic mother and going through the painful process to make sense of it all, I have found this source online, which clears up many things.

Though the pain, doesnt go away, at least seeing your life black and white, can help to bring some understanding to your soul.

I have decided to share it here, in case it helps other people as well:o

Best virtual vibes to all

http://parrishmiller.com/narcissists.html

365days

Good link. I have a narcisstic neighbour and it's been tough. However I can just ignore her. Having a narcisstic Mum must be far trickier.

Love the bit about projection; here's an example, HER guinea pigs died recently (Inadequate hay/straw/food) and she rang the RSPCA on me.

Having the understanding that this is part of her narcissism, and that the most infuriating way to treat one is to ignore them helps a lot.

Without that understanding I would of been knocking on her door looking for a row, thereby giving her EXACTLY what she wants....Drama and attention.

happyhaddock_2

Hi tenke, sorry to hear your struggling, i know exactly what you are going through. I stopped having any contact with my mum last april, I am nearly 50 now, but just couldnt carry on with her negativity any longer.

There is a very long thread on here called 'i dont like my mother' which has got a lot of very helpful advice in and shows how common a problem it is. Take care x

tenke

happyhaddock wrote: »

Hi tenke, sorry to hear your struggling, i know exactly what you are going through. I stopped having any contact with my mum last april, I am nearly 50 now, but just couldnt carry on with her negativity any longer.

There is a very long thread on here called 'i dont like my mother' which has got a lot of very helpful advice in and shows how common a problem it is. Take care x

I have done the same ( kinda..:().

I am from another country, so the guilt that you carry is almost unbearable, but though it hurts me, just putting an act each time we talk hurts me even more.

At one point, enough is enough
Thanks for your kind words :A

PlutoinCapricorn

The "Narcissists Suck" website is excellent, and Lady Colin Campbell's book "Daughter of Narcissus" is very interesting.

scottish_lassy

the article is so so so true! I am now free as my mother died in 2011 but I had to cut contact many years before that for my own sanity and survival. Good thing now to know is that you can never make it better with a narcissist, no matter how hard you try .......... so, just don't waste your time and energy!! Thoughts to all that a still trying.

tenke

scottish_lassy wrote: »

the article is so so so true! I am now free as my mother died in 2011 but I had to cut contact many years before that for my own sanity and survival. Good thing now to know is that you can never make it better with a narcissist, no matter how hard you try .......... so, just don't waste your time and energy!! Thoughts to all that a still trying.

In my case, she is still alive and I have given sooo many chances for her to show some compassion, more when my health is soo bad, but she just couldnt show any.

When once in desperation i asked in one of our quarrels, crying my eyes out, why is it that you can't feel any compassion for your own daughter?? There is something wrong with you !!
She said, well I maybe I'm faulty !:eek:

This sadness about the mother that I was given, accompanies me everyday of my life..:(

scottish_lassy

Tenke, you have survived this far, which makes you a very strong person and by being brought up by a narcissist, you have to be sensitive to the needs of others, thoughtful, sensitive and even-tempered!!!! So without knowing it, your mother has trained you to be a decent person and these characteristics are appreciated by non-narcisissts.

When you are ready to let her go (and hang what anyone else thinks, they haven't lived with her!), your recovery will begin. It will take time to shed the guilt and the feeling of responsiblity - but you can let go of a little every day.

I do hope that makes sense - and is not just a garbled conversation in my head!!!

bacardi66

So many things in this article sadly ring very true for me. But Im not sure if my mother is a narcissist or perhaps has some kind of mental issues.

Ive never posted anything very personal on a forum before but I really want to share this.

I have never had a close relationship with my mother, now in her late 60s (Im in my 40s) When I was a child she would go off the handle at the slightest thing and I lived in fear of her. One minute she would be laughing and joking and the next laying into me with her hands or whatever else came to hand. She had a hard childhood herself and if she ever alludes to my childhood she tends to blame everything on that. I can never remember her hugging or kissing me.

She has always been very critical, making nasty comments about my weight (my BMI has always been normal), my appearance etc and loves telling me what a horrible child I was. I have two much younger siblings but she always seemed to take her anger out on me even though I always did the most around the house and looked after them when she was at work.

She seems to look back on things completely different to how they were eg she will say stuff like she was such an easy going mother when I was young when in fact she was scarily strict. I remember her slapping me round the face and screaming at me when she found out I had snogged a boy (I was 17!!)

When I was about 14 she started having affairs while still being married to my dad - she would tell me about these men and show me pictures of them, and obviously I felt very confused and upset as I felt I was being disloyal to my dad who I adored. But I was so scared of her she must have known I would never tell him or anyone. Looking back its something that makes me really angry - what a horrible position to put a young teenager in.

Her second husband recently left her (my dad died 18 years ago) and last weekend was telling me how nasty he was and we were talking about his behaviour over the years, he was very unpleasant to several family members and to her - she said that it was good to talk about his bad behaviour and that it made her feel better about the separation.

Then the next day she wrote me a letter saying how unsupportive I had been and how I had upset her by saying how horrible he was!

I really can't win with her, it has been like this all my life with things being turned around back on me. I have tried so hard to please her but nothing has ever been good enough for her. I feel like calling time on my relationship with her.

Because she is so temperamental and turns everything around I have never been able to have a proper discussion about our relationship. I avoid confrontation just for an easy life and to maintain my relationships with my silblings and nieces - my siblings are completely unaware of what went on as they were so much younger than me and I don't want them to know about her affairs etc

It annoys me that even now in my 40s, have my own lovely home, lots of great friends, a good social life, a great job etc she can still get to me and upset me more than anyone else has ever been able to.

I have a really good life but she is the one massive negative thing in it that I just can't seem to cope with

scottish_lassy

bacardi66, Congratulations, the first stage of your healing has started ...... by talking about it!!!! I have read that you will never, ever be good enough for a narcissist and there is no cure for the condition. The only way to deal with them is to go 'no contact'. I did this naturally (after 40 odd years of abuse) without realising that it was the only way. Only others, who have lived with a narcissist can understand as outsiders usually only see the charming side of them - if only they knew!!!!!

tenke

scottish_lassy wrote: »

.

When you are ready to let her go (and hang what anyone else thinks, they haven't lived with her!), your recovery will begin. It will take time to shed the guilt and the feeling of responsiblity - but you can let go of a little every day.

I do hope that makes sense - and is not just a garbled conversation in my head!!!

Thanks so much for your words actually I broke down in tears, when I reached the part of guilt and responsibility..:(

It is like something toxic that you know is not good for you, but you still have some ties that only death will break completely.

She has not only tortured me emotionally, she also many times hit me, even as an adult, the last times even scratched my face, I guess to show me she could even leave marks for other people to see.

God this is soo awful, I feel so lonely, with no mother, no father, no husband, no friends, no pets, never thought I could feel so lonely.

At least I am sharing now, a little bit..