Platitudes and more platitudes.

motherofstudents

When my mum died I got a card from a relative who had spent quite a lot of time with mum and she had written 'Sorry for your loss' and signed it. Nothing wrong with that really but it felt like I'd been kicked. Now I just think she probably had no idea at all what to say. As someone else said, I would rather have people come up to me and just say something however clumsy, than ignore the fact that you are grieving.

It's not wrong to laugh, it's not wrong to feel angry or whatever emotion you have. We can all only do the best we can.

Elsien I was going to say how sorry I am, but thought you might lamp me one !
Really though, I hope you begin to feel better able to deal with people.

Wellyboots6

I know how you feel elsien.
Tyson is currently very ill at the vets and I am holding it together, just.
I can handle people saying 'so sorry' at the moment but that is about it.
I am struggling not to burst in to tears each time someone says how they hope he gets well soon, as I know it is highly unlikely he will, and even if he recovers from his op enough to come home he is now on borrowed time.
I know he is a dog and not a person, but he is my family.
Just grit your teeth, thank them and turn away. That is how I am dealing with it!

Sommer43

I hae enjoyed this thread. OP, you remind me of my grandmother, when my grandfather died, he was an alcoholic and a gambler, but she was tough and he loved her. She loved him. At his funeral, she was sitting with us, and two friends were behind her and they were whispering that my grandmother wasn't crying. My G, heard them, sharp as a bobbin she was, she turned to them and said:

"I have cried over that man for 57 years, no more" and proceeded to play Stayin Alive" as his funeral procession song... It was said with love, but she meant it.

I believe there is such a thing as conditioned bull**** and people feel compelled to come out with something politically correct. You see it on facebook, when a person reports a loss, and the outpouring which follows is immense, "I am sorry" "They are in a better place" " It was for the best"

You made me smile, with fond memories of a very, smart, wonderful gem of a woman...

It's about honesty, sometimes it can be brutal and it can cause chaos and hurt as we are all supposed to be a certain way. We are all supposed to be emotionally free, to be able to air our feelings.

I quite like inappropiateness, while it isn't in reality, unfortunately, today's "socially engineered" society" makes us have to behave appropiately. Why everyone thinks they are saving money by paying their gas and electricity bills by direct debit, when all millions of people are doing, is keeping the cash flow of multi-nationals ticking over nicely...

time2deal

I know the feeling. I have been diagnosed with cancer, and while I know people are shocked, sometimes I just want to up and leave the room. In fact.. I often do.

So many people say 'they can do so much now', and 'I'm sure you'll be fine', plus the brilliant 'please let me know if there is ANYTHING I can do'. There was a great article in the Guardian once about that. The reality is what they are doing there is creating another job for the sick/bereaved person - ie, think of some suitably not too tasking role that makes them feel good.

I think next time I will say - well, honestly, I need someone to go through all my washing as I'm struggling to keep up. And it would be great if you could come each week from now on to maintain it!

I know people are trying to help, and in a way they are quite shocked too so revert to platitudes. But it does drive you a little insane.

Elsien - like you I have one friend who I can be more honest with. He is constantly teasing me for 'playing sick', and refuses to accept the cancer card as an excuse for anything. Except when he thinks is can get us to the front of queues!

time2deal

Oh, and I think a better thing to say is:

"Can I cover for you in that meeting tomorrow", or "Do you need me to book a nice spa/treat for you", or "Do you want me to take the kids/dog for a few days to help". or "Do you prefer Red or White wine?", or "Do you need me to arrange a boys night out for your husband so you can worry less about him while you are dealing with this". etc.

System

Sometimes when someone tells you that they have cancer, or that X has died, or had an awful accident it is hard to know what to say. You want to talk, to be a friend, to ask things, but at the same time you don't want to be intrusive or for your words to come out in the wrong way. You also feel helpless because there is nothing you can do to take that person's suffering away.

I don't think I would like the pressure of all and sundry knowing and asking about something that was very painful to me and that I was finding hard to deal with. If I heard platitudes I would feel that people didn't understand. But building a wall around yourself is not the best thing, either. You can shut people out, but by doing so you might be shutting yourself in.

fluffnutter

avogadro wrote: »

Sometimes when someone tells you that they have cancer, or that X has died, or had an awful accident it is hard to know what to say. You want to talk, to be a friend, to ask things, but at the same time you don't want to be intrusive or for your words to come out in the wrong way. You also feel helpless because there is nothing you can do to take that person's suffering away.

I completely agree. Personally I think that 'I'm sorry. I don't know what to say' is better than a platitude. I guess that's why I'm finding it easy to understand how elsien feels.

I would much rather someone just admitted that they don't have the words than resorted to hackneyed phrases that are so overused as to have lost their meaning decades ago.

fluffnutter

time2deal wrote: »

Oh, and I think a better thing to say is:

"Can I cover for you in that meeting tomorrow", or "Do you need me to book a nice spa/treat for you", or "Do you want me to take the kids/dog for a few days to help". or "Do you prefer Red or White wine?", or "Do you need me to arrange a boys night out for your husband so you can worry less about him while you are dealing with this". etc.

Totally the right things to say. Offers of practical help are too thin on the ground, yet everyone finds it easy to put on the 'grief' face, lower their voice a touch and trot out 'I'm so sorry'.

I wouldn't give a monkey's whether you're sorry or not. I want help and support, not sympathy that doesn't sound all that sincere.

cavework

time2deal wrote: »

I know the feeling. I have been diagnosed with cancer, and while I know people are shocked, sometimes I just want to up and leave the room. In fact.. I often do.

So many people say 'they can do so much now', and 'I'm sure you'll be fine', plus the brilliant 'please let me know if there is ANYTHING I can do'. There was a great article in the Guardian once about that. The reality is what they are doing there is creating another job for the sick/bereaved person - ie, think of some suitably not too tasking role that makes them feel good.

I think next time I will say - well, honestly, I need someone to go through all my washing as I'm struggling to keep up. And it would be great if you could come each week from now on to maintain it!

I know people are trying to help, and in a way they are quite shocked too so revert to platitudes. But it does drive you a little insane.

Elsien - like you I have one friend who I can be more honest with. He is constantly teasing me for 'playing sick', and refuses to accept the cancer card as an excuse for anything. Except when he thinks is can get us to the front of queues!

That is exactly what my Best friend said to me. We had planned a bungie jump when she was first diagnosed because she decided she did not need to pay for the insurance.
She told me she wanted a bright and fun funeral .. we did discuss everyone wearing clown outfits but agreed that I would get all the flak afterwards and she would get off scott free :rotfl:
I miss her so much
xxx

elsien

Well it's funeral arrangements day today.
And my relative has apparently left instructions that there is to be no eulogy as they'd been to too many funerals where they didn't recognise the person being talked about as they were suddenly only being remembered as sweetness and light. A person after my own heart after all. And no wake. Which is sad as it does deprive me of the chance to say "well they could be a cantankerous old bat but they were a huge part of my life and I loved them regardless."
So we've settled instead on "when I am old I shall wear purple" as a reading. Seems very apt somehow.

And thank you all for sharing your stories - I started off in tears and ended up smiling. See - not such a hard hearted cow after all!