Platitudes and more platitudes.

elsien

A close relative died on Tuesday.
Now I'm not a touchy feely person - if I had autism I'd probably be described as tactile defensive, and I don't really "do" sympathy. Work is fine - I've told colleagues not to be nice to me and they've taken me at my word. Which is brilliant as far as coping goes.
However friends, relatives and acquaintances are a different story. And if I hear one more person say in that horribly caring tone of voice "it was for the best, they're in a better place" I am going to seriously do someone a mischief. It just makes me want to slap them.
I know people are trying to help and probably don't know what to say. But honestly, I'd rather they didn't say anything other than "sorry to hear about X." And leave it at that. At this rate I'm going to end up being really rude to someone who's only trying to be nice.

Vent over -just needed to get it out of my system anonymously.

fluffnutter

People rely on platitudes because they don't know what to say. Overuse of said platitudes just makes them sound unoriginal at best and insincere at worst. Similarly people get hung up on etiquette - they've heard 'so sorry for you loss, they're in a better place' said so many times that they believe it's the done thing to say and that the best funeral isn't complete without everyone behaving in these expected ways. Familiarity oils the wheels of social contact unfortunately and you always get people trotting out the same old, same old when people are in hospital, have died, are bereaved, at funerals etc. I suspect the thought is genuine, even if the way it's expressed isn't.

cavework

Perhaps they are in a better place? Have you thought of that ?
Platitudes can also be a mark of respect for you and your loved one.
I think you should stop being so judgemental and accept that these people have at least taken the time to acknowledge your loss instead of ignoring you because they don't have the exact words you require to express their sympathy.

an9i77

I think I'd rather someone said something than nothing - it shows they care, even if they are not aware of the best way to say it.
I'd be glad that people are concerned enough to make a comment in the first place!

fluffnutter

cavework wrote: »

Perhaps they are in a better place? Have you thought of that ?
Platitudes can also be a mark of respect for you and your loved one.
I think you should stop being so judgemental and accept that these people have at least taken the time to acknowledge your loss instead of ignoring you because they don't have the exact words you require to express their sympathy.

Ouch! I think it's OK for elsien to feel however she feels personally, and that includes feeling angry at people for using what she feels are platitudes. Perhaps she is being a little unforgiving, but she's just lost a close relative, !!!!!!. I'd not be in the best mood either.

cavework

and I have lost my Dad on the 7th Jan and my best friend on the 9th but I can still appreciate it when people take the time to express their feelings for my loss

j.e.j.

Grief comes out in different ways and OP has been bereaved very recently. I can understand why comments like 'it was for the best' would infuriate someone, especially someone who is hurting inside already. And as for the 'better place' well that depends on your beliefs, doesn't it.

Perhaps they mean well, but I think OP you are going to have to try and tactfully say something before you do actually explode at someone. Personally I find comments like 'it was for the best' a bit crass, tbh. One of my rellies said that when my grandad died, and I think they were saying it to reassure themselves more than me. That was how they managed to comfort themselves, I suppose.

cavework

Its tough OP but please don't get angry at the people who are trying their best in their own way to say " I am trying to understand how hard it is for you at the moment"
They are showing kindness and concern..
I am sorry that you are having to deal with the death of someone you loved and I do understand why you are feeling this way at the moment.
xx

elsien

I'm aware I'm not being entirely reasonable at the moment. Which is why I'm on here letting rip which I considered to be better than being rude to people I'm face to face with who I do realise are trying to help. So judgemental or not, tough, it's how I feel. I'm not offending anyone I know, which is the important bit.

But social convention or not, it is coming across as insincere. Which grates. A lot. Even though I know why people are saying it.
And those who know me know I'm not a believer and the better place thing just isn't meaningful to me. If anyone wants to try to make me feel better, just don't spout things at me that you know I don't believe.

I'm aware of how intolerant I sound. Which for me is the beauty of an anonymous internet forum. It's a way of getting things out of the system which at the moment can't be said in real life. So if you don't like it, I don't actually care right now.

Edit - that sounds really rude. Sorry, not trying to be offensive. Just honest.

cavework

I admire your honesty but I think and this is only my opinion, that when you lose someone , you are raw , you don't want hypocrisy as you see it .
But some people do have religious beliefs and their "platitudes" reinforce their beliefs of an afterlife for them
Not sure if the person you have lost did believe in God but my Dad did and no matter what I believe in, this is about him and not me. I will allow anyone to express in any way their sadness that he has died.

j.e.j.

I don't think you are rude, elsien. Feel free to come on here and let it out!

The trouble is, at a time like this, everybody is hurting, everybody is grieving, and replying to someone's insincere niceties with sincere anger could ignite a situation which will be hard to rectify. If you need time and space to yourself, you can always tell them that.