Platitudes and more platitudes.

elsien

As long as it means I can still punch people if I need to.

I don't want to be considerate of other people's feeling's, I've got enough of my own to contend with. (And before anyone says it, yes I do know how selfish that sounds.)

The only family member on my wavelength at the moment is a sibling. We spent a wildly inappropriate half hour on google yesterday looking up the tackiest funeral wreaths we could find. While the rest of the family is still being respectful, tactful and all the rest of it.
Funny how coping mechanisms can differ so much much between people in the same family and same situation.

Person_one

elsien wrote: »

I don't want to be considerate of other people's feeling's, I've got enough of my own to contend with. (And before anyone says it, yes I do know how selfish that sounds.)

I get it, I do, but just don't burn bridges with well meaning people. You'd almost certainly be sorry you did later on.

Most people are more forgiving when someone is newly bereaved, but they also forget more quickly and expect you to be back to normal when you're still just trying to get through the day without falling to pieces or smashing windows.

wik

elsien, good for you and your sibling....
before mum died she told me she had made a list of music for funeral...
well what a laugh my brother and I had!!!! She had left a list that would have lasted an hour an a half!! with no time for anything else...
we sat and laughed and joked about the perfect playlist!
wik x

lionheartedgirl

I picked up the Virginia Ironside book in Waterstones the other week, following some very delayed reactions to a horrific breakup a couple of years ago.

I know a breakup is nowhere near comparable to a death in the family or of a partner, but this was a full-on car-wreck Jeremy Kyle-esque cancelled wedding with ruberneckers, gossips, moral judgement being cast left right and centre and everyone had an opinion.

The amount of platitudes that came out following that made me want to commit acts that would see me in prison for a very long time. Friends I thought were friends came out with the immortal "it's for the best, call me if there's anything I can do" line, hmmmm not like I'm going to do that now is it.

It's an excellent book. I accept that people want to demonstrate their sadness for you but don't know what to say. I don't know there is a 'right' thing to say, everyone goes through it in their own way. I think all you can do is to try and accept that they are trying to find a way to express their sadness.

One of my friends said to me after her mum died, I wish people would just say something. The worst has already happened, nothing they say can actually make it any worse. But I bet she still felt like lamping a few people I'm sure :cool:

OP I am thinking of you. X

Errata

wik wrote: »

elsien, good for you and your sibling....
before mum died she told me she had made a list of music for funeral...
well what a laugh my brother and I had!!!! She had left a list that would have lasted an hour an a half!! with no time for anything else...
we sat and laughed and joked about the perfect playlist!
wik x

I nearly had to chew the insides of my cheeks until they bled when I saw my brother's floral tribute for mum. It wouldn't have been out of place at My Big Fat Gypsy Funeral. But folks is folks, and we all feel differently, there's no right way and no wrong way.

barbarawright

At my brother's funeral, a relative said 'Apart from this, are you enjoying your holiday'. Fortunately I found this genuinely hilarious ...

[Deleted User]

I know how you feel, it's hard enough dealing with yourself and your feelings.

When my dad died 9 years ago, as my sister and I pulled up in the car at the crem, there were so many people there we were a bit "overwhelmed" and went into the loos at the chapel to have a cry and then freshen up before the service - in walks my aunt (my dad's sister) and says "what are you two crying about", I have to admit it was so absurd we got the giggles - there's nowt as queer as folk.

Hermia

74jax wrote: »

I remember getting fed up of people saying 'if you need anything'. I would say 'like what'? Then when I would say a pint of milk, or whatever, they wouldn't have time.

Oooh, that drove me mad as well. Don't offer help if you are not prepared to help!

The thing that really annoyed me is the Christians who witter on about religion when they know you are not religious. I'm an atheist as was my father and my mother was an agnostic. Yet, when both of them died I had people wittering on about religion to me. The worst was the person who said I should be happy that my mum was dead because she is with God. You just don't say that to a relatively young person who has lost their only close relative! I genuinely don't get it. I have a friend who is a Buddhist and she doesn't go up to recently-bereaved non-Buddhists and start wittering on about reincarnation to them.

I find it all strange because bereavement is an experience most people will go through yet it's an experience where people can be really crass. It really surprises me how unsympathetic people who have never been bereaved can be. Surely they can imagine what it would be like?!

Person_one

Hermia wrote: »

I find it all strange because bereavement is an experience most people will go through yet it's an experience where people can be really crass. It really surprises me how unsympathetic people who have never been bereaved can be. Surely they can imagine what it would be like?!

Everyone is different though, that's the whole problem!

Even two people who've lost the same relationship, at the same age, in the same circumstances won't have had the same experience of grief and probably still wouldn't know exactly what to say to each other.

Hermia

Person_one wrote: »

Everyone is different though, that's the whole problem!

Even two people who've lost the same relationship, at the same age, in the same circumstances won't have had the same experience of grief and probably still wouldn't know exactly what to say to each other.

I suppose I was talking more about the "haven't you got over it yet" people who say that two weeks after the funeral. What stuns me is that these are often people who have lots of loved ones, but apparantly assume they will get over the death of their mother/partner/sister in a fortnight!