mother in law - ignoring us since i became pregnant

daphne_descends

I've debated about posting about this for a while now, partly because I thought it was silly and partly because I thought it was temporary, but I'd love to hear some opinions/experiences.

I've been with my OH for 18 months now, and I met his family quite soon into our relationship - about a month. His mum, luckily, came over as really nice, we got on quite well from the word go. She seemed to take quite an interest in me and when OH moved in visited often - but not often enough to irritate me or anything.

We are not close, it has been mostly a polite acquaintance-ship (made up word?) but I thought she was a nice woman who was always welcome at our house.

Anyway, I fell pregnant in January, and OH and I decided to tell our parents fairly early on as we thought hiding it would be difficult. My mum pretty much guessed - although 'are you pregnant' is a frequent question she asked, don't know why!

OH's mum reacted, well, weirdly. All she could say when he told her was 'why?' - what do you say to that! She lectured him a bit about it being too soon and us not having bought our own place - now this sort of talk might be appropriate PRE-conception but it left me a bit miffed that she would say those things once I was already pregnant.

Basically since then she has pretty much ignored us. About a week after OH told her she dropped by with a card and a baby name book - but didn't come in for a cup of tea or even set foot inside the house! So I thought that was a bit of an empty gesture in the end.

I've heard my OH on the phone (not listening in, while he is in the same room) and he'll say, for example, 'the scan is next week' and obviously I can't hear what she says but when the next thing he says is 'oh, how is that going' it's a safe assumption that she has not replied to the bit about the scan but changed the subject completely.

She's visited once since he told her - on mother's day - and that was only because OH asked her to - she called and said she couldn't make it but he said he had a present and could she at least pick it up? She stayed for an uncomfortable hour where my pregnancy was not mentioned. She gave us a bottle of rum, bought back from Cuba.

Obviously I've never been in this situation before, is it weird that she is being so... avoiding? She seems to have no interest in her future grandchild. Now my own mother is hardly the type to coo over babies or children but is still excited to have a grandchild or her own! Even I'm not that maternal but this is different, it's my baby, not next doors screaming brat - if you know what I mean.

Any thoughts? Am I over-reacting?!

EthelBloggs

Maybe she's jealous.. you've stolen her little boy away from her and now it's clear that he's been doing rude things too :eek:
Is there no way that you could ask her wat her problem is?

Congrats on the pregnancy btw

Tam_Lin

I'd ask her what's going on, or the whole thing will fester. Maybe she's just worried in case your relationship doesn't turn out to be longterm.

skylight

Its an emotional time for her too. She is probably thinking about every emotion and has thoughts of disappointment, wed-lock, money issues etc. because thats the sort of era she was brought up in.

MIL and DIL are not supposed to get on anyway! Keep offering small olive branches and she should come round eventually.

And if not, then its her loss.

bluebell13

Congratulations! A bit difficult to guess her problem really. Is he an only child? Does she have other children who are trying for children and cant have any so she feels divided loyalties? Can your OH not ask her what is wrong? All guesswork I'm afraid. Not very nice for you though.

vaio

fac73 wrote: »

Am I over-reacting?!

yep, or maybe she’s a miserable !!!!!! (bug ger) or doesn’t fancy being a granny

either way forget it and concentrate on what should be the most exciting, scary, joyous etc etc time of your life

Agutka

She has a huge problem with either you not being married, or with becoming a gran or maybe even with you :eek: . Your OH should really have a chat with her - one where he gets answers, whatever they may be. Although, knowing men he'll never do it. Which may mean you might have to.

Is she a big part of your life? She's obviously just avoiding you, rather than other reactions such as being nasty, which some MILs do. As it stands, I think it's temporary - it may get better, it may get worse.

Just don't actively worry about it. You've got enough on your plate. Nag OH to sort it out.

rls1973

hi fac73

i really hope you are able to sort this out with whatever her problem is, no you are not overreacting at all. if you can't sort her out, say to yourself 'i am deciding that i am not going to let this get to me'

we had a really similar situation when i first got pregnant, the inlaws totally blanked us when we told them. no reaction whatsoever, just deliberately stared at the telly:eek:
we had got on ok up to then, in a polite but slightly distant way, but nothing in particular had happened before that.

we were so shocked that we tried to act normal , then went home and cried.

they visited us after that, and acted totally normal, while we sat there like shocked numpties. we showed them scan photo and they said 'oh it doesn't look like SIL's scan photo' (they are obsessed with SIL:rolleyes: )

a few weeks later we plucked up the courage to say 'what was all that about?' and they denied all knowledge of it, the whole thing descended into an argument, they stormed out.

there was a bit of phone contact afterwards while we all tried to patch it up, but we still wanted an explanation, which they chose not to give.

so then we ended up not seeing each other for about 3 years which was awful, but ultimately we didn't have a choice as they wouldn't say what was wrong and we just couldn't get over it.

we patched it up eventually - only for our dd's sake - but we still haven't had an answer/explanation! we gave up on getting the answer for dd's benefit obviously, not their benefit.

the good news is, after the first few months, we no longer cared:D and that is how we dealt with it, it's their problem if they've got a problem.

when you are pregnant, it's hard enough, without family members acting stupid.

is it possible that your pregnancy gives her issues with getting older, being called granny etc., ? (my own mum had this little issue herself at first!)


wow fac, at least you got a lovely bottle of rum, the ideal gift for a pregnant woman:rolleyes:

claireandella

My MIL also went into denial when I became pregnant, in fact, when we told her we would have an addition to the family she asked if we were getting another cat!

I've been with my partner for years and she must have realised that children were a distinct possibility but, other than asking what on earth we wanted to do it for, and saying that she absolutely didn't want a grandson, it was hardly referred to. When I went overdue by a fortnight I can't even remember her ringing.

Things changed when I actually had the baby. My partner phoned her and she arrived at the hospital with her husband laden with presents, grabbed my daughter (yep, I managed not to have a grandson) and has hardly put her down since. She minds her once a week (plus)while I work and is currently rounding up votes for the competition she entered her into. I also seem to have risen up the popularity ranks by association and am now number one daughter-in-law (in fact, only D-I-L), simply because I'm mother to number one grand daughter!!

I'm certainly not complaining and I really hope that, when your little one comes along, things change for you. I made a point of letting her take the baby out regularly from day one, being useful and not being overprotective. I didn't get on particularly well with her before becoming pregnant but I made a point of meeting her for coffee and taking the baby out with her for the day so that they could bond and I think it brought us closer. I also asked lots of questions about my partner when he was little and her experience of having him. I do think babies have a way of being irresistible that brings families together- I hope it does in your case

daphne_descends

Thanks everyone for replying - it's a relief to know I'm not completely over-reacting.

To clarify a couple of things, OH is not an only child, but the youngest of three - so I've thought, he is the baby and I've taken him away - but he isn't that close to her anyway - says himself he's probably spent more time with his mum since he met me than before.

He is not keen to approach the subject with her - much to my frustration - but I don't want to push it. I think he is still waiting for her to come round the the idea - he says things like 'she's not the type to interfere' - well my mother is far from interfering but she's made it clear she cares and is happy! Could be an age thing... bit childish to keep that up though. For god's sake. She is not the centre of the universe and her age was hardly a consideration we thought of when deciding to try for a baby!


rls - that sounds nightmare-ish but I must admit your post raised a smile, you must've had the patience of saints to deal with that :eek:

I would LOVE to phone her up myself and ask what's going on. I really would. But I don't feel I can - I'm not nervous or scared of her, and to be honest I'd love a change of heart, I don't want to shout the odds at her just find out what's going on - but the relationship dynamic isn't one that allows that.

OH wants to forget it, wait and see, and concentrate on us - I am pleased that he feels this way rather than suddenly wondering if she is right! But it's niggling away at me because I don't think any 'excuse' for this is valid.

daphne_descends

claireandella wrote: »

My MIL also went into denial when I became pregnant, in fact, when we told her we would have an addition to the family she asked if we were getting another cat!

I've been with my partner for years and she must have realised that children were a distinct possibility but, other than asking what on earth we wanted to do it for, and saying that she absolutely didn't want a grandson, it was hardly referred to. When I went overdue by a fortnight I can't even remember her ringing.

Things changed when I actually had the baby. My partner phoned her and she arrived at the hospital with her husband laden with presents, grabbed my daughter (yep, I managed not to have a grandson) and has hardly put her down since. She minds her once a week (plus)while I work and is currently rounding up votes for the competition she entered her into. I also seem to have risen up the popularity ranks by association and am now number one daughter-in-law (in fact, only D-I-L), simply because I'm mother to number one grand daughter!!

I'm certainly not complaining and I really hope that, when your little one comes along, things change for you. I made a point of letting her take the baby out regularly from day one, being useful and not being overprotective. I didn't get on particularly well with her before becoming pregnant but I made a point of meeting her for coffee and taking the baby out with her for the day so that they could bond and I think it brought us closer. I also asked lots of questions about my partner when he was little and her experience of having him. I do think babies have a way of being irresistible that brings families together- I hope it does in your case

:eek: Oh my god! You poor thing.

I am trying not to be too negative about it - a colleague told me to be careful what I wish for and asked me how I'd like the other extreme - daily phone calls and constant cooing etc - and he's right, I'd hate that more.

I too hope that if things don't change then I won't be precious about letting her see the baby - just perhaps without me there for a bit...