dont know what to do - part 2

Sommer43

Joons wrote: »

And you're great at turning one night away into a drama, ie, sleeping in back of car, bus shelter - haha, I've never done this either! I've usually spent the night away fuming but sleeping in a bed at least, c'mon, a girl's got standards.

All I can say is, I envy you, I wish I had that with my partner and that in no way dishes my relationship - it's a good one and has been for nearly 11 years with as far as I know 100% fidelity from day one. However, because I love him to pieces and likewise, it doesn't guarantee we spend 365 days of the year together, we've had many nights apart, either for social reasons or indeed, yes, a disagreement and I can honestly say it hasn't done us any harm, quite the opposite I would say.

Now, saying all of the above, we are not married - now I'm thinking perhaps if we were, none of the above would happen - now I have really opened up a can of worms haha.

I'm off now but look forward to continuing this next time...:beer:

What is an opponent, if not an intelligent one? Married or not, it makes no difference, we lived together and still behaved the same way... There is no room for envy, your relationship works for you and it sounds nothing different from mine. I simply refuse to leave my home, so does my husband. Doesn't mean it is always wonderful. But there are few finer than him.

Ah, but I have never stated anywhere it does harm... Joons, you stated this, not I.

Mojisola

Sommer43 wrote: »

Now my ex husband? Whole different kettle of fish, when it came to emotions. He would move out at the drop of the first erm out of my mouth. He fought me from behind his parents, who always took him in and said "there, there, she's a very difficult woman and it is all her fault" Some of it was, I was a drunk, but equally, he played his part. I was the one left behind, bewildered, upset and angry, not being able to talk about how I was feeling. It was not pleasant.

It's not surprising you don't think the advice about moving out is a good idea with a history like this. Can't you see that what people have suggested to the OP is completely different? It's a once-off breathing space for him to decide whether the relationship is worth saving.

Haha, that made me laugh. He does this frequently, he's a bloke, he's always right... Stubborn, when things go wrong, it always down to "incompetence" and I have no idea what I am talking about.

How do I feel? Pretty exasperated. However, I don't move out for a couple of days. He is who he is, much better than he used to be and he takes some handling when his brain overloads with information.

But he is very smart emotionally, cares for me and is very protective over our home environment and loves his mother and his dog. We have our moments, we certainly do, but my way, is not to move out for any length of time.

But your OH does interact with you. You have your moments - if you'd had four years without good times inbetween I think you would feel differently.

accountingbod

to bring the thread back a little i can say that we did spend the weekedn apart and we are still living apart.
We did see each other on Sunday and have maintained comms since.

I came on here to ask questions and seek advice/experience and it has helped. We seem to have taken a kind of middle road to what opinions on here have been.

But it is right that we have battled with arguments for along time despite the love we both have for each other. To be honest it was either temporary split or permanent split last week so i took the road of having some space to see if we could reset and talk to each other without getting in to fights.

So far, so good (famous last words!)

I do agree with Scooby that it was also me that needed to get a bit more a backbone and that it is not just all her. In order to do this though space was needed so that i could start to feel like myself again. This is starting to happen.
I think the no communication thing was a good idea but it just didnt work for us.

What being apart has meant is that we can spend time together without the pressure of beng around eadch other all the time. This is what marriage is though right? Well i do agree but when things get so destructive that you are both constantly defensive then no talking or being around will help. Sometimes space is needed.

We are both working towards a reconciliation and if this time apart means that we spend the rest of our lives together with greater respect and understanding then it is worth its weight in gold.

My friends parents have never spent a night apart (Ever!) and they have been married over 40 years. Other spend time away and it is fine.
I guess what i am saying is that everything everyone has said is valid and if it works for them and to hear about how other relationships work gives me more confidence that there is no one pescription for happiness and that the way we are working this out could result in happiness.

She has invited me for dinner round at the house tonight which i am going to as she is also making the effort. I did say to her that i wanted her to feel like she could talk to me at any time and this wasnt all on my terms.

I'm happy with where things are going at the moment, feeling more like my old self and feeling more confident that i am gaining back the strength to be with someone and give them the love that they need and deserve.

Joons, your comment about not being volatile but 'passionate' made me laugh. My wife says the same which sometimes i wonder about...
I'm creative and a bit messy leaving socks around sometimes. I have said in the past in response to her passionate remarks that i leave my socks around not because i'm messy, but because i'm creative
Made me a laugh that's all. Because to me i am a writer in my spare time and creatives can be messy but i guess its about knowing each others limits and working to make sure passion does not become fire-breathing armaggedon!!! (joke)

Apologies for the typos etc... in a rush but wanted to write something as you have all been kind enough to support this thread thus far.

bod

victory

Enjoy your meal:D I hope it's not now having to watch your p's and q's , walking on egg shells or going OTT to please takes a huge amount of effort and can be exhausting

FBaby

I don't want to be pessimistic, but you seem quite positive that this move apart is going to solve everything and that you will be able start over from scatch.

You are much better now because you are APART now. You don't seem to have yet processed one bit about what is likely happen once you are back together, under the same pressures as before. You say:

What being apart has meant is that we can spend time together without the pressure of beng around eadch other all the time. This is what marriage is though right?

Indeed, without the pressure, but if the pressure is what is causing the problems in the first place, how does being apart going to solve your problems. It might help temporary, but not save your marriage. And no, I don't think that's what marriage is about. I think marriage is about constantly re-evaluating what changes you need to make to keep each other happy and harmony within the relationship.

Saying that, I really hope I am wrong and that being apart and realising how much you love each other will be enough to start again freshly.

accountingbod

That 'what marriage is about' wasnt wirded very well. It was meant to take the mick out of the previous comment not endorse it!
I agree with your points but i feel like if i go back feeling strong and like myself and i go back to how i was feeling then at least i know for sure.
With all the arguing i lost that and so did she. Im not saying it will work but im positive in that it was the right step to take if we are to have any chance.
Im not under any illusions but i have not positive like this for some time so its a nice feeling to have.

Sommer43

FBaby wrote: »

I don't want to be pessimistic, but you seem quite positive that this move apart is going to solve everything and that you will be able start over from scatch.

You are much better now because you are APART now. You don't seem to have yet processed one bit about what is likely happen once you are back together, under the same pressures as before. You say:



Indeed, without the pressure, but if the pressure is what is causing the problems in the first place, how does being apart going to solve your problems. It might help temporary, but not save your marriage. And no, I don't think that's what marriage is about. I think marriage is about constantly re-evaluating what changes you need to make to keep each other happy and harmony within the relationship.

Saying that, I really hope I am wrong and that being apart and realising how much you love each other will be enough to start again freshly.

Now, this and the rest of the post is talking my language... That's what my marriage is about. We look at our problems, we change for the better and that is because we both want to.

OP - I hope this works for you and your wife. And if it doesn't, then I hope you manage to move on from this, both of you.

Sommer43

Mojisola wrote: »

But your OH does interact with you. You have your moments - if you'd had four years without good times inbetween I think you would feel differently.

I wouldn't be in a relationship at all, whereby I had no good times. Why I have a divorce under my belt. Which was one of the most painful times of my life so far.

Equally, Mojisola, nowhere have I disagreed with advice, there is a difference between stating what works for me. I think you will be hard pressed to find where I have.

On a final note, I would not ever tell another poster how they will feel. I.E. 'Would' feel differently.

bagpussbear

Hi accountingbod, I read your original thread and this one too and just wanted to wish you all the best, and I hope you manage to work things through with your wife and you both can be happy.

FBaby

If taking the pressure off and making it easier to deal with eachother means that you can tackle your previous issues more proactively, than it is definitely a great move.

From experience though (including my own!), many couple make the mistake to think that as soon as things are better, affection and intimacy returns, communication about every day matters seems more harmonious, they assume the relationship itself is better. That is not the case as unless the issues are directly tackled, the issues remain just the same underneath and are likely to fire up again as soon as conflict erupts again.

The problem is that when all is well it is much nicer to enjoy it(especially when it hasn't be so for a long time) rather than using that time to bring up the things that are causing problems (even though it is the right time to do so).