dont know what to do - part 2

Mojisola

scooby088 wrote: »

On this thread and the other one we have only ever had one side of the story, anyone can say my wife is a nag and keeps going on and on and on, but we as forum users don't know the truth of the situation. We only ever get one side of the story.

OP have you ever considered recording your wife when she is having a go and then letting her hear herself when she has calmed down or stopped having a go at you. In you original thread I did say get a back bone and not to let it get to you and i still stand by that.

But if you don't take the posts on trust, there's no point having the forum.

Every post could be answered with "There are two sides to every story: we don't know you're telling the truth; it probably isn't like you're telling us so we can't really advise you."

Sommer43

Mojisola wrote: »

How would you deal with it if your husband wouldn't discuss a matter or, every time you tried to discuss it, just made you feel as if everything was your fault?

Haha, that made me laugh. He does this frequently, he's a bloke, he's always right... Stubborn, when things go wrong, it always down to "incompetence" and I have no idea what I am talking about. How do I feel? Pretty exasperated. However, I don't move out for a couple of days. He is who he is, much better than he used to be and he takes some handling when his brain overloads with information. At the start, when I first met him, I found him quite intimidating. But, as we got to know each other, I took him up and learned how to challenge him when he was wrong. He is handling things much better now. He had a heart attack at 36 years of age and I can see why. He doesn't handle stressful situations well. He was medically retired at 39 years of age, which for a man who was manually active was damaging mentally. He felt worthless and angry, so he threw himself into our home and this channels his energy. I just make sure he has plenty to do. I work from home, as I care for him too. He has unstable angina, which can come on at any time at rest or stress.

But he is very smart emotionally, cares for me and is very protective over our home environment and loves his mother and his dog. We have our moments, we certainly do, but my way, is not to move out for any length of time.

Now my ex husband? Whole different kettle of fish, when it came to emotions. He would move out at the drop of the first erm out of my mouth. He fought me from behind his parents, who always took him in and said "there, there, she's a very difficult woman and it is all her fault" Some of it was, I was a drunk, but equally, he played his part. I was the one left behind, bewildered, upset and angry, not being able to talk about how I was feeling. It was not pleasant.

What I want and expect from my marriage has never waivered, from when I was a young woman, to my middle age. Maybe that comes from my Granny, who was married to my Grandfather for 57 years and they fought like cat and dog, but she never gave up on him. They truly did love each other and that has always stuck in my head.

We all lose paths, we all fall off them, we all wonder about our relationships, but commitment, honesty, trust and respect and communication are the key for me and my old man. My husband is my best friend, he always will be, he is and that is never in question. Even at the times of the most spectacular bust ups. He may walk out, he may go for a drive, so may I, but after the heat, comes the cool. I always go home and so does he.

That's how I feel. You did ask. People will do what they want, no person is right or wrong. The OP is doing what he needs to. It just wouldn't be my way. But, perhaps you would like to highlight for me, where I have told the OP his way is incorrect... I'd much appreciate it.

Joons

Sommer43 wrote: »

Haha, that made me laugh. He does this frequently, he's a bloke, he's always right... Stubborn, when things go wrong, it always down to "incompetence" and I have no idea what I am talking about. How do I feel? Pretty exasperated. However, I don't move out for a couple of days. He is who he is, much better than he used to be and he takes some handling when his brain overloads with information. At the start, when I first met him, I found him quite intimidating. But, as we got to know each other, I took him up and learned how to challenge him when he was wrong. He is handling things much better now. He had a heart attack at 36 years of age and I can see why. He doesn't handle stressful situations well. He was medically retired at 39 years of age, which for a man who was manually active was damaging mentally. He felt worthless and angry, so he threw himself into our home and this channels his energy. I just make sure he has plenty to do. I work from home, as I care for him too. He has unstable angina, which can come on at any time at rest or stress.

But he is very smart emotionally, cares for me and is very protective over our home environment and loves his mother and his dog. We have our moments, we certainly do, but my way, is not to move out for any length of time.

Now my ex husband? Whole different kettle of fish, when it came to emotions. He would move out at the drop of the first erm out of my mouth. He fought me from behind his parents, who always took him in and said "there, there, she's a very difficult woman and it is all her fault" Some of it was, I was a drunk, but equally, he played his part. I was the one left behind, bewildered, upset and angry, not being able to talk about how I was feeling. It was not pleasant.

What I want and expect from my marriage has never waivered, from when I was a young woman, to my middle age. Maybe that comes from my Granny, who was married to my Grandfather for 57 years and they fought like cat and dog, but she never gave up on him. They truly did love each other and that has always stuck in my head.

We all lose paths, we all fall off them, we all wonder about our relationships, but commitment, honesty, trust and respect and communication are the key for me and my old man. My husband is my best friend, he always will be, he is and that is never in question. Even at the times of the most spectacular bust ups. He may walk out, he may go for a drive, so may I, but after the heat, comes the cool. I always go home and so does he.

That's how I feel. You did ask. People will do what they want, no person is right or wrong. The OP is doing what he needs to. It just wouldn't be my way. But, perhaps you would like to highlight for me, where I have told the OP his way is incorrect... I'd much appreciate it.

You mention at the top he has made you feel exasperated but you don't move out for a couple of days, I don't think any of us would, that's not the same as what the OP is going through.

Don't tell me you are the kind of couple that never goes to sleep on an argument as well.....sorry, you both sound lovely but I think you're forgetting that we don't all have the kind of communication with our partners that you are lucky to have - you say he'll be your best friend, forever - no guarantee of that I'm afraid but we all live in hope.

Sometimes spending a night apart is the best idea ever lol - at the time!

From reading your posts, I reckon you are one lucky lady.

Sommer43

Joons wrote: »

Abandon means never to return and I don't think the word works here, she can't possibly feel abandoned, sad, yes but this has been going on for 3 years plus if she feels angry, hurt and confused, him being out her way for a wknd might help her to put things better into perspective. It was a wknd apart but they still had communication so if she feels abandoned over that, I would hate to think how she will feel if they stay separated.

You make really interesting points but I think you're taking this wknd apart as something more than it is, don't you ever have time apart from your husband? Nobody goes into a living relationship thinking they're going to be apart when things get rough but when things get to the point that these two are in, I really don't see any other route apart from a separation, if you really want to be with someone, that separation doesn't have to be permanent.

My friends and myself have all had at least one night away from a partner due to disagreements, if you've never had that then all I can say is you've got a really good relationship! Having a wknd away or a night away doesn't mean you are not committed to that person.

Hi Joons

You too, make excellent points. But, I have to disagree on the term abandon. To abandon has varying definitions. Abandon, does not mean necessarily 'never returning' if you want to look up the definition, then do.

Yes I do have weekends away, have had plenty from my husband, but planned weekends, with my friends. That's a whole different ball game. We have varying interests, however, I would not leave him behind and abandon or shall we say "withdraw" my support from him. Interestingly, you say "she can not" feel abandoned? Do you know her? If she came on here and said she did, would you tell her "You cannot possibly feel this way, he only moved out for a weekend to get his head straight?"

No, I am not taking the weekend out as anything more than it is. OP wants time out, to sort himself out. If he thinks it will take a weekend to do so, then who I am to argue? Which I haven't. I have asked the OP some questions and I haven't disagreed with his choice, I have said, I, would not do this. Have I ever had time apart due to a disagreement with hubbie? Nope. I have faced it, gotten over it and got on with the business of being married to him. It is okay to disagree with the person you are married to, it is not cemented in stone that two people have to understand each other. My husband doesn't understand when I am so calm if the windowcleaner doesn't turn up on the day he is supposed to. It drives him potty, he will spend all day brooding on it and it will place him a rotten mood and the windowcleaner gets it for the rest of the day. I find it over-reactive behaviour and tell him to calm down, it is only the windowcleaner who hasn't turned up. Poor example, but you should hear my husband, he is appalling when someone makes him wait. He has very little patience, that's the nature of the beast. I can cope with his little ways and he can cope with mine. We have learned to live together, sometimes it is harmonious, sometimes we behave like two opposing armies, but I never would walk out and say I am staying with a friend or relative. This is my home, I live here. I didn't move in to move out.

My relationship is a good one, for me. Others might think it is terrible, but hell, it works for me, and we do manage to have some laughs along the way. He doesn't "make" me feel anything. Only I can make myself feel. He can say what he likes to me, only I can allow it to affect me. But I don't doubt my love for him and I don't doubt his love for me. I would if he were to want time out though. Again, that's me. Now, if he goes away for a weekend with the lads, then it is not because we have had a row. I enjoy my time and he enjoys his weekend. Vice-versa.

Has the OP had his weekend yet, anyway? I am really interested in how this goes... And I do hope it works.

Sommer43

Joons wrote: »

You mention at the top he has made you feel exasperated but you don't move out for a couple of days, I don't think any of us would, that's not the same as what the OP is going through.

Don't tell me you are the kind of couple that never goes to sleep on an argument as well.....sorry, you both sound lovely but I think you're forgetting that we don't all have the kind of communication with our partners that you are lucky to have - you say he'll be your best friend, forever - no guarantee of that I'm afraid but we all live in hope.

Sometimes spending a night apart is the best idea ever lol - at the time!

From reading your posts, I reckon you are one lucky lady.

I also never said "forever" I said always. Will he love me for the rest of my life? No, but I will love him for the rest of mine.

And what is the OP feeling? You have told us how his wife cannot feel Gimme some insight, then I can say. Oh well, moving out for the weekend was the right thing to.

Nah, I don't subscribe to cliches, such as 'never going to sleep on an argument' or even "trial separations" When I asked for a separation from my ex husband, I bloody well meant it. For good.

FBaby

In the end, what is right is what feels right for both of you. If separating allows you to refocus and see things clearly (as indeed, it is very difficult to make life changing decision out of anger or sadness), then it is right for you.

But I would say again that it is not just about spending time apart to diffuse the anger and frustration and therefore the outburst, but very much about working together to find ways to deal with them. If you separate for weeks, to be back to her feeling frustrated and you upset after only one week or two, it will all have been a waste of time and energy.

You really need to think as to why it is you find it so hard to communicate and why you wind yourself up that badly. 3 years like that is a very long time to resolve.

Joons

Sommer43 wrote: »

Hi Joons

You too, make excellent points. But, I have to disagree on the term abandon. To abandon has varying definitions. Abandon, does not mean necessarily 'never returning' if you want to look up the definition, then do.

Yes I do have weekends away, have had plenty from my husband, but planned weekends, with my friends. That's a whole different ball game. We have varying interests, however, I would not leave him behind and abandon or shall we say "withdraw" my support from him. Interestingly, you say "she can not" feel abandoned? Do you know her? If she came on here and said she did, would you tell her "You cannot possibly feel this way, he only moved out for a weekend to get his head straight?"

No, I am not taking the weekend out as anything more than it is. OP wants time out, to sort himself out. If he thinks it will take a weekend to do so, then who I am to argue? Which I haven't. I have asked the OP some questions and I haven't disagreed with his choice, I have said, I, would not do this. Have I ever had time apart due to a disagreement with hubbie? Nope. I have faced it, gotten over it and got on with the business of being married to him. It is okay to disagree with the person you are married to, it is not cemented in stone that two people have to understand each other. My husband doesn't understand when I am so calm if the windowcleaner doesn't turn up on the day he is supposed to. It drives him potty, he will spend all day brooding on it and it will place him a rotten mood and the windowcleaner gets it for the rest of the day. I find it over-reactive behaviour and tell him to calm down, it is only the windowcleaner who hasn't turned up. Poor example, but you should hear my husband, he is appalling when someone makes him wait. He has very little patience, that's the nature of the beast. I can cope with his little ways and he can cope with mine. We have learned to live together, sometimes it is harmonious, sometimes we behave like two opposing armies, but I never would walk out and say I am staying with a friend or relative. This is my home, I live here. I didn't move in to move out.

My relationship is a good one, for me. Others might think it is terrible, but hell, it works for me, and we do manage to have some laughs along the way. He doesn't "make" me feel anything. Only I can make myself feel. He can say what he likes to me, only I can allow it to affect me. But I don't doubt my love for him and I don't doubt his love for me. I would if he were to want time out though. Again, that's me. Now, if he goes away for a weekend with the lads, then it is not because we have had a row. I enjoy my time and he enjoys his weekend. Vice-versa.

Has the OP had his weekend yet, anyway? I am really interested in how this goes... And I do hope it works.

Ok, we need to disagree on the word `abandon` then, perhaps she does feel `abandoned`, I said, she can't possibly because my definition of the word means `never to return`.

So, you've never spent one night away from hubby due to a disagreement - amazing, I don't have any friends, including myself who has been able to do this lol.

Of course, your advice to the OP is based on your own perspectives and whether we like it or not, how we live our own life, tbh, you've never had to spend even one night apart because of a disagreement, that in itself, imo, actually means you don't understand how some couples get to the point where they need either one night or a wknd apart.

I totaly get what you are saying about sorting things out and not `running` away but believe me, I've been there and running away at the time is preferable to actually stabbing that person lol! That relationship lasted 13 years and we were constantly `splitting up`.

A lot depends on `your` personality, you sound pretty calm and collected, moi, I'm a bit more volatile, I prefer to call it passionate of course haha. Plus, if you're having a bad time with your partner, say he is treating you really bad, actually staying and `putting` up with it can be the worst thing you can do, giving him licence to carry on and do worse. Sometimes `going` away for the night give the other partner a wake up call, ie, buck up your ideas or this wil become permanent.

As far as I know they've had their wknd apart but still had communication, I think it went ok, not sure what the situ is now though....

Sommer43

Joons wrote: »

Ok, we need to disagree on the word `abandon` then, perhaps she does feel `abandoned`, I said, she can't possibly because my definition of the word means `never to return`.

So, you've never spent one night away from hubby due to a disagreement - amazing, I don't have any friends, including myself who has been able to do this lol.

Of course, your advice to the OP is based on your own perspectives and whether we like it or not, how we live our own life, tbh, you've never had to spend even one night apart because of a disagreement, that in itself, imo, actually means you don't understand how some couples get to the point where they need either one night or a wknd apart.

I totaly get what you are saying about sorting things out and not `running` away but believe me, I've been there and running away at the time is preferable to actually stabbing that person lol! That relationship lasted 13 years and we were constantly `splitting up`.

A lot depends on `your` personality, you sound pretty calm and collected, moi, I'm a bit more volatile, I prefer to call it passionate of course haha. Plus, if you're having a bad time with your partner, say he is treating you really bad, actually staying and `putting` up with it can be the worst thing you can do, giving him licence to carry on and do worse. Sometimes `going` away for the night give the other partner a wake up call, ie, buck up your ideas or this wil become permanent.

As far as I know they've had their wknd apart but still had communication, I think it went ok, not sure what the situ is now though....

In complete honesty. No I haven't spent a night apart out of my home, on a friend's sofa or on the back seat of my car, a bus shelter or anything. Neither has he. Our blow ups do not last too long. I make them not last long. I only have to raise an eyebrow and say "what a pair of flipping idiots we are" and usually that works for him and me.

Oh I do know, believe you me, my first marriage lasted 10 years, of him moving out for his space, in ten years, he moved out 18 times for space. So it is not I don't understand, Joons, (cor you're great at telling people how they think and what they don't understand, aren't you? :rotfl:) I simply don't do it, I don't have to. Leave my home, because of a row? Now if my husband wanted to leave our home, because of a row, then he can. I would think it barmy, when he doesn't have to. I just asked him, he wouldn't leave this house if I asked him to. It is his home. Nope, we are definitely together on this one.

Now tonight, he's out for chess, I am looking forward to a night alone, I can chat to my friends without him tutting, he can have a whine about how I drive him potty because I nagged him this morning regarding him spilling coffee over the washing machine. Am sure he will, that's what mates are for, to whinge about nagging wives...

Plus, am not always calm. I am just calmer about somethings than others.

Hum, just been reading the thread again...

Joons

Sommer43 wrote: »

In complete honesty. No I haven't spent a night apart out of my home, on a friend's sofa or on the back seat of my car, a bus shelter or anything. Neither has he. Our blow ups do not last too long. I make them not last long. I only have to raise an eyebrow and say "what a pair of flipping idiots we are" and usually that works for him and me.

Oh I do know, believe you me, my first marriage lasted 10 years, of him moving out for his space, in ten years, he moved out 18 times for space. So it is not I don't understand, Joons, (cor you're great at telling people how they think and what they don't understand, aren't you? :rotfl:) I simply don't do it, I don't have to. Leave my home, because of a row? Now if my husband wanted to leave our home, because of a row, then he can. I would think it barmy, when he doesn't have to. I just asked him, he wouldn't leave this house if I asked him to. It is his home. Nope, we are definitely together on this one.

Now tonight, he's out for chess, I am looking forward to a night alone, I can chat to my friends without him tutting, he can have a whine about how I drive him potty because I nagged him this morning regarding him spilling coffee over the washing machine. Am sure he will, that's what mates are for, to whinge about nagging wives...

Plus, am not always calm. I am just calmer about somethings than others.

Hum, just been reading the thread again...

And you're great at turning one night away into a drama, ie, sleeping in back of car, bus shelter - haha, I've never done this either! I've usually spent the night away fuming but sleeping in a bed at least, c'mon, a girl's got standards.

All I can say is, I envy you, I wish I had that with my partner and that in no way dishes my relationship - it's a good one and has been for nearly 11 years with as far as I know 100% fidelity from day one. However, because I love him to pieces and likewise, it doesn't guarantee we spend 365 days of the year together, we've had many nights apart, either for social reasons or indeed, yes, a disagreement and I can honestly say it hasn't done us any harm, quite the opposite I would say.

Now, saying all of the above, we are not married - now I'm thinking perhaps if we were, none of the above would happen - now I have really opened up a can of worms haha.

I'm off now but look forward to continuing this next time...:beer:

victory

I have to pick up on the 3 years of squabbling , it is a terribly long time, OP obviously stayed for love, in hope things could get better but I ask if the relationship was so hard to be in , that's not the way it's supposed to be.

As for the weekend away, it so emotional charged, the wife can feel anger, hurt, resentment, the OH can feel 'done in' helpless in saving the relationship which cannot be resurrected if its one sided whatever the OP does, the wife could feel she doesn't deserve this and the OP could feel unable to save anything