Death, Executor, and Grief

AE-January2013

Thank you all - what lovely replies and advice. I'm truly grateful.

Yes, it is unquestionably one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. But I am determined to continue and honour my Dad by settling his estate as best I can.

I have sent letters and emails regarding the 'missing' valuables and paperwork, but to no avail. Its nearly 9 weeks now, and I've had nothing back. I've seen my family in a shameful new light, and it's very very sad. They emptied his valuables in the hours after his death, whilst I was still at his side, saying my goodbyes. I don't think I could have prevented what they were intent on doing. I will write once more, and emphasise the 'theft' aspect, but I'm not expecting anything back truth be told. If necessary I will undertake to settle what is left myself, through ebaying, carbooting, overtime, whatever it takes. My Dad was the sort to have given to everyone (judging by the innumerable charity begging letters in his post!) and without reservation. He was a kind kind man. A Gentleman. He'd not want to leave things owing.

The grief - like nothing I've ever known. Its everything everyone says and then more. I just try and hold myself together, for the sake of sanity, and breathe. I'm so grateful to know that I'm not alone, and this is to be expected. But yes, nothing prepares you for it. Nothing. I feel more alone than ever, given the priorities of my family. They wanted the 'good stuff' - but I feel privileged to know I've scrubbed his floors and vacuumed the cupboards, cleaned the fridge and freezer, packed all his clothes in his suitcase, and stored all his everyday belongings around me here in my crowded little home. Even though it hurts more than words can say.

I take all your kind words of advice on board, and take it one step, one moment at a time. I've looked up Cruse, and will see my GP if necessary. I have some good friends, and work colleagues who are there for me. You see people's true colours don't you?

Well time to do today's paperwork, try to trace his National Savings accounts, and Pension. I'm keeping on keeping on whilst my eyes leak.

Thank you again one and all, much appreciated indeed x

getmore4less

I would think very carefully before personaly paying off debts if the estate does not meet all of them.(how much are you looking at)

It is a good idea to not pay out anything till the ballance is known since there is a strict order.

What sort of paperwork is missing are you suspecting they may try to get access to accounts or is it just things like receipts that prove that items belong to the estate.

For the moveable items I think I would just gather the proof that they existed and who has them now try to get an idea of value before deciding if you intend make serious attempt to get them paid for or returned perhaps get some advice on how to make the letters much more authoritive.

I will PM a forum that might be worth a post to see if they can help.

Purleygirl

Grief is a dreadful emotion and it really hurts both physically and mentally. Also when a parent dies there is a feeling of disbelief because you've never experienced life without them and suddenly you have to face a life without Mum or Dad. We all experience grief in different ways and there is no set time as to when you'll "get over it" but you will learn to live without him. It will be a different life, but it is your life. I'm sorry because, both my parents died and it is so painful. I think maybe you could do with a bit of support, have you got a good friend who would stand by you during this time and help you with all the form filling etc. Friends and family generally come into their own at this time and will be an enormous help to you I'm sure. As for greedy people, sadly, the world is full of them, but you have to kind of let it be, otherwise you'll make yourself ill. If you say you're finding it hard to breath, this may bring on panic attacks, which believe me you can do without. Take each day as it comes, don't fret about what tomorrow will bring, each day be strong and get through it the best you can. Have you heard of Dale Carnegie? His book is available to listen to on Youtube it's called "How to stop worrying and start living". Honestly it's like a shot of happy pills. Just sit down, relax and listen to the words. It helped me through a tough time and I wouldn't recommend something that's not going to help someone who is going through what you're going through. Grab your closest friend tell him/her that you're grief stricken and overwhelmed and that friend will be there for you. Take care and I promise, it does get better. Think of the good times that you had with your Dad and the loving relationship you had.

motherofstudents

It is 18 months since my mum died and I still feel the pain. You are not alone in feeling the utter sadness of loss. All I can suggest to you about all the paperwork is don't try to rush it, you have plenty of time to sort it out and it will probably help you to keep busy and occupied. I had a lot to deal with in my mum's estate and it continued for over a year. When it was finally all settled it felt strange, like I had nothing left to do for my mum.

You will start to feel better as you move from that initial awful, raw grief. I remember several occasions being out in the car and just howling, then after a while people expect you to be ok so you put on a brave face. Trouble is it has to come out sometime. I mentioned to the doctor that I was still crying a lot for my mum and she has referred me for bereavement counselling so I hope that might help. There are no quick fixes. It is hard to lose someone you love.

I'm sorry I don't know the right words to say to make you feel better, but I think you are doing a great job and I think your dad will be proud of you.

Valli

whitewing wrote: »

I remember after 9/11, hearing that one of the people who died had left a message for his wife, saying 'whatever you do is fine by me'.

That must have helped her through the most unimaginably difficult time. Thank you for posting that.

head_above_water

I cannot ofer you any advice, but I just want to tell you, your sentence about wanting to talk to your Dad and ask if you are doing it right struck home . this is EXACTLY how I feel, I lost my Dad late last year too and I am trying to sort out his finances etc and just want to ask " Dad what did you intend to do with this ? " etc. He had savings we didn't know about and I would love to have known his plans.
I have to force myself to go to work and it is really hard, TAKE CARE x

doodle-bug_2

So very sorry for your loss - much respect to you for picking up the pieces despite your grief and sorting things out.

I lost my mum over four years ago - my dad was in respite care (nothing wrong with his marbles, but some physical difficulties) at the time as she was was in hospital.

When she died, I had to step up and sort things out. My elder brother didn't seem to feel the need to help out at all. I had to sort out the full contents and bills associated with a rented house (lucky in that respect) but with no help at all. I actually resent my father for assuming that someone else would deal with it all - I would have been there for him all the way and helped him out, but this didn't happen. He said he was grateful (later) but to this date this has still not been the point for me.

I feel that I did not have time to grieve, and now it seems too late to start! I still feel very distant towards my brother - to me, actions are important, not words.

I hope that you get everything sorted out the best you can - you cannot choose your family and I know it's disappointing and hurtful when they do not act the way you feel they should. It's obvious your father loved and trusted you - this is what is important.

sophieschoice

AE-January2013 wrote: »

He was a kind kind man. A Gentleman. He'd not want to leave things owing.

The grief - like nothing I've ever known. Its everything everyone says and then more. I just try and hold myself together, for the sake of sanity, and breathe. I'm so grateful to know that I'm not alone, and this is to be expected. But yes, nothing prepares you for it. Nothing.

I could have written this two years ago. I always think of grieving as the price we pay for loving someone. You will have many dark days interspersed with the occasional bright one. As time goes on you will have many bright days and just the odd dark one.
If it all gets too much to bear go and see your GP. I'm not ashamed to say I had mild anti depressants for a few months and a short course of counselling. Do whatever it takes to get you through.
As for the horrible people, I'll say this, What goes around comes around. Mark my words.

getcarter

Hi, my mum died in July, the pain is still there, you just have to take baby steps.....talk to someone if need be, don't keep it all bottled up. Unfortunately death does bring out the worst in people, doubt I'll have much to do with much extended family now.......

fed_up_and_stressed

Yes you are right it is good to talk it through and there are no set timescales or order for grief, we are all individual.

I've nevr used them but I've heard cruse bereavement care are excellent.