Death, Executor, and Grief

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  • Without question, the kind thoughts and words expressed on this thread have helped me immeasurably. I've been so lost, so alone, and popping back here every now and again has been good - just to know that others 'get' it. Thank you.

    It is a very slow, painful journey, this road called grief. I'm mired daily by the practicalities and legalities of executorship, and this hinders and helps in equal measure. I like to be busy, but busy isn't always the answer. Being the executor, when bereaved and grieving, is very very hard. Doing it alone, in the face of family greed and hostility is harder still.

    I'm finding each task 'ticked off' brings new waves of tears and sadness, but looking back now I can see how much I have accomplished so far, and alone. His house is sold, his accounts cleared, I'm now sorting tax and other affairs. I can't bear to open any boxes at the moment, it is all just stacked here for another time, when I'm more ready. It's progress, but away from him, my lovely, kind and generous Dad. I miss him with all my heart, and I hope that I can complete his final wishes, as he wanted, the best I can.

    Love and best wishes to you all xx

    Well done you.

    The "For Sale" sign got me. We're now about a week off completion - and its horrid.

    And then I keep getting flawed by cash turning up in the bank account - £200 yesterday for Mums owed winter fuel payment. Just want to put it all in a box and open the box when I'm ready rather than bits here and there.

    Am going out for curry with OH when the final details are dealt with and having a large bottle of wine to sob into.

    Keep going OP - your time to freely grieve will be with you soon when all the estate is dealt with and you can remember your dad without those concerns.

    All the best.
    Who made hogs and dogs and frogs?
  • bylromarha wrote: »
    Well done you.

    The "For Sale" sign got me. We're now about a week off completion - and its horrid.

    And then I keep getting flawed by cash turning up in the bank account - £200 yesterday for Mums owed winter fuel payment. Just want to put it all in a box and open the box when I'm ready rather than bits here and there.

    Am going out for curry with OH when the final details are dealt with and having a large bottle of wine to sob into.

    Keep going OP - your time to freely grieve will be with you soon when all the estate is dealt with and you can remember your dad without those concerns.

    All the best.

    How are you doing Bylromarha? I too was floored by the 'for sale' sign, and more so when new curtains went up at the window :( Everything moves on I suppose, but it still can take my breath away.

    Nothing can prepare you for any of this can it?

    Hope anyone going through any sort of bereavement reading this is ok, and looking after themselves. I wish us all much strength and love.

    Hugs xx
  • Alex456Alex456 Forumite
    5 Posts
    The grief - like nothing I've ever known. Its everything everyone says and then more. I just try and hold myself together, for the sake of sanity, and breathe. I'm so grateful to know that I'm not alone, and this is to be expected. But yes, nothing prepares you for it. Nothing.

    Hang in there...
    I lost my brother 5 years ago and my mum 3 years ago.
    My stepfather then chose to dishonour my mum's wishes and he and all my stepfamily cut me out through greed and selfishness.
    You feel like not only have you lost the person you loved through death, but that the living people you thought you knew are not who you thought they were.
    It becomes a grieving for lost 'living' as well.
    I was pregnant when I lost my mum and before she died she bought clothes and things for my new , long awaited, baby. My stepfather and stepfamily refused to pass them onto my baby and also kept all my mum's things - not letting me have anything.
    I am still processing the grief and hurt.
    There are wonderful people out there though.
    I have battled hard for justice and spent a fortune, gems of people brighten my horizon.
    The people on this forum have been most kind and generous.
    So although your family may have let you down, not everyone is like that.
    Your father loved you and no one can ever take that away.
    It is with you always.
    Take care of yourself , for you and for your dad.
  • bylromarhabylromarha Forumite
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    How are you doing Bylromarha? I too was floored by the 'for sale' sign, and more so when new curtains went up at the window :( Everything moves on I suppose, but it still can take my breath away.

    Nothing can prepare you for any of this can it?

    Thanks for asking. :A

    Buyer mucking us around, so house still not sold. Part of his offer was to have completed by 14th March, so sister and I worked our backsides off physically and emotionally to get the house sorted for 1st March.

    Little did we know the buyer is messing around with his mortgage offer... the new application were declined, but he had cash to buy anyway. We are exchanging Monday - we told him he had to, or it was going back on the market Tuesday.

    So been an emotional wreck this weekend...yelled at DD before bedtime for no reason. :(

    It's the odd moments that get me, and I know will get me for years. Steeled myself for Mothers Day and was okay, but unprepared for hearing Living Doll on the radio the next day. OH found me in floods of tears singing along to Cliff and didn't quite know what to do. Neither would I probably. ;)

    Loads of good memories that had been buried for years are slowly coming back. Which is a good thing as they got lost for a long time, so sad it took Mum's death to bring them back.
    Who made hogs and dogs and frogs?
  • divadeedivadee Forumite
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    The grief kicks you in the teeth every single day. I never thought I would say this but you build new branches around your dad in the middle. You really do.

    I struggled on for over two years until the pain and tiredness and depression got too much for me to handle. I finally admitted to myself (something which everyone around me knew) that I had depression from the unexpected loss of my beloved pops.

    I went to the gp and got in touch with cruse (who are the most wonderful caring and helpful charity). I was diagnosed with serious depression and put on medication. I struggled to take it for a few weeks but did and it helped a bit. But the people I credit on giving me and my family my life back is cruse.

    It is very early days for you and it's so hard. You get physical pain from the loss and hurt you feel for your loved one. You cry at everything and anything. You feel that life will never be the same again, and to be honest it won't, there will always be that dad shaped hole that no one can ever fill. But new things slowly come into your life and you have new branches growing out of the tree with your dad at the centre. I am now at the stage where light and hope is the predominant feature but of course I still have bad days but they are honestly few and far between these days.

    Take time to cry, laugh and celebrate your wonderful dad. He is smiling down on you and he is so proud of everything you are doing. It's normal to cry, be angry, feel pain, guilt and numerous other emotions. Don't think it's wrong it's not. It will also take as long as it takes for you to feel able to start growing again. Don't feel (like I did) that other people get over it in x time. There is no time limit on grief and emotions (no matter what the Victorians said about a year of grief). It has taken me 3 years to get to this position, my brother a lot quicker than me (doesn't mean he loved my pops any less).

    Take time for yourself in all the hurly of organising everything and share your feelings with people. Don't keep then inside. The British are so reserved with their grief. Look at other countries who wail and scream and cry with abandonment at funerals. We have our stiff upper lip and keep all our emotions inside which do us no favours at all. This emotion needs to come out it is a release when it finally does.

    Sending you hugs as you are going through this time. Xxxxx
  • madbadrobmadbadrob Forumite
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    How are you doing Bylromarha? I too was floored by the 'for sale' sign, and more so when new curtains went up at the window :( Everything moves on I suppose, but it still can take my breath away.

    It will be 15 years since my grandfathers death and I still cant go past their house, the house I remember from a very early age and get angry with what the new homeowners have done to it. That said I also cant go past without remembering all the good times I spent there. Even now I can see the room laid out the chairs next to the fire the cupboard where they kept the biscuits that we would steal thinking they didnt know but now knowing they did.

    All I can say is that whilst you will never forget or stop missing your loved ones you will find it easier as each day goes by. My sincere condolences and best wishes for the future

    Rob
  • HollyberryHollyberry Forumite
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    I wanted to say a big thank you to the posters in this thread. I lost my mum yesterday, and this has given me some hope that the howling (mostly tears but occasional laughter) will become manageable. I know I'll get there in the end, it's been so helpful to read your stories. :A
  • I'm sorry for your loss :( Hugs and prayers.
    Love generously, praise loudly, live fully :)


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  • bylromarhabylromarha Forumite
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    Hollyberry wrote: »
    I wanted to say a big thank you to the posters in this thread. I lost my mum yesterday, and this has given me some hope that the howling (mostly tears but occasional laughter) will become manageable. I know I'll get there in the end, it's been so helpful to read your stories. :A

    Oh hun. So sorry for your loss. You will get there and you will find the strength to endure the next few days, and weeks, and months.

    All the best.
    Who made hogs and dogs and frogs?
  • HollyberryHollyberry Forumite
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    Ah, thank you both. I've been offline for a few days taking some baby steps towards getting some things sorted. It was lovely to see your kind responses. Today's been spent with our godchildren, and it's been fabulous to have some carefree laughter.

    I hope you are all managing as best you can. We have been so very lucky in the support we have been given from our friends.
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