Really upset and angry and cant work out why I should be.

paddy's_mum

swingaloo wrote: »

I cant get out of my mind that had I stayed .....

Had you stayed there would have been every chance that:-

1/ He might have injured or even killed you in a drunken rage

2/ He would have spent every penny on booze (as he has done)

3/ His behaviour (and your tolerance of it) would have so alienated your son that it destroyed your relationship with him

4/ When times got tough, he would have acted behind your back and plunged you into some disaster whether that be debt, sexually transmitted disease, re-mortgaging ...

Listen - he has not learned one darned thing from the breakup of your marriage. He has never yet reached rock bottom. Is it fair to say that he has carried on with New Wife exactly the same as he did with you? What's got to sock this man on the jaw before he decides to shape up?

I can most certainly understand your anger but I don't see why you feel any guilt .. unless by some peculiar alchemy, it is you that is directing his behaviour? No, thought not!

In your shoes, I'd be thanking my lucky stars that I was free of this pathological liar but also feeling unbelievably grateful for the blessing of your present partner.

Don't you find it interesting that two such different men find you a highly worthwhile spouse but only one of them is worth your time and consideration.;) Good luck.

londonsurrey

"Son, your dad signed away his life savings to her. It was his choice, a decision he made, and that's that.

If he wants to leave you something, he can arrange a good boys' outing together, to leave you happy memories, or start doing jobs to build up savings to leave to you. Again, all entirely his choice. You are entitled to see him for what he is, and to love him despite his faults.

Don't get drawn into his unhappy might-have/could-have/would-have discussions, and spend your time with him talking about enjoyable things instead."

dancingfairy

Hmmm... I have to be honest it doesn't sound very healthy . Why are you letting this guy get to you? You left him 10 years ago and yet he is still dragging you down (well trying to). You need to get your confidence back, ideally stop spending time with this guy and get some counselling to get over the break up. It honestly does sound like you've never really recovered yourself esteem or accepted the situation and you're still hanging on by a thread to his 'story' and his 'dramas', maybe hoping you can fix him? You have to let him go
I'm sorry I can't honestly imagine how hard it is but you need to move forward.
df

swingaloo

dancingfairy wrote: »

Hmmm... I have to be honest it doesn't sound very healthy . Why are you letting this guy get to you? You left him 10 years ago and yet he is still dragging you down (well trying to). You need to get your confidence back, ideally stop spending time with this guy and get some counselling to get over the break up. It honestly does sound like you've never really recovered yourself esteem or accepted the situation and you're still hanging on by a thread to his 'story' and his 'dramas', maybe hoping you can fix him? You have to let him go
I'm sorry I can't honestly imagine how hard it is but you need to move forward.
df

I understand what you say, it has been ten years and he still gets to me in a way. Im sure I don't need counselling though, Ive moved on in that I have a new partner who is wonderful and I have no hankerings after the ex at all. Ive got a new life and everything is good (apart from being skint:o) but I wish he had the same.
I just wish he was happy, even though he could be a nasty piece of work I knew him for 30+ years and I suppose I just feel so sorry for him. Maybe a do feel that I still wish I 'could fix him'. I just don't like to see him suffering.

If I knew he was Ok it wouldn't bother me if he moved to Australia and I never saw him again!!
I don't see him very often which is good but when I do he always looks so miserable. I know that's not just for my benefit as when I see other mutual friends or old neighbours they all say the same.

I really keep contact to the bare minimum, he tried to 'friend' me on facebook but I refused as I don't want him watching my life or posting comments. I have distanced myself as much as possible and go months without bumping into him but then our paths cross and I always end up feeling like S*** for a while:(

londonsurrey

You really are very tender hearted. Most exes who were abused would be rejoicing in how the ne'er-do-well abusive ex is now wandering around being miserable and telling everyone how the abused ex wasn't fully appreciated by the abuser!

Pragmatic souls would simply write him off for being an idiot with a low IQ and EQ to think that wandering around saying "woe is me" is what is going to make the magical fairy put his life right for him when he's shown little sign of doing anything for himself in that direction.

I'd suggest that you actively tell people to stop when they start telling you news about him, as you know it's just going to leave you feeling like this. After all, what do you think the next snippet of news is going to be? That he's happy? That he's reconciled to his life and decisions? That he's changing anything or doing anything about it?

Or do you think it's going to be more of the same miserable stuff?

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

swingaloo wrote: »

I understand what you say, it has been ten years and he still gets to me in a way. Im sure I don't need counselling though, Ive moved on in that I have a new partner who is wonderful and I have no hankerings after the ex at all. Ive got a new life and everything is good (apart from being skint:o) but I wish he had the same.
I just wish he was happy, even though he could be a nasty piece of work I knew him for 30+ years and I suppose I just feel so sorry for him. Maybe a do feel that I still wish I 'could fix him'. I just don't like to see him suffering.

If I knew he was Ok it wouldn't bother me if he moved to Australia and I never saw him again!!
I don't see him very often which is good but when I do he always looks so miserable. I know that's not just for my benefit as when I see other mutual friends or old neighbours they all say the same.

I really keep contact to the bare minimum, he tried to 'friend' me on facebook but I refused as I don't want him watching my life or posting comments. I have distanced myself as much as possible and go months without bumping into him but then our paths cross and I always end up feeling like S*** for a while:(

Yup. Alcoholics and other addicts are good at making people feel like that. The most insidious part of their abuse of people who love them, that.


Had he not put it into her house, he would have most likely rented a bedsit and drank himself to death. Then complained that you took his house from him. He probably tells his OH that it's not his fault he hasn't achieved anything with his life, it's all your doing for not caring about him. Very likely he's told her and anyone else prepared to listen/buy him a drink that you and your DH got together when you two were still together.

I would also think that it's just as likely that his wife has held onto that house despite his best attempts to lose it for her through his drinking. Sticking an extension on (even if he did pay for any of it) means absolutely squat if he's taken out tons of loans to cover his boozing over ten years and she's had to support him - and put up with his drunkenness to the extent of his willfully endangering children.

(for example: Five cans of Tennants at £1 each = £1,825 per year. Over ten years, that's £18,250 =

add in loss of income from being permanently drunk,
things broken,
things ruined,
things peed over, such as carpets,
having to pay for childcare because he can't be trusted to pull his weight,
children having their childhood spoiled by his being belligerent, drunk, emotionally absent,
things being smashed,
getting benefits sanctions due to the claimant's condition being a result of alcohol addiction/being too wasted to turn up to sign on, fags,
entertaining other women,
buying crap from the shop as an excuse to go out of the house to buy more beer,
getting into debt with secret credit cards taken out so there was no trace of alcohol purchases = LOTS)



She probably tells you this stuff because he tells her that you still care, if it wasn't for your OH, you'd have him back like a shot, that she's stolen his money and his child's future away, etc, etc. As you know, drunks can confuse you so much that you can lose track of what's real and what's imaginary - talking to you makes it easier to keep a track on what's the truth for her.



He's miserable because he doesn't seem to have the power he used to. She's wise to his manipulations and has cut off his extra money. She doesn't fall for his bull anymore. She's even said she doesn't want him (and I bet he's done the sobbing and wailing act at her as a result). And he doesn't like it - he is far too used to being a complete git to everybody so he can get what he wants. so he tries to make you miserable the only way he knows how - through your son.


Shrug him off. He's a liar, a cheat, an abuser and a whining drunk.

belfastgirl23

A manipulative person stays that way. I'd wonder why he's talking to you like this (and to his son)! How you feel right now, that's how he wants you to feel. If I were you I'd watch my back frankly. His current wife has the measure of him and he's looking back and thinking you we're a softer touch!

Errata

Sounds like he's suffering from buyer's remorse and you still want to be the rescuer. You can't do anything about the first, but you can about the second.
Get on with your own life and stop being so interested in his.

System

He says he is frightened of her (he used to knock me about so I'm amazed that he should be frightened, but then he's a shadow of the man he was) he says she has terrible anger issues and is due to see a counsellor. Apparently she throws things at him and has temper tantrums. (How much of this is her and how much of it is caused by the way he has been with her, I don't know).

Just shows what happens when you stand up to a bully!

So unfortunate for your son but he lost of his Dads future estate the moment his Dad got married. Sad but true.

Not crisising you understand, i'm thinking of my own situation as a home owner, being married and having two children who arent biologically my husbands as much as anything.

Joons

swingaloo wrote: »

Thank you both and I know you are right.

In lots of ways I really do dislike him but I think I'm just soft. I do genuinely feel sorry for him. He was an only child, spoilt to death. His parents are dead and he only has distant relations who he doesn't contact.

I just feel so desperstly sad that his life has come to this. I was so pleased when he remarried, even though I knew he was jumping in too fast.
I wanted him to be happy and cant get out of my mind that had I stayed we would be mortgage free (but miserable) and he would not be suffering as he is. I know he is a weak person, I worried about him when I left but know it was the right decision.
He was like a split personality when I left, ringing me up constantly in floods of tears telling me how much he loved me then ringing back 3 hours later drunk and threatening to kill me.

I just feel I have ruined his life really although I know the reality is that he was ruining mine and he bought this on himself.

Son is now in his late 20s and just about tolerated his dad.

Don't feel too sad for him, he's made his choices, you gave him plenty chances, it wasn't meant to be regardless of his drinking etc, leave it in the past, you're happy now no? You did not ruin his life and also, don't believe all his sob stories, it may not be as bad as he is making out, I think he plays a lot on your heart strings, you're too nice!