Really upset and angry and cant work out why I should be.

swingaloo

I would love opinions on this please. I cant work out if Im angry, upset or both.

The background is-

10 years ago I left my alcoholic, womaniser of a husband after 20 plus years and after giving him so many chances and warnings that I would go.

He went to pieces and promised the earth if I would come back but I stuck to my guns and 6 months later met someone else who I am still with. We had a teenage son who stayed with his dad but after a year came to live with me. I had left ex with the house as it was my choice to leave but we had an agreement that if he moved out or moved anyone else in we would sort something out.
Ex struggled looking after himself and was in a deep depression and started drinking even more. Then a mutual friends husband left her and ex started seeing her. For a while he seemed to be picking up and getting his life back together and she wanted him to move in with her and get married. he was on his best behaviour at the time and had cut down the drink a lot.

I knew he was rushing into it and another mutual friend told me that a couple of weeks before the wedding he had said 'If ==== would come back I wouldn't marry ======== but im not cut out to live alone.'
He has also told me that he will never love her as he loved me but I always fob him off with 'Don't be daft'. I told him that he had been given a 2nd chance and should make the most of it.

Over the last few years I have only seen him and his wife occasionally when there is some do or other as we have loads of mutual friends. He always finds a way to tell me how he still wished he could turn the clock back etc. I find it very uncomfortable. I am also aware from things they have both said
to either me or my son that they are not really happy and both made hasty decisions to marry each other. Of course the drinking has increased and he has told son that they are always arguing and she has once said she wants a divorce but I've not paid much attention as its nothing to do with me.

When he married her we sold the house and with his share of the money he built an extension on her house and put in a new kitchen and bathroom. Her house is an ex council house and he isn't on the mortgage because she got it at a discount.

Now fast forward-

A few weeks ago I saw him in the town and he told me that he was very unhappy, wished he had never married her and that he would leave if he had anywhere to go. He is almost pension age has no saving, a lot of debt and they live on benefits that she claims. he also told me that his wife had just made a will and that she would not tell him what was in it. I told him that it was nothing to do with me and he shouldn't be telling me but I admit that I also said that I thought a married couple would make joint wills and that the way she had done it without consulting him would make me think she was cutting him out.

Now today, son has seen him and he has said that he found and looked at the will and his wife has left the property to her children and he isn't mentioned at all in the will.
Of course he is furious about it and son asked if he had spoken to her. He says he is frightened of her (he used to knock me about so I'm amazed that he should be frightened, but then he's a shadow of the man he was) he says she has terrible anger issues and is due to see a counsellor. Apparently she throws things at him and has temper tantrums. (How much of this is her and how much of it is caused by the way he has been with her, I don't know).
He told son that he is stuck there, has nowhere to go as he has no money, wishes we had never sold the house and feels suicidal.

Now my issues-

I feel so angry that the money that came from the proceeds of our house and which should have gone to our son eventually are now going to be handed to her children whilst our son gets nothing. I'm angry that he is letting this happen.

I also feel great guilt there because my half of the proceeds was put into a property which ended in negative equity and was eventually sold to avoid repossession so I feel that by leaving me ex I've squandered our sons inheritance.


I know I did the right thing leaving but I feel somehow responsible for his situation now. I genuinely wanted him to be happy and was pleased when they married but he's just made the same mistakes again.

I know he is dreadfully unhappy and whilst is his own fault
I'm really upset that he is in the situation he is.

I also want to shake him, tell him to man up but at the end of the day he is living under her roof and she has 5 grown up children who don't really like him either so his life must be intolerable.

I also hate the way he's worrying the hell out of our son.

I'm so angry at him for putting me on a guilt trip as well.
I just feel I could have a good cry about it all.

Sorry it was so long, thank you for reading if you are still here!

Joons

Oh gosh, that wasn't long, sorry to hear this. Now just from this one post I can tell you that your ex is a wee boy, he needs to grow up and take responsibility, I doubt that will happen any time soon considering what age he is now. Why is he burdening you with this and why more importantly your son, does he not have any pride or self respect, it's like he expect you and your son to do something about his situation - the situation he chose when you gave him ultimatum after ultimatum, still he continued making you unhappy. He sounds like the kind of man who blames everything and everyone for his own shortfalls and doesn't seem to learn from his mistakes. The only thing you need to be upset about is him upsetting your son, he needs to quite with that. Do you really think he can be happy with anyone whilst he's drinking and in denial? Don't feel guilty for what he choose to do. I understand the money side is frustrating, your intention wasn't to cut your son's inheritence, with properties and prices, it happens.

You have nothing to feel guilty about!

go_cat

Unfortunately you an not be responsible for your ex DH actions or unhappiness.

You left him for good reasons

Your son has been brought up in a loving home not listening to mum being hit

Money does not equal happiness I am sure your son would prefer you as you are now

Your ex needs to grow a pair and sort out his relationship

Sambucus_Nigra

He could have just used that money to rent somewhere, and an anonymous landlord could have used to to have holidays in the Caribbean.

swingaloo

Thank you both and I know you are right.

In lots of ways I really do dislike him but I think I'm just soft. I do genuinely feel sorry for him. He was an only child, spoilt to death. His parents are dead and he only has distant relations who he doesn't contact.

I just feel so desperstly sad that his life has come to this. I was so pleased when he remarried, even though I knew he was jumping in too fast.
I wanted him to be happy and cant get out of my mind that had I stayed we would be mortgage free (but miserable) and he would not be suffering as he is. I know he is a weak person, I worried about him when I left but know it was the right decision.
He was like a split personality when I left, ringing me up constantly in floods of tears telling me how much he loved me then ringing back 3 hours later drunk and threatening to kill me.

I just feel I have ruined his life really although I know the reality is that he was ruining mine and he bought this on himself.

Son is now in his late 20s and just about tolerated his dad.

gingin_2

You sound too nice for your own good. He sounds like he is trying to emotionally manipulate you and your son, again.

I think if you are feeling vulnerable and emotional you should reread this thread. You left him because he was a wife-abusing, cheating, drunk. You made the right choice to leave. You can pity him but you shouldn't feel responsible for him.

Wishing you well

thebillet

He has very successfully got one monkey off his back and put it on yours.

Mojisola

swingaloo wrote: »

When he married her we sold the house and with his share of the money he built an extension on her house and put in a new kitchen and bathroom. Her house is an ex council house and he isn't on the mortgage because she got it at a discount.

He is almost pension age has no saving, a lot of debt and they live on benefits that she claims. he also told me that his wife had just made a will and that she would not tell him what was in it.

Now today, son has seen him and he has said that he found and looked at the will and his wife has left the property to her children and he isn't mentioned at all in the will.

I wouldn't get involved yourself but suggest to your son that his father gets some legal advice.

He does have some rights over the house because of the money he has put into it. He also has rights as her spouse to continue to live in the house, especially if he financially dependent on her. That may change once he gets his pension.

Sambucus_Nigra

swingaloo wrote: »

I just feel I have ruined his life really although I know the reality is that he was ruining mine and he bought this on himself.

He knocked some sense out of you if you still think this. Stop feeling responsible for an abuser!

swingaloo

Thank you for the reply. I understand what you say and I knew for a long time that I hated what he was putting me through and that I had to leave.

Its ten years ago and I think part of the problem is that time dulls the memories. I used to hate him so much that I often used to wish he would fall down the stairs when drunk and break his neck:o. but at the same time he was such a nice person when he wasn't drinking. It was all such a mix up, he would tell me he worshipped the ground I walked on and yet treat me like dirt.

If he had gone on to have a happy marriage with the new wife I would have been so happy for him.
When I left I still wanted to look after him in a way and knew he at least had a roof over his head and was ok financially.
I think its knowing he will be on the street soon if he doesn't turn things around that's upsetting me.

Jox

What goes around comes around, he's brought this on himself, you did well to leave him.

Try not to worry about him any more, it's all his own fault.