Think I'm about to start a massive row in my family

zzzLazyDaisy

Teeniepops wrote: »

to avoid drama before your wedding, make it clear that when they move out, the deposit is yours.

I don't think that is going to happen. The deposit must be returned to them, so there is no way of having it paid direct to OP. Presumably when they move they will need a deposit for a new place - so whatever promises they make now would just be postponing the problem to a later date.

I think I would sit him down, explain that you really need the money back as it is for your wedding and you have bills to pay, and get him to agree a payment schedule. If he can't afford to pay it all back, could he pay some of the outstanding bills (flowers? Photographer? on his credit card, for example?).

If you find that you are going to get the money back in dribs and drabs, it is worth confirming that new agreement in writing (of course you have less power now as you have already given him the money). If you think he won't sign the letter, put a final paragraph saying something like

'If there is anything in this letter that you don't agree with or if you think there has been some misunderstanding, please send this letter back to me with a note of your concerns so I can make sure it is an accurate record of our agreement'

And then put the signature strip.

If your mum is willing to be present as an observer, you could send her a copy of the letter too, and ask her to sign as a witness to the conversation.

Of course doing it this way is much more likely to cause bad feeling than if you had done this before lending the money. The point of doing this would be to give you some evidence if you decided to take him to the small claims court for the money. If that is not your intention and never likely to be so, then there probably isn't much point in potentially stirring up bad feelings in this way.

Sooki

Faith177 wrote: »

That's what I was thinking she is one of my bridesmaids and him an usher which is making it harder

After everything you have said, Why have you got her as one of your bridesmaids?

It might be emotive but in your shoes I would suggest she might get an invite to the evening do, and the brother wouldn't be an usher, their behaviour is not of someone trustworthy and therefore they will need to explain that they are not playing their part in the wedding as they have broken your trust and failed to repay you.

Also, you simply can not afford the extra usher & bridesmaid as you have to cut your costs to cover money borrowed from your wedding budget which wasn't repaid to you.

mountainofdebt

skintchick wrote: »

I don't think that's true. I think it only costs £30 to go to small claims court. Only thing is they still can't foce him to pay you.

For the amount owed that about right and that is added to the amount owed.

You are right that the courts can't force the debt to be repaid but the OP can ask for a CCJ to be put against her brother's name......question is does she want to go down that road?

If the OP can afford it, and the brother is willing, could a retrospective agreement be put in place?

The other problem you have OP is that if you don't tell your OH (and I can understand why you don't want to) is that you're entering into marriage keeping a secret from him ....if he was you and you were him, how would you feel when you found out?

marisco_2

I think I will get some flack for this opinion but think it needs to be said. Feel free to ignore it if you dont agree with it. The run up to your wedding should be a really happy time OP. A time where you can spoil yourself a little bit in whatever way you chose to. Not when you should be forced into a position where you are cutting back, due to two grown adults refusal to accept responsibility for themselves, step up and repay their debts.

Yours and your mums good natures have been totally taken advantage of. This is now impacting on your lifestyles while they appear to be living the life of riley. Maybe I am way less tolerant than some but if a sibling treated me and a parent of mine like this, they would forfeit their invitation to my wedding. It would ruin my day to have them there knowing that I had had to compromise my lifestyle and possibly aspects of my wedding because of them. In the roles they currently have at your wedding they will be in almost all your wedding photos. Is that something you feel able to stomach long term? I know I couldn't.

Own_My_Own

Faith177 wrote: »

Own_My_Own wrote: »

Did you pay for they dress, suit for the day ?

If so tell them unfortunately, you have had to drop them from their rolls, as you have had to return they outfits, to pay for something

Yeah could do that her dress was only £40 though lol

I would do it on principle.

balletshoes

Faith177 wrote: »

I know I should ring him but I'm worried my emotions would take over and I would say something I can't take back.

Plus my brother and me both wok very long hours and are opposite ends of the country so often text is the only way we can communicate easily.

then write down exactly what you want to say, and say it when you call him.

thehappybutterfly

marisco wrote: »

I think I will get some flack for this opinion but think it needs to be said. Feel free to ignore it if you dont agree with it. The run up to your wedding should be a really happy time OP. A time where you can spoil yourself a little bit in whatever way you chose to. Not when you should be forced into a position where you are cutting back, due to two grown adults refusal to accept responsibility for themselves, step up and repay their debts.

Yours and your mums good natures have been totally taken advantage of. This is now impacting on your lifestyles while they appear to be living the life of riley. Maybe I am way less tolerant than some but if a sibling treated me and a parent of mine like this, they would forfeit their invitation to my wedding. It would ruin my day to have them there knowing that I had had to compromise my lifestyle and possibly aspects of my wedding because of them. In the roles they currently have at your wedding they will be in almost all your wedding photos. Is that something you feel able to stomach long term? I know I couldn't.

100% agree with this!

Faith177

Thanks balletshoes I think I'll do just that.

Thank you all for your advice it has really helped and given me a lot to work with. Think ill have a chat with OH too see what he can add to it without losing his temper lol

My brother has rung my mum and told her what is happening and she basically told him how i felt and why. He said he will ring me tonight so hopefully the chat my mum has with him will lay the foundations

Faith177

marisco wrote: »

I think I will get some flack for this opinion but think it needs to be said. Feel free to ignore it if you dont agree with it. The run up to your wedding should be a really happy time OP. A time where you can spoil yourself a little bit in whatever way you chose to. Not when you should be forced into a position where you are cutting back, due to two grown adults refusal to accept responsibility for themselves, step up and repay their debts.

Yours and your mums good natures have been totally taken advantage of. This is now impacting on your lifestyles while they appear to be living the life of riley. Maybe I am way less tolerant than some but if a sibling treated me and a parent of mine like this, they would forfeit their invitation to my wedding. It would ruin my day to have them there knowing that I had had to compromise my lifestyle and possibly aspects of my wedding because of them. In the roles they currently have at your wedding they will be in almost all your wedding photos. Is that something you feel able to stomach long term? I know I couldn't.

I think we are more soft as a family cause it is just us 3 we lost my dad when my brother was 9 months old. My mum feels sorry for him because he missed out on having dad so over compensates. Plus when they moved away it was just the two of them for quite a while.

I think I would be more upset not to have him there tbh. As I said I can make the lost money back up if I cut down on a lot of silly things in general everyday stuff

londonsurrey

So he lost a dad. Double/triple mothering him is not going to replace a dad!
If anything, she needs to be tougher on him, as that's a what a dad does.