Sister's financial situation - what to do?

Acc72

ddebski_us wrote: »

I also don't believe that your suggestion that getting my mum to charge my sister board is going to "blow the family apart" - is this not an acceptable request from a mother to her 28 year old working daughter? Is it not an important lesson that she starts to learn that living is not free?

We do not know - and we do not know if / why she has not been charged board for the last 12 years ?

In fact, she may see that this contradicts your other issue - if you are concerned about her current debts then suggesting that she pays board is not going to help her to reduce her debts.

Also, to those that suggest a familty meeting (which may be a good idea) - remember that the sister is 28 years old : what if she refuses ?

There are lots that we do not know about the family dynamic (eg. the OP lives 200 miles away - how long have they lived away, do they visit often, does the sister feel trapped in her situation and see the OP as interferring etc. etc.) and also the personalities (we are assuming that there are no "issues" that the sister is dealing with and that she is able bodied etc.etc.)

Is the current situation a problem ? - if so who for (the OP, the sister, the mum - all of them) ?

belfastgirl23

The thing is though that you aren't just proposing to charge her rent you are also planning to talk to her about HMRC and pretend you saw her letter by accident. You are saying she will probably lie to you but you are already planning on lying to her. You already know this will cause a huge ruck - you have said so. So my scenario is pretty much what you're expecting too - I'm just asking to what benefit?

If your mum is so worried about your sister then to be honest she needs to do something about it. Of course you should support her. I can see your instinct is to do it for her but I still think it won't deal with the basic underlying problems. Your mum needs to be able to hold a line with your sister for anything to have a chance of working. Your sister will only change if she has no other choice. You can't do this alone.

I know I'm spelling this out quite starkly but honestly it feels like you have the worst of all worlds here. All the worry and responsibility with none of the authority. I admire you for taking it so seriously and I can see you are desperate to sort it out. But I don't believe you can, certainly not unless your mum makes a serious commitment to it as well. Do you think she will be able to do this or enforce this if you do it? If not your position will be even weaker afterwards.

As an aside I will just ask can she really not remember if your sister repaid money or does she just not want to cause a row by saying that she didn't?

1stTimer

You don't live with my sister do you???

So familiar in so many ways, my sis is the same, always has been and i really have no idea what to do about it.
She's bankrupt now but in some ways that makes it worse as she is now getting loans from my mum and dad (to the point they have recently been refused credit)
They are now asking me to help and apply for 1, she's the eldest and no matter what she does they cannot see how selfish she is
I'm at a loss - if i say no it will cause all sorts of arguements and if i say yes she is now affecting my credit rating and has another buffer.

I wish they would just tell her to stand on her own 2 feet and be the adult she should be but i can't argue with my parents, they have always been there for me and i can't stand the fact that i am saying no the one time they ask me for help...
I want to bash their heads together as much as i want to bash hers against something.....
Truth is i will never see my mum and dad worry and upset as long as i am around, they deserve more peace at their age.

ddebski_us

Acc72 wrote: »

We do not know - and we do not know if / why she has not been charged board for the last 12 years ?

In fact, she may see that this contradicts your other issue - if you are concerned about her current debts then suggesting that she pays board is not going to help her to reduce her debts.

Also, to those that suggest a familty meeting (which may be a good idea) - remember that the sister is 28 years old : what if she refuses ?

There are lots that we do not know about the family dynamic (eg. the OP lives 200 miles away - how long have they lived away, do they visit often, does the sister feel trapped in her situation and see the OP as interferring etc. etc.) and also the personalities (we are assuming that there are no "issues" that the sister is dealing with and that she is able bodied etc.etc.)

Is the current situation a problem ? - if so who for (the OP, the sister, the mum - all of them) ?

You make some interesting points. Your last question though, the current situation is a problem for my mum. She tells me she worries constantly about the phone calls/letters and about baliffs coming knocking. There does seem to be some implication from a number of posts that I have an ulterior motive, but believe me, since my mum told me how much it bothers her at weekend, I have never felt the urge to deal with the situation before. Yes, I am irritated by it but have never wanted to do anything about it. I am purely concerned for my mum.

My sister probably does feel threatened; I moved away 7 years ago, have a good job, own my house, am married and am a mum. In comparision, my sister is single, owns no assets, lives at home and flits from job to job. I see that there is a comparison here, and she probably sees me as being interferring and comparing her lifestyle to mine. She sees that I have been "lucky" in life, not seeing that I worked hard at school/uni and live within my means. She probably thinks that life is unfair, but she had the same opportunities I had, choosing not to take them (school, uni etc).

I see that the above isn't irrelevant and will be making the situation worse, but for me, the underlying point is my mum has asked me to help her.

xDx

Mojisola

1stTimer wrote: »

They are now asking me to help and apply for 1, she's the eldest and no matter what she does they cannot see how selfish she is
I'm at a loss - if i say no it will cause all sorts of arguements and if i say yes she is now affecting my credit rating and has another buffer.

I wish they would just tell her to stand on her own 2 feet and be the adult she should be but i can't argue with my parents, they have always been there for me and i can't stand the fact that i am saying no the one time they ask me for help...

Truth is i will never see my mum and dad worry and upset as long as i am around, they deserve more peace at their age.

But you won't be helping them (or your sister) if you start to get loans in your name. How worried and guilty are they going to feel when you've got yourself into financial trouble as well?

ddebski_us

belfastgirl23 wrote: »

The thing is though that you aren't just proposing to charge her rent you are also planning to talk to her about HMRC and pretend you saw her letter by accident. You are saying she will probably lie to you but you are already planning on lying to her. You already know this will cause a huge ruck - you have said so. So my scenario is pretty much what you're expecting too - I'm just asking to what benefit?

If your mum is so worried about your sister then to be honest she needs to do something about it. Of course you should support her. I can see your instinct is to do it for her but I still think it won't deal with the basic underlying problems. Your mum needs to be able to hold a line with your sister for anything to have a chance of working. Your sister will only change if she has no other choice. You can't do this alone.

I know I'm spelling this out quite starkly but honestly it feels like you have the worst of all worlds here. All the worry and responsibility with none of the authority. I admire you for taking it so seriously and I can see you are desperate to sort it out. But I don't believe you can, certainly not unless your mum makes a serious commitment to it as well. Do you think she will be able to do this or enforce this if you do it? If not your position will be even weaker afterwards.

As an aside I will just ask can she really not remember if your sister repaid money or does she just not want to cause a row by saying that she didn't?

My mum can't remember.

I do appreciate your words, I do. The difficulty is my mum really - I can tell her what to say, but once my sister challenges her, she will look to me for what next. Like I am her puppeter.

This will never change. She has no confidence in herself with the nicest of people, and my sister will challenge anyone over anything.

I guess the reason she's never been changed board is that mum and dad liked her being the baby of the family, and liked looking after her. And charging board was going to leave her with less more and so probably more debt.

Acc72

ddebski_us wrote: »

I guess the reason she's never been changed board is that mum and dad liked her being the baby of the family, and liked looking after her. And charging board was going to leave her with less more and so probably more debt.

Hi ddebski,

Firstly, thanks for taking my earlier comments as they were intended; I hope that you do not mind me adding a few other thoughts ....

You are looking at this situation through your eyes, try to stand back and look at it from your sisters / mothers perspective before you do anything.

i.e. as your sister has always been treated as the "baby" of the family, then she has effectively been conditioned to behave in this way for the last 28 years and she will find it difficult to change and to take responsibility (I am not excusing her behaviour or saying that she should not take responsibility, just that it may not be easy for her to do so).

I am also assuming that your mother wants your sister to live with her ?

If so, please be careful that the situation does not develop so that your sister moves out in haste, particularly as you live so far away.

Are you otherwise close to your sister ?

Maybe you could offer her help (rather than what she may see as critisism) ?

eg. Does she want a job / boyfriend / family / her own independance etc. ?

Could she be depressed ? (after being the baby and living with your dad who has passed away ? - I am not saying that her grief is any more than yours, just different in the way that we are all different).

Good luck, it is a difficult situation.

*Louise*

OP, you have my every sympathy. I have a youngest sister who I was daft enough to pay off her debts 18mths ago to clear her housing arrears to allow her to get moved from a flat to a brand new council house. Haven't seen a penny of it back yet. 'Lucky' for her my mum got a large sum of money last year and guess who has been loaned large quantities of money to completely do up her new house? (Because there is no such thing as patience and saving up to buy things apparently)

The thing is, it's really not your place to say anything, it's the mothers. Even though mum won't say anything because 'she's still my baby' *rolls eyes* but it's not easy to sit quiet and stay out of it when you think someone may take advantace of anothers good nature.

Someone mentioned it earlier, I would be inclined to gather all the letters (I wouldn't open them though), hand them to the mother and state your worries. She can either deal with it or at least be aware that somethign is going to happen eventually.

troubleinparadise

Your sister is a 28 year old adult.

Her debts are her problem. They are not your mum's business, nor yours.

Yes, I appreciate it can be something that worries people; but it doesn't appear to worry your sister. If she isn't seeking your advice or input on her finances, the two of you should keep out of it unless either she asks, or there is a greater penalty in terms of bailiffs or credit ratings which might affect your mother or intrude into her personal life (or house).

However, she really needs to behave in an adult manner, and be treated as one - by respecting her privacy - but also she should pay her way with regard to board and lodging.

It may appear that your mother has been left in a comfortable position financially after your father's death, but that money needs to support her for 30-odd years with no income from employment. It is not there to support this "adult" who appears not to have learnt how to manage her finances, nor show respect to her mother.

Stephb1986_2

Don't bail her out you know why??

My brother has always been bailed out by my parents he's never learnt to stand on his own two feet until now my folks turned round and said no because they are coming to the age where retirement is in sight and they won't have much of a retirement fund if they keep bailing him out.

Then there's my Sil2b my h2b has always bailed her out he paid her 3k council tax bill with money that he added onto his mortgage. She has since had a new kitchen out of him and never paid him a penny back even though she can afford a season ticket for her fella to watch football and my h2b is struggling with money.

It really grips me something rotten. She will never learn how to manage money if you keep bailing her out. She has to learn the hard way.

I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your dad.

Steph xx