Sister's financial situation - what to do?

zzzLazyDaisy

Please don't bail her out and wipe the slate clean.

She will just run up another slate, and you will have conditioned her to think that it will just go away again.

You might think you are being the responsible one, protecting your mum, and giving your sister a fresh start so she can grow up and be responsible for herself, and perhaps even that she will be grateful and start contributing to the household and looking out for your mum's interests more.

But it doesn't work like that. Trust me - I know from hard experience, not just my own, but also that of friends and family in similar situations.

You think you are breaking the cycle, when in fact your actions will simply perpetuate it.

LandyAndy

ddebski_us wrote: »

It would appear that you think I am the one being selfish here, worrying about my own situation.

My sister tells my mum what to do; mum has always been told my dad want to do and will not stand up to my sister, who is bossy and demanding.

My mum does not have the capacity to be in charge of the situation; am I to sit by and watch my sister take advantage of my parents and the money they worked so hard to earn?

Not at all. You appear to be very concerned for your sister and your mother.

However, you have proposed a course of action and been told by every poster that it is a bad idea (and why) and then you have been given an alternative approach.

You don't have to take advice given here.

ddebski_us

Ok - so the concensus seems to be we don't bail her out. But, what do I do? My mum is worried sick about it and my sister won't ever say she is in debt - do I just ignore it and let mum become more ill with the stress, or do I confront her, tell her I know about HMR&C and so there must be more, and say we need to get an action plan? Insist she goes to CAB and plans how they are cleared?

skintandscared_2

For what it's worth, this is what I would do.

I would get together every recent letter I could find and open them.

Ask your sister to be around at X o'clock and you and your mum sit down with her, with the letters, for a kind of "intervention". I would say that no matter what she says, this is the evidence of the situation she is in. She then has 3 choices:

1. Everything is paid off from whatever her portion of any inheritance might be. She is then debt free. Going forward, there is a set amount of rent/bills to pay and chores to do. It's about time this woman learned what boundaries and responsibilities are.

2. Everything is paid off and she finds somewhere else to live and pay all her own bills.

3. If she still insists that everything is sorted and refuses to acknowledge she has debts, tell her to get a place of her own and support herself.

Your mum needs to speak up. You live too far away to keep an eye on what's happening. It is up to your mum to decide what she wants to do and stick to it!

Now your mum is on her own, has she thought of downsizing and getting a smaller property? This could be one way to start the ball rolling to get your sister to move out and stand on her own two feet.

Good luck!

SpottySocks

The other point about bailing her out is that if she is not being honest with herself, i.e still shopping for stuff she can't afford then she really is not going to be honest with you

She may 'fess' up to being in 5k of debt for example but for all you know that could just be the tip of the iceberg. It's a bit like someone telling a Dr they only smoke 10 cigs a day, a Dr knows to at least double that number

marmitepotato

I think a family meeting is needed here. Time for your sister to lay her cards on the table. Time for your Mum to take charge of her own finances. Time for you to 'hopefully' help them both, but a bail out for you sister is a no no. Maybe the CAB can work out a debt repayment plan for her.

getmore4less

ddebski_us wrote: »

It would appear that you think I am the one being selfish here, worrying about my own situation.

My sister tells my mum what to do; mum has always been told my dad want to do and will not stand up to my sister, who is bossy and demanding.

My mum does not have the capacity to be in charge of the situation; am I to sit by and watch my sister take advantage of my parents and the money they worked so hard to earn?

Bailing her out just speeds up that process.

Mum needs to kick her out.

or you need to move closer to mum or move mum closer to you

Bailing her out will not solve the problem, it won't even delay it, it will just make it worse.

SpottySocks

Would your mum be mentally strong enough to cut the apron strings and tell your sister it's time to move out? I know as a mum she will still worry but it may bring some mental relief for your mum. It may also be the kindest thing to do for your sister, there is only so many times that she will pick a new lipstick / shoes over paying the elec bill before the penny finally drops.... Then you and your mum could be ready to step forward and support her then by helping her with budgets, finding out advice etc.

neneromanova

Why is your mum worried to the point of stress? If bailiffs turn up, they can't take anything that belongs to your mum, only your sister. And no debt will be put against the house, only the person.

I know how you feel about sponging relatives though. My brother still lives at home and has ''problems'' so won't move out.

I really wouldn't bail her out. I would talk to her, and if she takes no notice, let her dig herself into more debt. Tell your mum not to pay anything for her debts as she'll never learn and only make her daughter worse.

Sooki

I know you must be really worried but it sounds like your sister is in serious denial.

I don't know how you are broaching the situation with her but you need to keep the doors softly open so she will feel able to approach you for help, the sensible thing to do at the moment is gather up as much information as you can to help her or point her in the right direction to.

It could also be she just doesn't open her mail, my OH doesn't and I have to nag him to open it, although not financial he has missed some really important stuff this way and only now has he learnt how important it is.

Your sister could be really scared and may also not want to be stressing your mum out (she sounds quite vulnerable person) with the extent of the situation and maybe she does not feel able to confide in you or both confronting her. All I'm trying to say is you may need to change your approach slightly to be able to help her.