Hoarding - A New Start

Catriona_P

Reading with great interest about the theory that wearing clothes makes you feel less vulnerable. I'm not so bad with clothes but have a real thing about my hair - it looks lovely up but if I even wear it in a ponytail I feel that it leaves my neck exposed and that everybody is looking at my ears and my neck.

It's also interesting that so many of us can trace our hoarding habits to how we were treated as children. I'm determined that my little one won't suffer the same fate as I have - but the point is, how? How do you avoid repeating the pattern? My husband is similar to my Dad and has already started saying things that remind me of what I heard from my Dad when I was small. I will NOT have that for our daughter and have told husband so. But still. I want to learn how to be respectful of her things (not so much an issue now but the older she gets it will).

Broomstick

I like the phrase 'it was a sane reaction to an insane situation'.

In the past, whatever awful happened, even if we can't place what it was or were too young to have the words to describe it or did try to tell someone but were not listened to properly, I'm sure we did our very best to cope. Coping could well have included behaviour from us that someone not going through that situation would have thought strange or disturbing. They may well still think that, but we were protecting ourselves against something, anything, that was hurting us a lot. At the time we found an intelligent, creative sane solution - the very best we could manage - to the insane situation we were dealing with. It could have been the beginnings of hoarding, or weight gain , or self-harm, or addictions or...

I'm finding that it helps me when I pull apart the reasons why certain behaviour began alongside celebrating my will to live and determination look after myself and cope when I was younger. It was life-affirming - I knew deep-down that this small child was worth protection - and it was clever in that moment. I think that even starting to smoke as a teenager was a survival mechanism for me at that time (fortunately I managed to stop many years ago).

The tricky bit is that much of the 'insane situation' is no longer there so the past, sane coping strategy is no longer appropriate. The threat now, for me at least - but probably for most of us, is best dealt with by protecting myself with a more organised gentle life, caring for myself, trying to earn and save money to act as a cushion when times are tough etc (rather than the artificial protection of a few stone of extra weight and a load of unnecessary 'stuff':D). I know that, for me, the now redundant patterns of behaviour get in the way of the the protection I need in the present, but I'm winning (just:D)!

Jojo, what you describe resonates with me (for different reasons) and you sleeping with clothes on was such a sane reaction. Astonishingly sane really. Celebrate your survival skills and the way you were valuing yourself when the person/people who should have been valuing you were/are not. :T

GreyQueen

It's lovely that you are sensitive to a potential problem arising and determined to head it off at the pass.

My own Mum has hoarderish habits but was very sensitive to us kids, aware that what a kid attaches value to sometimes appears as worthless trash to an adult.

I would say encourage your child to have a regular declutter, perhaps in the run up to her birthday and Christmas, with the style of clearing the way for her presents.

One of the best ways is to model good behaviour yourself in your home and your shopping habits. For example, you could say Mummy's going to buy a new pair of boots because these ones are worn out, and when the new ones come in, the old ones are seen to go out.

Or, Mum and Dad have some things they're not using so we're going to put a bag of things together for the charity shop, do you have any stuff you don't want to put into the bag?

The crucial thing is to honour her choices of what she doesn't want or need, not to overide them.

I've heard it jokingly-mooted that there should be a festival held a few times a year called Discardia, when you ritually clear out the excess.

Friend and neighbour SuperGran is a very busy pensioner with a lot of committees etc in various service organisations she's been involved with, sometimes for decades. All of which generate paperwork, of course.

What SG does to give herself some breathing space a few times a year is to tell everyone (bar me and one other trusted pal) that she will be "away" for a few days. She isn't "away" at all, she can't afford to go away, but she removes herself from the bustle of everyday life, stays home, call-screens and gets on with domestic stuff exp decluttering and shredding.

This means that she keeps on top of stuff. She also catches up on her reading and letter-writing and just chills at the same time.

whitewing

You can send your cartridges to the Recycling Factory http://www.therecyclingfactory.com/ (other similar orgainsations also exist) and either accrue funds for yourself or for donation to charity. It's a freepost address too. I find it gets them out of the house quicker because you can pop them in to any postbox rather than a specific shop.

Catriona_P

GreyQueen wrote: »

It's lovely that you are sensitive to a potential problem arising and determined to head it off at the pass.

My own Mum has hoarderish habits but was very sensitive to us kids, aware that what a kid attaches value to sometimes appears as worthless trash to an adult.

I would say encourage your child to have a regular declutter, perhaps in the run up to her birthday and Christmas, with the style of clearing the way for her presents.

One of the best ways is to model good behaviour yourself in your home and your shopping habits. For example, you could say Mummy's going to buy a new pair of boots because these ones are worn out, and when the new ones come in, the old ones are seen to go out.

Or, Mum and Dad have some things they're not using so we're going to put a bag of things together for the charity shop, do you have any stuff you don't want to put into the bag?

The crucial thing is to honour her choices of what she doesn't want or need, not to overide them.

I've heard it jokingly-mooted that there should be a festival held a few times a year called Discardia, when you ritually clear out the excess.

Friend and neighbour SuperGran is a very busy pensioner with a lot of committees etc in various service organisations she's been involved with, sometimes for decades. All of which generate paperwork, of course.

What SG does to give herself some breathing space a few times a year is to tell everyone (bar me and one other trusted pal) that she will be "away" for a few days. She isn't "away" at all, she can't afford to go away, but she removes herself from the bustle of everyday life, stays home, call-screens and gets on with domestic stuff exp decluttering and shredding.

This means that she keeps on top of stuff. She also catches up on her reading and letter-writing and just chills at the same time.

Think I will be keeping this post saved on my Desktop, love it I could really do with a Discardia time myself! If only Discardia could also involve someone else doing the childcare...;)

VJsmum

GreyQueen wrote: »

Been following the thread with close attention and much thoughtfulness. Some heart-wrenching stuff here among the lighter notes. I think we could make a worthwhile contribution to a manual called How to Really Mess with Children's Heads.

Yes, I do think Philip Larkin had a point!

There are some very sad stories here and some parents who ... well, I don't really know how to end that. My childhood was a poor one(not proverty stricken, just nothing to spare) and that impacts on me, I think. The protection thing is interesting - whilst i didn't need physical protection, I am very afraid of poverty and so surround myself with things to ward it off. I don't spend on unnecessaries but I don't get rid of much, either "just in case".

This thread is helping enormously.

GQ - my friend's parents occasionally had weekends "away". They packed their 5 children off to rellys and said they were going to "Stopatum" so that they could have some time together.:rotfl:

JayneC

whitewing wrote: »

Someone asked about 'weightedness' and seratonin. Can't vouch for its accuracy but this site explains a bit more...

http://www.ehow.com/how_5525250_make-weighted-blanket.html

Seems to me like we need a hug? That reassuring embrace, I suppose on a chemical level the brain reacts to the 'weightedness' like a hug

GreyQueen wrote: »

Morning all.

Been following the thread with close attention and much thoughtfulness. Some heart-wrenching stuff here among the lighter notes. I think we could make a worthwhile contribution to a manual called How to Really Mess with Children's Heads.

In my work I've done a few workshops about attachment theory and it's truly jaw-droppingly amazing the damage that can be done, esp with tinies. It can actually mess with the physical formation of the brain which may never recover. Scary stuff indeed


I've just had a new debit card, which I activated over the phone and checked in the ATM. And I was about to file the letter it came glued onto, when I stopped in mid-action.

Why was I filing this only to declutter it another time? Was there anything on it which made it a keeper? Checked it carefully and there was nowt. So I shredded it. Pre-dejunking, this is a major shift in conscousness for me.

Sensible people have probably been doing it this way for years, but it was a LBM for me.

I too have just realised that I don't need to keep these:rotfl:

.

GreyQueen wrote: »

What SG does to give herself some breathing space a few times a year is to tell everyone (bar me and one other trusted pal) that she will be "away" for a few days. She isn't "away" at all, she can't afford to go away, but she removes herself from the bustle of everyday life, stays home, call-screens and gets on with domestic stuff exp decluttering and shredding.

This means that she keeps on top of stuff. She also catches up on her reading and letter-writing and just chills at the same time.

A friend of mine and her OH did this. They 'went on sabbatical' and didn't answer their phone, just chilled, went walking, lit the fire in the evening and read and listened to music - they said it was great

I'm carrying on. Have now listed everything I photographed on Ebay - Saw a trick on another thread about scheduling your listing for a few weeks time and then when it's free listing, just edit and list immediately and it's free:T If no free listing before the scheduled date - just re-schedule.. It means you don't have to spend a whole day listing when it's free:T

Listed some more stuff on Freegle this morning too and have already arranged for someone to come for a couple of things!

Bathroom is next on the list and have started a declutter - why is it so hard to throw away half used bottles of toiletries?? I've put some stuff aside for my DDs but if they don't want it it will have to go

Keep going all...

JayneC

This_Year wrote: »

Holding a grudge is like letting someone live rent free in your head.

This is so true. I sometimes get myself into a state about the way my ex behaved. Mostly though I'm so angry with myself for allowing it. I painted a very convincing picture of domestic bliss and everyone was truly shocked when we split. Maybe the messy/hoarding was an excuse not to let people in so they wouldn't know....? They couldn't come over cos the house 'is such a mess'....:(

blossomhill_2

GreyQueen wrote: »

I would say encourage your child to have a regular declutter, perhaps in the run up to her birthday and Christmas, with the style of clearing the way for her presents.
[edit]
Or, Mum and Dad have some things they're not using so we're going to put a bag of things together for the charity shop, do you have any stuff you don't want to put into the bag?

The crucial thing is to honour her choices of what she doesn't want or need, not to overide them.

Good idea GQ, I think in the past the passing on would have been a natural progression, i.e when I came along my sis's teddy was automatically passed to me and she got some older-age toys from our cousins

The "not-over-riding" is difficult for me to do with my adult DD, as she often wants to put out things that I bought her that I would have liked for myself, but would have been too self- indulgent. I am learning tho, it comes down to not looking in the black bags before they hit the wheelie bin

Going back to Peppa Pig, one prob I see is that other Mums will associate the 5.5 yr old with PP and when she has parties etc, there will be more PP in the parcels which would prompt her to want to put them with her already-owned things

I read your post about the abuse you suffered, at 1am, Jo-Jo, just after I had tucked a hot water bottle under my 2 elderly cats - v sad to think you were treated worse than them, and made me worry who is going thru similar right now.
It just goes to show that extreme abusers can be hoarders and hoarders can be abusers ... but one doesn't necessarily mean the other is inevitable

I think they key for those of you in couples must be to be very open and honest about finances and to share buying decisions.

And if one of you is prone to impulse buys on the www. the other should be the one to screen the search results so that say you are looking for the perfect vintage light fitting (as I am), the other sees the search results summary and only shows the impulsive one the ones that really fit the bill. I know I can go mad in Tesco :eek: so I sit in the car while DD dashes in and out with my shopping list whenever possible. Whereas DD is looking for the perfect coat, so it's me, not her, that does the searching and she only sees the ones that fit her criteria

tattycath

Last night I sorted out one of the food cupboards in the kitchen. The good news is we don't need any tuna for a while as we have about 10 tins. We don't need any cuppa soup (I stocked up when it was 50p for a pack of 4-we have about 6 boxes now).
The bad news is we have 5 out of date tins-about a year out of date. I'm optimistic I can still use them as they never used to put dates on tins...
I have found an out of date Christmas pudding-but hoping to drown it in alcohol and hope it will still be edible-I think it should be. .. fingers crossed
Sorted out and packed away clean laundry today.
2 empty holdalls gone in loft.