Hoarding - A New Start

atypicalblonde

Another longtime lurker peeking out of the shadows here - I have been reading daily since this thread began and cheering you in your victories/offering virtual shoulders of support throughout.

I am, outwardly, incredibly tidy and organised, but it is only thanks to this thread that I recognised I had a hoarderish tendency, swept down through the generations. Three months ago we moved house & this thread inspired me to view my possessions with fresh eyes, to ensure nothing that we did not need or love moved with us. The new house is a dream to live in and I truly believe that sticking by the phrase 'less stuff, more life' has helped me to achieve that. In my experience, it is very easy to let the everyday stuff mount up and before you know it said mountain (named 'Mount Stuffmore' in this house) is ready to topple over. Previously if my mum/mother in law/sister in law were decluttering their wardrobes I would always be a willing recipient of their cast offs as we don't have much money. Ditto hand me downs of baby clothes/toys/stuff for my 7 month old. When I examined what I was given I quickly realised that half of the time I wasn't keen on the item, or it didn't fit/suit me, but I kept things anyway because I felt guilty for charity shopping things people had given me (daft really as I knew they wouldn't mind at all).

Now everything we own is in the house for a purpose, I.e. we either need it or love it. Nothing is hung on to through guilt, nor because 'when I lose a stone it will fit me', nor because it fits with the idea of what I aspire to be, but never really will be (silicone cupcake trays, and loads of them at that. I can't bake and don't really want to learn how to, but I bought them when Kirstie Allsopp did a baking thing on tv )

I truly feel my life is transformed now and really wish I was closer to people like you Woody so I could come and help. I am considering setting up my own small business as a professional declutterer but need to do some market research in my area (Yorkshire) first.

I wish you all well in your battle to manage 'The Stuff' - together, we can do this.

Less stuff truly does = more life xxx

whitewing

Woody, I'm another one who would love to come over, help you get rid of your mattress and make you a cup of tea.

The neighbour who did your front garden....could you perhaps ask him to help you with the mattress? I'm only thinking that he is already aware of the situation and it seems like he has tried to help (I am assuming if he were grumpy, he would more like have given other people grief to force you to do something, rather than done the gardening chores himself).

I think from another thread you posted on that your daughter is quite young? Under 10? Perhaps though that she could still help you drag the mattress out of the room? It sounds like you need the space.

Apologies if I am being insensitive.

atypicalblonde

Woody - please do take heart from the fact that many people are thinking of you this evening and sending you lots of virtual support. I know just how tough bereavement is having lost my dad two years ago when he was just 45, and how it impacts on every element of life. Your life IS going to get better, you will be happy once more and, whilst the road there wont be quick or easy, you have made the best first step by posting on here and opening up to your virtual friends.

Have a cuppa & a biccie or three now, and tomorrow is the first day of making a change xx

whitewing

This_Year wrote: »

Everything crossed out is done. Which looking at it is a phenonomal achievement.

Yes, it is fantastic. How is your OH feeling about it all now?

DS and I have filed away some papers that DH keeps giving the impression that he has dealt with, and then I find them again in his bedside drawer. I do feel a bit disgruntled about that, why can't he just tell me that task isn't done instead of risking it? It's paperwork that I am contractually obliged to keep.

Have thrown out a pair of broken-beyond-repair shoes. Recycling has gone out too - there wasn't much but smaller amounts regularly still helps.

Should go and sort out the kitchen; it won't take that long. Bit disgruntled that DH isn't making more of an effort, I have to say. It's almost like he goes on strike when I actually help. If there were two hours' cleaning and tidying to do, he'd do it every night or first thing, but if there's 20 minutes' worth, he is reluctant to do any, don't know why, mysterious male brain.

Woodyrocks

I have to say THANK YOU to you all. A little bit of kindness really goes a long way these days with me...and so many practical first steps as well to consider. I like the idea of taking scissors to the paperwork. In fact, I have taken to shredding bits by hand the past couple of days unconsciously. Maybe that was my first step in that direction. Enlisting DD (12yrs) help would be good but I just don't want t put too much on her as she really does help out already. If it wasn't for her doing the dishes, I don't know what would become of the kitchen. I am not proud of stating this...I worry that she is living like this.

I am usually motivated when I know someone will be coming round and the HA have sent a letter saying they want to come and do some appraisals (can't remember the exact wording of the letter) as the heating system needs updating. With that in mind, I think I might try and get a few bags packed for the charity shop starting in my bedroom. Definitely not ready to get rid of hubby's clothes but maybe some bedding and what nots. And the flowers (all dried out) that were sent after he died can go now I think. I will deal with the flowers tomorrow and report back. Not working tomorrow so will try and focus on clearing the hallway...need to get some black bags in!

p.s I can relate regarding the car. Went to see my M.I.L last month and found out at the last minute that I had to drive her to church. Would you believe I snuck away from the breakfast table to have a manic 15mins clearing out the car which was a total tip. The tent (unfolded) from our camping trip last August was still in the back seat!!!

minimoneyme

Woodyrocks wrote: »

p.s I can relate regarding the car. Went to see my M.I.L last month and found out at the last minute that I had to drive her to church. Would you believe I snuck away from the breakfast table to have a manic 15mins clearing out the car which was a total tip. The tent (unfolded) from our camping trip last August was still in the back seat!!!

Lol, when scrabbling to make space for my work colleague today I found my best high-heeled shoes that I'd obviously kicked off so I could drive home after a wedding ......... In November

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Evening, Woody.


What I am going to say may be quite distressing for you. I know you have experienced something traumatic - but you sound as though you're still locked in the awfulness of that one moment and you need to step outside of it.



I have never seen a mattress that looks all sparkly clean and perfect being disposed of. If how it looks is something that bothers you, wrap it in a sheet. But just get it out. Into the garden and call to arrange for a collection from the council - it'll be worth every penny, just to not have to look at it for another moment.

There will still be lots of things to do, but if you can get that outside, whether you have to push it out the window, drag it down the stairs or some other way of moving it, it has to go for your health. If you physically can't get it past other stuff (and that isn't as unusual as you may think), then what I'm about to say is more important. We'll come back to this paragraph in a minute.




You must have clear exits - front door, back door and stairs. They are most important, because you can buy food from a takeaway, you can sleep pretty much anywhere - but what if your daughter is up in her room and there's an electric fault downstairs, where your way upstairs to her and her way out to safety is blocked by mountains of burning stuff belching out poisonous smoke?




It's not about feelings or loss, it's about guaranteeing the continued safety of your daughter. She needs to be safe, she needs her mum to be safe to look after her.


Pick up a bin bag. Just one. And stand by the front door. What is nearest your feet? If that fire happened, would you be making your daughter stop and pick it up? If not, it can go in that black bag, as it would be something trapping her inside instead.

What's next? Is that absolutely vital? If not, it's a danger to your daughter. Put it in the bag.

Can you take another step forward yet? If not, keep going. You're making her escape route or the route someone would take to rescue her. As soon as that bag you are holding is more than half full, tie it up and put it outside in the front garden by the bin. You will not be returning to it. That bag is gone. It will not be able to hurt you or your daughter now it's awaiting the binmen.


Keep going. I'd suggest three foot is a fair target if you have things up to chest height.

Take a break. Step outside. That space you have made is enough for a fireman to stand in. If you have some wipes, do your face, neck and hands (they'll be black, so don't look at them ). Put them straight into the next binbag.

Walk up to the stuff, notice just how much further in you are, how much closer a fireman would be to your daughter. Shall we give this man a bit more help?


None of this stuff would be important in the event of a fire. But keeping it there makes a fire more likely. And if it's still there in a binbag, it's still there and in the way. So keep tying them up and taking them out as you go along.


******

Once you have reached the bottom of the stairs, it's time to start working up them. This could be the next day. Going by the places I have seen, it could be the day after or the day after that. Do a step at a time, they must be 100% clear, not one single tiny little thing on them.

Keep going each day until there is a 100% clear path from your daughter's bedroom door to the front door. Not by slinging things across into your room, the living room, the office or kitchen; by getting them out before they hurt your family.

Well done.

*****************

Now there is a safe escape, before you tackle the exit route out the back, get that mattress out. You will be shocked just how much room and light is taken up by a mattress.



If you like, you can post up photos so we can see the progress you make, or if you have difficulty identifying whether something is beneficial for you to keep. Or just mention things you are thinking about.



Again, if I upset you, I'm sorry. We're a pretty eclectic bunch here, some of us have probably seen quite a lot more than we would like. Please don't be offended - sometimes people find things difficult to deal with because they are ashamed of something. For example, not every bereavement is as 'socially acceptable' as others; people die as a result of cancer, cirrhosis, suicide, drug abuse, heart attack, stroke, anything, whether an 'acceptable' condition or one that the relatives find difficult to discuss. And some people aren't as pleasant as we would like to think they had been in life. It's OK.

During the threads, we've talked about abusive relationships, uncaring or unstable parents, violence, broken family connections, much loved pets, zombies and anything in between. Including the psychological benefits of burning papers rather than shredding them.

The locals are friendly, if sometimes a little strange in this corner of the woods





By the way, I was writing this before I refreshed the page and saw you mention the hallway. See, we know what we're talking about

blossomhill_2

Woodyrocks wrote: »

I have to say THANK YOU to you all. A little bit of kindness really goes a long way these days with me...

That's good, it's true of me too since a bereavement. Your neighbour was very kind to tidy up the front, even if he did it for his own interests too, so I hope you can see it that way instead of letting guilt that you didn't do it yourself cloud your view. It's just a case of "thank you so much, it was too much for me to cope with" or "things have been getting on top of me lately" and something to build on

Enlisting DD (12yrs) help would be good but I just don't want t put too much on her as she really does help out already. If it wasn't for her doing the dishes, I don't know what would become of the kitchen. I am not proud of stating this...I worry that she is living like this.

The biggest thing she is living with at the moment is the worry about how you are or aren't coping. You have probably talked about how the house is getting on top of you and it would be good for her to see you tackling practical steps and involving her too. She has her own memories of your OH so maybe you two could put aside some things that remind you most of him, into a box to be sorted out later, to alieviiate any fears she may have that he or his memory will be eradicated, before you start. There will be tears and you won't agree on everything, but that is natural; if you hit something that's too difficult put it into a later box and move on to something simpler, like foodstuffs or empty envelopes. I bet at 12 she could make good use of the office for doing homework ...if it was made welcoming for her

It is important to remember that the things you chose to keep about your OH should relate to good memories and things that sum him up, not things that represent the time of loss, his struggle or his passing. The flowers and matress are about the bereavement, not the man

I am usually motivated when I know someone will be coming round and the HA have sent a letter saying they want to come and do some appraisals (can't remember the exact wording of the letter) as the heating system needs updating.

That will be an improvement and something positive to work towards

And the flowers (all dried out) that were sent after he died can go now I think. I will deal with the flowers tomorrow and report back.

the flowers will also represent people who you think have deserted you - yes they can go if you are ready but also maybe remember how many people said "if there's anything I can do, please let me know" - well some of those people may just be waiting in the wings ready for you to ask - you won't have been up to a night out or a girls together coffee but maybe they don't want to intrude but would be willing to help you sort out a small area (say the kitchen) and actually glad that you ask

Good luck today everyone, every little victory you post helps those of us who are facing a difficult decision

blossomhill_2

sezzagirl & typicalblonde Hi and welcome along!
I love Mount Stuffmore and will call my piles that from now on ... ahem , not that I have piles of stuff in my house you understand ...

ww - can you identify what it is that prevents OH from coping with that particular admin task?

zzzLazyDaisy

I called by to report on my progress and saw Woody's messages and the responses. First, Woody I am so sorry for your loss, and I do empathise with how feelings of loss and abandonment can overwhelm and paralyse us and make us hang onto 'stuff'. I had an upstairs room filled floor to ceiling with boxes from my failed marriage. I couldn't bear to look in them, and they were there for four years, in the space directly above my bedroom... literally on top of me. I'm disabled and couldn't manage the physical shifting and emotionally couldn't face opening the boxes.

Anyway, my friend knew someone who has a cleaning business, and she agreed to help me with this stuff. So once a week she would come round, with bin bags (one for rubbish, one for charity shop, one for paper) and I would sit with her while she opened the boxes one by one, and went through the contents. The things I wanted to keep went into another box.... and then she'd go, taking the bin bags with her. It cost me £20 a week for two hours of her time, and in about 6 weeks the room was clear. Then I went back through the boxes of stuff I'd 'kept' and gave most of it away.

The upside was that we became firm friends and she still comes to me once a week and tidies round and helps me go through a drawer or cupboard. I am still a long way off having a perfect house, but I am getting there. The room that we cleared was painted with deep red walls and draped in voile, and I go there and listen to my music when I want to shut the world out for a bit (I reasoned that since it had been full of junk for years, I didn't 'need' the room so it was okay to indulge myself!). I can't tell you how wonderful it feels to have that one room which is free of clutter and junk.

I wish I could come round and do this for you, but perhaps there is someone out there, like my friend, who can help you?

Dx