Hoarding - A New Start

blossomhill_2

That is really great TY and such a good way to keep tabs on progress - I was very claustophobic for you when you first posted your situation, and worried about fire risks, so it's almost a relief for me too! Well done.

The guy in the CS sounds a bit keen, maybe just needs a bit of training - we have one shop where the guy is a complete pervert, my DD stopped going there because he kept crowding into her space, and I have walked in on a totally inappropriate conversation between him and another pervy guy - he switched on the charm when he saw me - I wonder if he is like that with the management and they don't realised he is putting shoppers off.

An elderly male helper in a CS called me Sir last week - I have shoulder length blonde hair and had full make up - well I suppose a "sir" could have too... but was in my usual fashion style of looking like I had been cleaning out horses

I discovered the joy yesterday of posting books into a street charity bin - open all hours, easy parking on a Sunday evening and it felt like I was feeding a monster and I am free of 2 boxes of books - oh joy! Will probably ditch more just for the experience, I am enjoying having far fewer books and looking things up on YouTube instead

Is Byatt around?

Woodyrocks

Just found this thread and wondering how have I managed to miss it with the issues I have going on. I think I prefer the term 'issues' to ho***ing. As I really don't think I am an hoarder and can get rid of things with a bit of help. See, right now, I am on a seriously low income but yet have a yellow storage room that is costing me over half my home rent per week. This is ridiculous I know but I just don't know what to do. The stuff in there is mine and hubby's and this is where the emotion head f**k comes in...I am now on my own. As in a widow. So I have a storage room full of stuff that I just have no idea what to do with. 2 years now we have had the yellow storage room...But that is not all. The house itself looks like a squat My DD could not have friends over even if she wanted as I would die of shame. In fact, my neighbour took it upon himself to sort out my front garden last week as it was getting so bad. No-one comes round so I don't have to worry about people dropping round (nothing like a death to make all your friends and family disappear...)

I just have no motivation to deal with any of it. There is just stuff everywhere in the house. Hubby's office is exactly the way it was when he last used it. If I got 'rid' the space would be a blessing as we have NO SPACE in this tiny house right now but the thought of it makes me feel unreal. There is so many things that are broken/ no longer used that are just sitting in the house. Like the mattress, our mattress, that he died on. This basically takes up half the space in my room as I cannot use it but cannot get rid of it either. How could I let anyone in to take it away with the state of the room (the bedroom is exactly the way it was when he died 20 months ago...seriously even his bedside table and my clothes on the floor - I live in the same things now and have forgotten half the things I own)

I have a ton of shoes that I will never wear again as I am no longer that person that dresses up and I really want to list them on ebay as I sooooooo need the money and space equally but can't deal with it. Can't deal with any of it

I work through agencies and this is the worst time of year for work so sometimes I am just sat in this hell wondering what am I to do about it all. I have never been the tidiest of persons but things have got really really bad. We had a broken toilet the other week and it was so stressful the thought of having to get workmen in and I think if I am honest the state of the house is one of the reason we went 3 days without a working loo!! There is just stuff everywhere.

Why so much stuff in such a little space? Well, before hubby died we moved from a 4 bedroom, three storey townhouse into this 2 bedroom tiny terrace. We had no choice but to get a room at the yellow storage but still brought quite a bit in here with us. It was only meant to be a temporary move before we moved into our new family home. That obviously has not happened and will not now be happening. The best that will happen is that DD and I when I find an affordable 3 bedroom in an area I can afford (been looking at houses since May 2012 with no luck).

Maybe you can all help me start to think about sorting out this mess I am in. I need to get rid of 75% of the things we owned collectively. I need to empty the yellow storage as I really cannot afford to keep it up much longer and can only afford to pay for it now due to the widow's pension I get from hubby's past employment.

I am signed up to so many agencies for casual work whilst desperately trying to retrain so I can bring more money into our lives in the future but if I could get rid of stuff and sell some of my shoes it could make the financial pinch less severe for a few months at least. And if I could just get myself a shredder, I could reclaim back my dining table and the sofa!

Funnily enough, I won't have any excuses from DD and make sure that she sees to it that her room is tidy, even though there is more stuff in there than necessary as well.

Sorry for dumping (!) in here but I really needed to get this off my chest. Hope someone can offer me some practical steps to take. I have even thought of hiring someone - yes, I know I have no money - to just deal with it all so that I can get a small measure of my personal space and head space back. I feel so stressed all the time and I hate my house/life

whitewing

Woodyrocks, it seems such a long time since we have had a heartwrenching post like that on this thread, which is really good because it shows you are in the right place.

Can you go to the GP and get referred for counselling? If you start the process now, you can be lurking/posting here while you wait for the appointment to come through. It sounds like you have had a lot of life changes lately and you need a little help to get your mojo back.

How old is your DD? Could you start by getting her to gather up 50 of your items that she thinks you may not need any more? Then you can look and make a decision on each. Maybe get her to pinpoint things that don't have so much value, things you can recycle or charity shop, rather than worrying about whether or not you want to sell them. If you get some stuff out of the way it will give you more space to lay stuff out to sort.

This_Year

Woodyrocks wrote: »

Just found this thread and wondering how have I managed to miss it with the issues I have going on.

I feel so stressed all the time and I hate my house/life

So sorry to hear that you're in such a difficult place. First you do sound like you ought to be seeking counselling, to get your head clear first before beginning the declutter.

How old is your daughter, is she able to help you in this?

Really feel for you! You will find this thread helps, don't be afraid to post anything that you feel.

Sezzagirl

Woody, I couldn't just read this and run, although I am a lurker here

You are definately in the right place. Let these kind and wise people help to guide you as you start to take control of your situation

Start small and aim for little steps at first and remember it has taken a long while to get into this situation, it won't change over night

Good luck and every best wish

whitewing

Woody,

Have you got a decent pair of scissors? For times when you feel depressingly stressed, you may find it therapeutic to shred the paperwork yourself. It will obviously take longer this way but if you;re not doing anything in that time anyway it won;t matter. It'll be a practical thing to do but won't be at such a great speed that you start worrying that you may have shredded something you need. Chip, chip, chip away....

Do you mind me asking what happened with your hubby?

blossomhill_2

(((hugs))) Woodyrocks, I'd be on my way round if I could

You are not alone in so many aspects
Yellow storage - I had a friend round last week who is so short of work but we worked out that they are paying £50 a month for storage for ordinary, replaceable household goods, and if she got rid of it she wouldn't need the extra hours

Broken WC - yes I have been there, where a certain part of my brain rationalises that there is nothing wrong with keeping broken things in preference to having someone in to fix them. You have to come to a realisation that your situation is not too unusual, and they may not like it, but the workmen see similar and much worse, and they are nothing to you, but your DD IS and deserves a working loo, so you need to put DD and you first, before any random workman's feelings

Are you over 50 I wonder - Age UK have wonderful volunteers - in this area at least we have a scheme where you tell AC what task needs doing and pay them for it (about £20) and their volunteers do the work - the mattress would probably not phase them at all

My first advice to anyone who is new to the idea that they have a problem is always "start random" - just aim for a random no of things to dispose - say 3 shirts from floor, or 15 carrier bags and get them out somehow - don't aim to recycle yet or to go for the optimum way of disposing, just get them out and pat yourself on the back. And start with things that you are not emotionally invested in, so perhaps not your late OH's things

I am sorry for your loss, and for DD's loss too. I agree that counselling might be a good place to start as you have had a lot to cope with, but by being on this thread I hope you will find the strength to stop the downward spiral - many of us have, some of us are still trying but I firmly believe that the snippets of insight on here have been more use to me than any professional help could ever have been

It might help you to look up the "stages of grief" LINK- there is a natural progression and if one stage is interupted or not allowed to happen, it can affect the recovery process, and we have identifed on here that hoarding is very often triggered by loss

(((hugs)))

minimoneyme

Hi Woody,
You've already taken the first step - posting on this great thread.
There is always advice, support, hugs and sometimes a kick up the bum if needed on here.
Everyone has a different decluttering style. I'm a "think about it for ages then have a tantrum and chuck it all out in one big swoop" type. Perhaps not the healthiest way to do it.
Do you feel able to choose one corner/cupboard/shelf to look at? Choose an easy one, one that doesn't have anything too emotionally stressful on/in. Maybe just sort like into like first. I'm not even suggesting throwing anything out yet. Just the positive act of doing something, even something seemingly small is really affirming.
It's just a case of chipping away a little bit at a time and being kind to yourself. There will be days when not much seems to happen and then days when you look back and are really pleased with what you have achieved. It's really important to celebrate the gains, however small.

So on that note the curtains that I took down from daughters' room are now outside the front door. I cant quite put them in the bin yet, but they are on their way. :j

Btw, anyone's cars a problem area? Mine is shocking, the boot is full of work equipment that I haven't taken back (2 fights of stairs and heavy boxes do not mix) and so much junk it's unbelievable. Had to give a colleague a lift today and it was a bit embarrassing.

Goldiegirl

Hi Woody, I'm really sorry to hear about your situation. You must miss your husband terribly.

I'm by no means an expert, but I have read that one of the reasons for hoarding can be a desire to hold on to the past.

My situation was very different, but I lost my parents in a short space of time, so I ended up taking a large portion of the contents of their house and putting it in my loft.

My house looked quite clear, but my loft was a nightmare.

But I felt that I couldn't let go.

Time passed, and after four years I began to feel that I needed and wanted to sort everything out.

So for the last 3-4 years I've been gradually going through the contents of my loft, giving things to charity and eBaying, not only my parents things, but stuff of mine and my husband's that are no longer needed

I think you are in very early days yet, but that fact that you've posted about your situation is a great place to start.

When you consider how long it took for everything to build up, it will be a long haul to clear everything, and it can seem overwhelming just to make a start.

The thing I would suggest is to make a small target to start with. Maybe to clear five things a day for a week, or to spend an hour a day, or half a day each week working on your belongings. Whatever works best for you. It's making that start that is the thing.

People on this thread are so helpful, and you'll always have support.

Good luck to you.

Goldiegirl

minimoneyme My car isn't a problem..... But the garage is!

There's all sorts of !!!! in there. I've never really done much about decluttering in the garage, mainly because my husband reckons he knows exactly what's in there and everything has a use!

However, when I eventually finish the loft (not sure exactly when that'll be!) I'm going to get to grips with the garage. I'll do it with my husband's help, but it needs to be done.